A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 15 years. We have 4 children (youngest is 5). We have a 'solid' relationship and my husband is a generally decent man. He has a stressful, high-responsibility job and is very well-respected in his field. In my opinion he is a workaholic. I appreciate the qualities which make him very effective in the work setting but sometimes they also make him very difficult to live with (and to love). He is driven, focused, efficient and reliable. He is also tempermental, arrogant, critical and aggressive. When he is at home there is an air of tension which often escalates into shouting, anger, and hurtful words being said. I feel his expectations for me and the children are too high and certainly I can see the impact this has had on the kids. I find I have closed down from him emotionally and physically. He shows no vulnerability himself I have therfore become reluctant to show him mine. I have tried, many many times over the years to talk to him but does not want to engage and he will criticise and belittle me whenever I show any emotion or weakness. I feel bullied and trapped. I find the idea of ending our marriage extremely difficult because of the effect on the children. I cannot get him to accept the idea of counselling or even talking. He feels it is 'my problem' and I need to sort it out. I do love him, but I do not feel the kind of closeness and companionship I wanted and expected from a marriage. His perspective is that I am cold and unaffectionate towards him (the latter is true). I cannot feel warm and cuddly without the shared intimacy that is lacking in our partnership. He is verbally abusive and threatens to divorce me whenever I reject his sexual advances (we have sex approx once a month). Is there any hope for us to grow closer emotionally?
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male
reader, Odds +, writes (11 November 2010):
 @ Cerberus_Raphael:
I apologize if I touched a nerve there. My intent was not to insult you, and I had no idea about your past.
@ OP:
Sex is like oxygen, it only overpowers all your other desires when you're not getting any. For the same reason, a lot of guys have the energy for sex when they don't have the energy for conversation because sex actually revitalizes them. Think of it this way - can you remember times when you did not have the energy to deal with bills or work, but had the energy to hike up a mountain on a nice day?
The only solution to that I can think of would be for him to find a less stressful, less time-consuming career. Your standard of living may drop, and he may be against that for any number of good reasons, but it's something to consider.
Regaining sexual attraction to your husband is a bit more complicated than just sexing him up until he's in a good mood all the time. This is where you're going to have to get his active involvement, rather than just acting and waiting for the natural reaction.
Remind him of the times when you were first dating together, tell him you want to be seduced, to do something fun. Foreplay starts when you wake up. Have him go through all the old motions of seducing you, like when yuo were in your 20's. Try to stretch it out - tell him it's a game, like being teenagers again. Have one night where you only go to first base, then second another night. Build up the anticipation for both of you. Eventually, the spark should come back.
The danger here is that you may go through all that effort and not feel anything - if that's the case, he's going to (rightly) be angry about it. I couldn't say what to do if that happens.
As for counseling, I'm strongly against it for reasons stated below - but, I'm also a stranger on the internet. If you believe Tisha's advice to go to a counselor is better, by all means, best of luck to you.
A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (11 November 2010):
 Odds I grew up in a family just like this and my father ended up leaving without a word, pretending is was just another one of his business related trips. My mother, myself, my sisters were all left stranded in the end all because my mother was only trying to be a good wife and rekindle things between them. She trusted him and gave him all her money when he needed it but he never returned it. So do not EVER dare tell me that I am not thinking of the children's lives. Now I am stronger than that and with the way this young woman's life is turning out, I suggested divorce because it is bound to happen one way or another with or without counseling. People emotionally locked will not change so easily and he has already threatened her with divorce already, something like that should not be taken to lightly.
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (10 November 2010):
 Oh, and at this point in the marriage, what do you have to lose by trying Odds' prescription for creating intimacy with him? I think he actually has a pretty good approach to trying to reconnect with your husband.
The problem remains though, that you are actually repulsed sexually by your husband, and you feel bullied and trapped. You'd have to be one hell of an actress to convince him you find him desirable. I think this is when women are told to "close your eyes and think of England." Not such a great place to be. I'm sorry, I have no real way to guide you in this, save to advise that you get real, honest to goodness practical help from someone whose job is reconnecting and healing marriages.
But first. Do you want to save this marriage?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (10 November 2010):
To clarify, I meant don't worry about the effect of going to a marriage counselor would have on the kids. Don't worry that the children will be traumatized in some way by attempts to deal with the marital unhappiness that is so clearly at issue here. The kids are no doubt aware that all is not well with this marriage. The kids are traumatized already, in deep and subtle ways, so don't worry about making the effort to try to fix it.
The point is that the OP has to get that oxygen mask on herself (and the marriage) in order to be able to support her children.
I understand Odds' points here. It seems that men do struggle from feeling unloved if they are not demonstrably desired by their wives. Read this thread, which came in today on this topic: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-feel-more-like-roommates-with-my-wife.html
I am not trying to minimize that need at all. And perhaps I chose overly dramatic language, "captor", but our OP herself used the words "I feel bullied and trapped".
OP, I have never been in your situation, but I think as Odds points out, you are the one here, questioning how to make it work.
Do you want it to work?
If yes, then what are your options to make it work?
Are you just looking to come to some way of muddling through the next 20 years of your life?
If yes, what is the bare minimum you will tolerate?
You want intimacy which presumably will make you feel sexually attracted to him. He presumably wants sex which will lead to intimacy (one hopes). A very sad stalemate, at the moment.
Let me ask this question of you. Would going to couples/sex therapy do any HARM to the marriage? More harm than is already present? If no, then why wouldn't you try it?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear All, thanks so much for your replies...all good advice. I must admit I have been surprised how much emphasis has been on the sex, rather than other aspects of our relationship. Are men really so driven by sexual urges that they take precedence over the other parts of a relationship?
Relaxing and cuddling together (as suggested by Odds)to help him unwind after work, sounds a great idea, but I don't believe that sex is the only way to unwind... If pressured into sex becuase of his 'manly needs', I end up feeling 'used' and it pushes me further away from the emotional intimacy I crave. (Btw - we both work but I am only in part-time paid work plus unpaid sole charge of the 4 kids + the house) So, we are both busy!
I would love a cuddle and a great conversation with him. With or without a glass of wine, a good film on TV... I would love to hear what he thinks and have him listen to what I think. Is this what you mean by 'seduction' and 'romance'? I just call it being interested in eachother as people. Then sex would come naturally from that shared bond.
But with my husband, it seems he is always too tired/busy/stressed to hold a conversation with me, but never too tired/busy/stressed to have sex with me!! (also never to tired/busy/stessed to do his emails/paperwork at home). A viscious cycle, I know, and as you rightly point out Odds, someone has to break the stalemate. If I truly believed that giving him sex would result in deeper intimacy and connect us as a couple, I would do it in an instant!! But I guess that I have become doubtful about that after 15 years of it not happening.
And, if truth be told, I am not so attracted to him sexually any more. There, I've said it! (I haven't said it to him though). I feel really sad about this and I wish it weren't the case. Does this mean I don't truly love him? I do feel sexually attracted to, and fantasise about, other men (but have never acted on it). So I know I am not 'frigid' as he calls me. But it's my belief that I could regain the spark if he were to see me, and relate to me, as a 'woman' rather than a body to have sex with!!
Would couple therapy/sex therapy be of any use? If I could persuade him to go....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear All, thanks so much for your replies...all good advice. I must admit I have been surprised how much emphasis has been on the sex, rather than other aspects of our relationship. Are men really so driven by sexual urges that they take precedence over the other parts of a relationship?
Relaxing and cuddling together (as suggested by Odds)to help him unwind after work, sounds a great idea, but I don't believe that sex is the only way to unwind... If pressured into sex becuase of his 'manly needs', I end up feeling 'used' and it pushes me further away from the emotional intimacy I crave. (Btw - we both work but I am only in part-time paid work plus unpaid sole charge of the 4 kids + the house) So, we are both busy!
I would love a cuddle and a great conversation with him. With or without a glass of wine, a good film on TV... I would love to hear what he thinks and have him listen to what I think. Is this what you mean by 'seduction' and 'romance'? I just call it being interested in eachother as people. Then sex would come naturally from that shared bond.
But with my husband, it seems he is always too tired/busy/stressed to hold a conversation with me, but never too tired/busy/stressed to have sex with me!! (also never to tired/busy/stessed to do his emails/paperwork at home). A viscious cycle, I know, and as you rightly point out Odds, someone has to break the stalemate. If I truly believed that giving him sex would result in deeper intimacy and connect us as a couple, I would do it in an instant!! But I guess that I have become doubtful about that after 15 years of it not happening.
And, if truth be told, I am not so attracted to him sexually any more. There, I've said it! (I haven't said it to him though). I feel really sad about this and I wish it weren't the case. Does this mean I don't truly love him? I do feel sexually attracted to, and fantasise about, other men (but have never acted on it). So I know I am not 'frigid' as he calls me. But it's my belief that I could regain the spark if he were to see me, and relate to me, as a 'woman' rather than a body to have sex with!!
Would couple therapy/sex therapy be of any use? If I could persuade him to go....
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (9 November 2010):
Tisha, her husband is hardly her "captor." What captive can leave anytime she likes with half his stuff? I'm also a little shocked at the advice not to worry aobut the kids - or Cerberus' advice to just divorce him without trying to fix things first. Four kids' futures are important, and at least the OP sees that.
Some people come online to seek validation for the choices they've already made, but it sounds like the OP is a decent woman who genuinely wants to fix the relationship. If I'm wrong, she can disregard my advice.
What I'm seeing here is that the husband is the primary (perhaps only? OP didn't mention her own job status) income provider for four kids and a wife, working long hours at a stressful job to do it... and is not getting laid. I've seen this too many times in my own life, a guy who has no way to wind down from work and a wife who responds very naturally to the withdrawal of affection.I'd hate to see another decent woman left alone as she gets older, another hardworking guy robbed of all his life's work, and another four kids torn from a broken home.
The reason he's avoiding counseling is because, like most people, marriage counselors automatically blame the husband when something is wrong. Even if they're correct, as may be the case here, that bias makes it nearly impossible to accept their analysis. So I'd save the counselling option for much later, after trying to fix thigns personally.
Simply put, it's not going to get any better unless someone does something for nothing - and the wife is the one on the advice site. There's thing he should be doing to turn her on, but he's not here.
So, OP, you need to be the first one to try and fix things. That's means having a relationship, not talking about it. Sex is just the beginning - kiss him the minute he gets home from work, leave the kids with their grandparents for a night and just cuddle, ask if there's anyting you can do to help him relax after work.
If this is a fixable problem, you'll get what you give, after an adjustment period on his part. If it never gets better, you're back where you started, and yes, divorce may be the only option. But try to *have* a better relationship before you talk about ending it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2010): Tisha, excellent advice.
To the OP: there are just so many issues u are facing with your hb, highly stressed out job or not, your hb has some major issues he needs to work through, so a good marriage counsellor needs to be found.
So he says u are cold and unaffectionate: did u tell him why u are this way. Once a month? Is he happy with this arrangement? Are you? Love/sex/physical intimacy (call it what u will) is a necessity to bond with a partner. But usually with the intimacy comes respect and I do not think your hb respects you.
Its time to make some hard decisions and you need to follow through.
LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael +, writes (9 November 2010):
Using sex to supposedly strengthen a marriage is preposterous and I think you will find that in the end it is completely useless. Sex should be the last factor on anyone's mind here.
From what you have read I suggest you divorce him. He seems more in love with his work than with you or perhaps even his own children and neither of you need that sort a man in your lives. There is no emotion here, nor shall there ever be judging by the way he talks to you. He sees no flaws within himself and that, that sort of vanity is the death of any relationship.
You are no longer his wife. You are his sexual release and you do not need to be. Will he feel anything if you divorce him? He might and that may cause him to look at what he has done. Still, I think it best to leave him and find you own sense of peace. Whether it is from the affectionate passion of another man or just your own sense of self-love, you will find it when you leave the emotional corpse of your husband.
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 November 2010):
I'm sorry, Odds, but telling a woman who feels bullied and trapped that she has to give her captor a handjob once a week in the hopes that he will soften towards her is just a non-starter. Marriage is a joint effort toward a common goal. If he's not working toward saving the marriage then he isn't paying attention.
OP, you are in a very difficult spot and I think this is beyond our amateur analysis. I would find a very high quality marriage counselor (ask around a bit, it is often surprising how many of your friends may have needed one) and then go to him or her, whether or not your husband goes.
He sounds very tightly wound and if he's been cold and callous for years this is not going to be easy. Get yourself to a professional marriage counselor tomorrow. And don't worry about the effect on the kids. They are no doubt extremely aware of how tense and unhappy you and your husband are in this marriage.
Good luck to you.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (9 November 2010):
"His perspective is that I am cold and unaffectionate towards him (the latter is true)."
Look, men need sex to feel love. The truism that women need love to want sex is an oversimplification, but we can ignore that for the next couple of paragraphs.
So start having sex more often. Fake it 'til you make it. If you simply cannot get in the mood, just give him a no-strings-attached handjob twice a week. Twenty minutes a week to improve your marriage seems like a fair bargain.
Simply put, you can only change your own actions, and hope they provoke a good reaction in him. I could tell you what *he* should do, which is to act more seductively and loving, but he's not the one on the advice site. You have to find it in yourself to be more sexual, to be the initiator, to accept a quickie when you're not in the mood once in a while. These changes in your behavior will vastly improve both his attitude and his behavior toward you, given some time.
There is absolutely no substitute for regular sexual release by one's significan tother to a man. If the marriage is going to work, you have to put in that effort. Once you've been at it for a while, you can start (nicely) asking for more intimacy and romance, in the off chance he doesn't start doing it more on his own.
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A
female
reader, mizz.butterflies +, writes (8 November 2010):
 how about u take a vacation,just u and him? another setting could be what u needed.
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