A
female
age
41-50,
*ardenLover
writes:For the last month and a half I've spent almost every night with my new boyfriend. He seemed to like this level of closeness and it's easy for us to kick it. We both have terribly difficult pasts, but are successful people and have a lot of fun together. However, we went dancing last week and he bumped into his ex who didn't say hi. This really bugged him, "It's like seeing an old friend and they won't even look at you." She did start e-mailing him and he has been quiet and distant ever since. He mentions them, but I think he lying about not saying much back. He says he is thinking about not talking to her at all anymore, that it just triggers the grief to hear from her, that he would not get back with her as the relationship was difficult... Now he wants "space". Gone is the fun. He just sits and says he is thinking about a lot, not just her. He says he wants us to keep going with our relationship and that he's not trying to waste my time, that he really does like me. I just learned that they were only really apart like a week before I came along from online dating. It sounds like the last year was rough, but "she was my best friend and I don't like letting go of anyone in my life." I told him I feel like I'm dating someone else's boyfriend and that I will back off or be a support, whatever he needs right now as there really is more stress for him than just her. He says he deals with things by being alone. I'm sad, because it was going so well, until he saw her. Tonight I sleep alone and tomorrow is our official 1 month anniversary, which I bought expensive concert tickets for us to kick it. No big, just seems like we should hang out or eat dinner or something. I don't need to see him every day, but we have... Gone now are the developing pet name, cuddly nights, and funny texts. What do you make of this? Is there any hope when your new bf loves his ex and is still "grieving" her and says he wishes they could be friends "but I know it just wouldn't work?" (I didn't say anything to that one. Female friends are fine, but the love of his life, NO.) I was starting to fall for him too. Should I be letting go or patiently stepping aside? What a drag.
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female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (22 January 2012):
 Its a pretty crappy thing that he was on internet dating just a week after splitting with his ex. Makes you wonder what he was really looking for?...a serious relationship? or just someone to fill the lonely gap whilst he figures out what he wants...pretty rough for you.
You have been tight for the last few weeks and its given you the impression that he cares, but the ex shows up and he has changed overnight.
Leave him be, don't do him any favours, or give support. He has withdrawn, still wishes to keep you in the background, for now, but seriously his actions indicate that he isn't ready to be serious about a new relationship.
Get on with your life...if he comes back in a year or so and proves he is completely over his ex then maybe that will be the right time to be involved with him...Now just isn't the time!!
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (22 January 2012):
You overdid it with the expensive tickets. Such things are for more important occasions. I know you are in love and want to celebrate every day you have been with him, but has he/the relationship deserved to be celebrated? Think about it. You don't know this guy. At the one month where you should be head over heels for each other he's sitting alone thinking about his ex and shutting you out. Yay. Not fun.
Going in over the top with concert tickets becomes wrong in this context. You need to not give him any more than he gives you. Maybe he'll get over her, but obviously he still isn't over her, far from it. I think you'll hear a lot more about her in the time to come, and by the time he IS over her you'll be so hurt, and have so little trust in his care for you, that the relationship will fall apart anyway.
So back down. Take a friend with you to the concert. Give him his space and "alone time". Tell him that you wont be waiting around for him, if he wants you he needs to come get you. Unfortunately I think he seems more focused on getting along with his ex and keeping her in his life, than he is about keeping YOU in his life.
Don't give more of yourself than he gives of himself. Go out, date other guys. Tell him that he can contact you when he's done dealing with his ex.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2012): Personally I would leave him totally alone and give him as much space as he needs. I would stop organising things for the two of you to do and concentrate on other areas of your life that don't include him. He is obviously thinking a lot about his ex and mulling things over and it would be better for you if you were not in the background having to watch all of this. I know you want to be supportive to him but it might make you look a little desperate. At this moment in time I don't think he is as in to you as you are to him and I would back off. If he wants you he will come and find you. A week is such a short time that he probably doesn't really know at all what he wants. Keep to your house for a while and don't contact him until you hear from him first. Things will settle down but try not to force him in to doing anything with you that he doesn't suggest.
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A
male
reader, Kyle007 +, writes (22 January 2012):
His biggest mistake was reading the emails at all.
And if he were brave enough, he would show you what was written on both sides.
Ask him if he loves his misery more or loves you more.
He absolutely has to end all forms of communication with her, immediately and uncompromisingly. He should email her so and then put her on his block list.
One week to be over really is not very long. And one month being with each other is not long either.
It may help him get over all this if he tells you completely what happened between them, if he has not already done so.
Then once he has 100% told you everything, let him know that she is now a closed subject.
Whether its over a woman or something else, you can't be involved with someone who is like this. You are still in the honeymoon stage of your relationship. It should not be going this way this early.
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