A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of 6 years has just given me an ultimatum. He wants to settle down, get married, buy a house together and have kids in the next few years. For the past year or so, I've been indecisive- I love him with all my heart, he is a wonderful person and I want to be with him, but I am not sure if I want kids. He definitely wants kids, and he's clearly stated that he loves me and wants to have kids with me, but it's been starting to get to him that I can't seem to make up my mind- I've always shrugged off the issue.He's starting to get frustrated and honestly I can understand. We've been together for 6 years, and he needs to know if it's time to either move on and get married or cut our loses. He doesn't want to propose until he knows for sure marriage and kids are what I want. I feel like a jerk. I have this wonderful man that cares for me. I feel like any other girl would feel so lucky to have a guy that wants those things. I'm stuck at a crossroad- I want to be with him and I am so happy with him, but I just am not sure if I want kids. I'm 24 (he's 25), I feel as though I shouldn't even have to know if I want kids or not at this point in my life!Has anyone been in this situation? What does it look like? I can "see" having kids with him, but will I be happy? Do we just cut our losses? For anyone whose been in this situation, did you eventually decide you wanted kids? Does a maternal instinct all of a sudden kick in? Advice would be greatly appreciated.
View related questions:
move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (12 June 2012):
 If you're not ready, and you don't sound ready, and he can't wait... Well, you should let him go then. You could always make a secret pact, say if he doesn't meet someone else and gets married within the next two years, and if you find yourself wanting children at that point, the two of you will get back together, marry and have kids.
But you're not ready, and you can't exactly have kids just to keep your relationship, if that's not what you want for yourself. I mean, you live your life for YOU, not for HIM. So, he's great and all.. that's good, sure, but no man, no matter how great and amazing he is, is worth you changing your life path for. If this isn't something you want to do, or are ready for.. then you know your answer.
Tell him the truth, although it is difficult: I am not ready for marriage and children. I might be in the future, but right here and now I am not sure. I can't just decide on it either, just because you want an answer. There is no yes or no answer. For the moment I am uncertain, and I might stay uncertain for the rest of my life, or I might be ready next year. If that is not something you can live with then you should leave me to find a woman who can give you what you want. I thank you for the times we had together, you are a wonderful man, and I wish you all the best. I love you, and I hope you can have everything you dream of.
Let him go. You're not prepared, or ready, to give him what he wants. Keeping him without giving him what he wants and needs would be selfish. You can't leave him hanging when he's done waiting, nor can you force yourself to be ready when you aren't.
As for maternal instincts though.. I think that once you become a parent they do kick in, as it is instincts. But that's not any guarantee whatsoever that you'll be happy. Being a parent is HARD WORK. It takes you being dedicated. You can't just leave when it becomes too much. And you'll be "stuck" with your boyfriend and kids for many many years to come. If you're not sure if you can do that then.. don't say you can. When in doubt, don't do it.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 June 2012):
 I always knew I wanted kids. Never doubted I wanted them... till long after they were adults and I realized I would have been better off NOT being a mom... thankfully I had great help with parents, their dad and their stepmom to raise them...
My son at 20 told me he didn't want kids and I was sad...
now at 26 (next month) he says he thinks about it now and then... but he's not ready yet either.
I have many friends (including my current partner) who never wanted and never had kids.
not wanting them is fine
not having them is fine
do not have kids to please a partner.
if he's pushing for this now and your not ready then he's giving you a deal breaker... and he has to accept your answer as well.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2012): You don't ever HAVE to have kids. It is a choice. But if you make that choice, you MUST want them wholeheartedly, not to please a partner. There's no going back.All you can do is be totally, utterly honest with this guy and say that you love him but at the moment, you can't see yourself wanting kids. That DOESN'T mean you may not feel differently in 5 years time. But he has to respect your choice. At your age, you still have plenty of time to enjoy life without 'rushing in' to having kids. The two of you could have another 5, 6, 7 years easily before trying for kids assuming by then you have decided you want them.Basically, it's actually you who have to give him an ultimatum. You love him and want to be with him. You MAY not want children. It is up to him to see whether his desire for kids is more important than being with you. If he absolutely MUST have kids in the next 5 years, then you should split up now. If he is prepared to wait with no guarantees but it is accepted that a split may happen later down the road, then if you're happy with that, then that's a goer too. He can still be having kids when he is 50 - you can't, so him hanging around for another few years to see if you may reconsider when you are older makes no odds to him. Different if shoe was on the other foot.Good luck. But this is what is known as a dealbreaker.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2012): I'm 15. I already know i want kids. In fact, i plan on adopting two after having two biologically. I love children. I'm really good with them too! I babysit my little cousins (ages 4, 6, and 6 months) all the time. When i first held my youngest cousin, he was all snuggled up next to me on the little space between your shoulder and neck. He was so warm and smelled so sweet. I got this feeling..not sure how to describe it. Maternal instinct? I felt all warm and I never wanted to let the little guy go. Little times like those, (which i had with all my little cousins) made me positive i wanted children. Have you ever held or watched a baby? Maybe that could help you decide.
...............................
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (12 June 2012):
First, I applaud you going through such a logical thought process. I have grown tired of reading here - "Me and my bf/gf have three children together, but Im just not sure they're the one for me....."
To your point in particular - children are a huge part of a marriage, perhaps the biggest part. You both need to be on the same page on this, preferrably BEFORE the wedding. If you dont want children, you shouldnt be pressured into it by anyone, its way to big of a decision.
In short, you both need to reach a common ground on this before the relationship moves forward.
Best of luck to you.
...............................
|
