A
male
age
51-59,
*uman_male
writes:Despite being a decent and honest man I've been single for my entire life. I've really struggled in life with depression and a lack of confidence and direction and knowing what I want out of life. I've only ever had menial jobs, or have been out of work. Currently I have a part time cleaning job, which I work hard at but due to it being low paid I'm still living at home (I'm 42 by the way). That doesn't bother me really. I get on with my parents and being so close I can help them in their old age, and it's good for me financially.But I would like a relationship. I'm not socially awkward. I can talk to women and have no problem asking them out. I'm good company. I've had a few dates but they never went anywhere. Recently I met someone very special and we went out as friends a couple of times. She's been through some stuff and I've been through some stuff and we got really close really quickly with long talks on the phone. Then she asked me to spend the day with her and we had a great Sunday going for a long drive and dinner. I don't drive or have a car, due to some severe anxiety about it, so she drove. She said she didn't mind. When she dropped me off that night I asked her if she'd like to try a kiss and see what happened, so we did and it was amazing. It was perfect. I spoke to her the next day and she said she was surprised how much she enjoyed it, and she asked me to spend the weekend with her. So then followed a couple of weeks of amazing, marathon talks on the phone and intimate texts. Until a couple of days before we were supposed to go she did a complete U turn, called the whole thing off and said she needed space. That was the last I heard from her (but it's only been a bit over a week).I'd been completely honest with her about everything, and I realise she didn't see a future with me. She said she doesn't like that I'm a gamer and that I live at home. She probably doesn't like my job, given that she's very career minded and a workaholic. I didn't think it mattered because we were mostly just friends. But I guess she had a change of heart.So I've tried to put all the hurt and confusion behind me and I've done a lot of soul searching. I need to make some changes in my life but it seems like a monumental task and I don't think I can do it. For one thing I've tried for years to find any other job and have had no luck. I realise I should up-skill and get some qualifications but I just don't know what to do, or have any interest in studying, plus it would mean going into debt. And I just can't see ever being financially able to move out on my own.So my question is this; does a guy who's forty two and lives at home, doesn't drive or have a car, plays video games and has a menial go nowhere job have any hope at all of finding a relationship no matter how decent, honest, reliable and otherwise great he is? Or should I just get used to the fact that I'm going to be alone forever?Thank you for reading.
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female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (9 September 2012):
 Thankyou for the comment :-)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2012): "She said she doesn't like that I'm a gamer and that I live at home. She probably doesn't like my job, given that she's very career minded and a workaholic. I didn't think it mattered because we were mostly just friends. But I guess she had a change of heart."Well if you were only friends then none of this would matter but if considering a committed serious relationship than it matters big time. You see, you can be friends with lots of different people and it doesn't impact your daily life. But a relationship partner has a huge impact on your life because you're more 'tied together' so the standard is much higher. I have lots of friends (guys) whom I would never consider dating. but we're fine as friends and I'm grateful to have them in my life as friends as they broaden my horizons. That still doesn't mean I would ever want to date any of them much less consider myself tied down to one of them exclusively. And I'm 100% sure they feel the same about me. so maybe she didn't have a change of heart she just realized that she only wants to stay friends because you don't meet her standard for a relationship partner." does a guy who's forty two and lives at home, doesn't drive or have a car, plays video games and has a menial go nowhere job have any hope at all of finding a relationship no matter how decent, honest, reliable and otherwise great he is?"Ah, but this is the thing. You are not "reliable" if you're 42, never lived on your own, doesn't drive (in a country where driving is the norm), having dead-end jobs, having no interests besides video games. These attributes are befitting a teenager or adolescent or a very young adult. A 42 year old adult should have progressed beyond this given that you've had an additional 20 years compared to a teenager to become more independent, self-sufficient, and self-directed. It sounds like you simply have a case of "stunted growth" and you never progressed beyond your adolescence. If you continue like this you will not attract women because you do not appear to be an equal peer or someone who is life-partner-material, instead you look more like a child. There are women who also have a case of 'stunted growth' but our society allows women to get away with it by attracting a man based on looks or whatever, and then having the man become the new parent - providing the money, food, shelter over her head, driving her around etc. A man who likes to be a knight in shining armor will only be too happy to come to the rescue and derive an ego boost from having a helpless mate. I've seen this happen. so you are not alone in your 'stunted growth' situation, just that society makes it possible for women to get away with not growing up and not taking personal responsibility because of "knight in shining armor" type men, but the reverse case is much less common. but it is time for you to finally grow up and take on more attributes of an independent adult. You will not attract a sane healthy woman otherwise.
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A
male
reader, human_male +, writes (9 September 2012):
human_male is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks very much for all the comments and advice. It's given me a lot to think about. I have been on a journey of self help and improvement over the last couple of years, with therepy, getting out more and facing my social anxiety as well (I'm doing a lot better on that front). The driving is still a hurdle. I can drive fine but a close shave years ago has left me with a lot of anxiety over it. I've also joined a church and have tried to reconnect with God and that is helping. So thanks again everyone.
I just have to say a couple of you have perhaps jumped to some conclusions about me which is understandable but not really fair. Especially AuntyEm. You have clearly have some preconceptions, and I think a bit of an axe to grind as well given your tone and the assumptions you've made about me. That's not really appropriate is it. You might want to look at that if you take this advice giving stuff seriously. Just saying.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2012): It's tough because a lot of modern women don't really play fair with income expectations. They expect equal pay with men, AND they expect to only date men who make as much or more than they do. That math does not add up.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (8 September 2012):
 I gave your situation a little more thought. It wasn't my intent to make things seem dire. It's far from hopeless and you have plenty of options.What I said earlier applies to many women, but not all. While few sane women will want to carry a huge workload solo, some do prefer to be in charge as long as they have sufficient help. And many will prefer a quieter, more simple life too.You're obviously a very intelligent, articulate and insightful man who undoubtedly has other gifts. You must showcase them. One idea is volunteer work. Because it's voluntary, it won't carry the same burden of expectations a paying job would. You could choose your own hours and it would help you gain new perspective, new skills, more confidence, and meet new people. Just don't go into it specifically looking for friends or a wife. People will pick up on that agenda quickly and keep you at a distance.You could help in your local community or arts centre, humane society, library, Salvation Army or Goodwill, or a retirement home. The possibilities are endless.Perhaps even enroll in a class. Maybe art, creative writing, woodworking. You don't have to ace the course or make a career out of it. Just something to pass the time that will teach you something new or make you even better at something you already know. Does any of that appeal to you?
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A
female
reader, sarcy24 +, writes (8 September 2012):
 Ciar has nailed the answer 100%. Women want someone that they can turn to in times of stress or trouble and they do not want to have to shoulder the burden alone. Even being able to offer support and reliability is a benefit as is just having someone to turn to.
Women do not want to have to do everything themselves and the man has to be able to bring something to the party. I myself can do most everything but I don't want to have to. i am an anxious person myself and suffer dreadfully from social anxiety but I have been forced to overcome this for my job. I feel you may need to force yourself out of your comfort zone for matters to improve on the realtionship front. I would go to the doctors and ask for some help or councelling and see if it can make you feel less anxious and more confident as woman are attracted to confident men. If you can force yourself to learn to drive this would be a good move and a confident boost as most women would prefer a man who can drive. You are clearly very articulate so visit the quack and get help with the self confidence issues.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (8 September 2012):
PS: it made me laugh when you assumed this girl you dated was a workaholic!!! REALITY CHECK!!! it's called surviving in a crappy economy, almost all working folk ARE having to work much harder JUST to keep the bills paid and food on the table!!! You would not understand how hard that is because you don't have those responsibilities...If this girl DID decide to have a relationship with you, she'd probably have to work even harder than she is now, just to take on your share of the load!!!...
Nobody should have to carry you and nobody will.
Time to change.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (8 September 2012):
I agree 100% with Ciar and I thought it was an excellent answer!!!
Women will avoid you because you are not offering what most women essentially need...a supportive partner who will share the load and responsibilities. You do not have any real life skills and seem to be waiting for someone to come and rescue you.
I have met several men who are like this (some older than you) they just never got their life together and as soon as they meet a nice hard working, together girl, they cling on and hope she will do all the providing (there are also a lot of women like this too)
You are feeling sorry for yourself and you might think that is enough to get a woman to feel sorry for you, but as time moves on they will get fed up of carrying the load and having to support someone who is to all intent and purpose, just like a big child.
This has nothing to do with your job...at least you have one. I know guys who hold down several menial jobs to help support their wife and kids.
Im sorry to say it but sitting all day playing computer games is a shameful waste of a life and will allow you to sink further and further from changing your life because it's an easy life escaping addiction.
If you only make one change, get rid of your games console, do some voluntary work or get a second job, book some driving lessons or learn to ride a motorcycle. These are not huge tasks, people do them everyday and a small payoff is better than doing nothing and thinking the whole world is against you.
Nobody is coming to the rescue...you have to save yourself...that's just how life is.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (8 September 2012):
There are many men out there who are decent, honest, reliable, and otherwise great AND they have confidence, mental/emotional/financial stability, direction, ambition, AND their own homes AND they drive and own a car. You may be an honest, warm, fun guy to be with but there is a lot more to being a wife than being a friend. What you've described here; depression, lack of confidence and direction, a history of menial jobs, no drivers licence, no car, never lived on your own, video games as a primary hobby, tells a woman that she will bear most of the responsbility alone if she becomes seriously involved with you. Not only will she have future children to take care of, but her parents, your parents, and you. And she will have no one to lean on when she needs it.What happens when you're in the middle of a depression, she's had to work overtime, the housework has been neglected, the washing machine has broken down, bills have fallen behind, your parents need extra care, and her car needs servicing? Who does she turn to? You don't have to be a wealthy tycoon or a flamboyant jet setter. You do have to be interesting and she won't be interested in sitting home every night playing video games or watching you play them. You have to be reliable and with a history of depression and menial jobs, reliable you are not. You have to be someone she can lean on from time to time instead of always leaning on her. You have to be someone who offers her a better future than what she could have on her own or with someone else. The thing is, it doesn't have to be this way. You're clearly an intelligent, articulate man and you are capable of far more than you realise. We all have fears, some more than others. In some ways I can relate to you. Many years ago I became agoraphobic (one of many crippling fears I had). I could barely leave the house except to go to work and a few 'safe' places with 'safe people' and I had stopped driving entirely. Eventually I decided that was not a life. I've overcome many of my fears and still working on others. My life is radically different and much improved from what it was back then. I urge you to strive for something better for yourself. Start small. Maybe speak to a life coach. Read helpful articles. Do something.There is hope and it's worth it to try. The reward at the end is worth facing your fears for.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2012): hi there - you sound like a very nice, sweet, caring guy. I don't think you're doomed to be alone forever, I think this lady just wasn't the right person. But, considering that the relationship, while it lasted, was amazing, that tells you that you DO have what it takes to attract ladies and keep their interest. Ultimately she happened to place a high priority on career which makes her incompatible and that's no one's fault. But there are many women who don't have that priority, and I'm sure if you find them you will hit it off just as well. Look at all the blue-collar people everywhere - couples where the man or both the man and woman are blue-collar workers. They still got together, got married, raised families. But you don't often see blue-collar workers getting together with white collar workers long term, it usually is just that white collar people tend to want to pair up with other white collar people. Just a cultural divide. If you want to make changes in your life to become more upwardly mobile, that's great. If you do not want to do that and are content with where you are in life (apart from the relationship issue), that is great too. There's a lot to be said for being happy with the life you have. Don't change yourself JUST because you think it will get you a woman. Change yourself if it's what you want to do even if you never find a woman, but because you believe the change alone would be worth it and good for you in other ways.that said, if you do want to get a better job, I don't think you need to spend a lot of money or time on getting re-trained. You might try the apprentice route, and learn on the job while earning money. You might have to knock on doors to ask for such opportunities, or you might join a trade association and ask around that way. my husband does not have a college degree, he dropped out of college because it just wasn't his thing - it isn't for everyone. he spent 20 years in one trade, then due to injuries on the job he couldn't do that anymore and had to totally change vocations. He asked around to people he knew, and became an apprentice and within 2 years of learning on the job he was pretty self-sufficient. Fast forward another 3 years and he's now successfully owning his own one-man business doing his new trade.
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