A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:About 8 months ago a guy from school and I started getting close.( He is currently deputy head boy and black, I'm white) At first I took everything he said to me as a joke cos I couldn't see how one of the most popular guys at school could like me. And at the time I was in a relationship. I invited him on a chat site and we started just taling about anything you could think of. The begining of this year(January) my ex and I split up, not cos of the feeling I had started getting for the other guy but cos his jealousy had finally gotten to me. Febuary we were each others valentines, and shortly after that we started dating. Everyboby who know about us could see we were hasppy, but we had to hide it cos my parents are very racist. My mom found out and said if I did not break up with him she would do it. We kept on dating and 3 weeks later my mom got another phone call from somebody saying we dating. This tine she phoned the school and complained how could they be allowing it. The teachers in charge of the prefects called him in and told him either he breaks up with me or they take his badge away. So that finnally lead us to breaking up cos I can't allow him to lose something he has worked hard to get. Additionally when he decided to ask his legal mother (who is white) for advice she made him break all contact with me. That led to both of us being miserable. Now we talking again and holding hands in english class (We don't have a teacher so we sit and do anything we want). Some in class can see we great togerher but the black girls who are friends with him bad mouth me.IS there any chance of us being together and does anybody know or think they know what we are?
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female
reader, Midge  +, writes (28 April 2008):
 I think unless you have lived in the country, you couldnt imagine how an inter-racial relationship is seen in South Africa. Most say that judging people by their colour is stupid, and I would agree with that. However when you have the problems associated with that type of relationship in SA, you are made out to be the bad one, the one that disgraces the family name.
I think if you feel so strong about this guy, in a year or two's time, you will still feel the same about him. You will then be old enough to make you own decisions and although I am sure your parents will never accept the relationship, you will be able to have the relationship you want, not under your parents roof.
Good Luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAt first it was kept secret only 3 of our friends know. But when my mom found out she threatened to tell my father (Who still does not know), take me out of high school and not allow me to go to university.
But privatly she said she would not tell my father so none of the other stuff could happen.
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A
male
reader, gayuncleandy  +, writes (27 April 2008):
 Have respect for your heart and do whatever safely you can to keep it happy. Nothing need be serious at this stage in life and hand holding in English class can be happier BECAUSE of bad mouthing. However, if it gets to heavy, know when to withdraw, but there is also a time to advance. Pick your battles very carefully, and not without advice from those who know you and love you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2008): Just tell everyone who has a problem to go get a life and that you love eachother, judging people cos of their skin colour is stupid...and hes deputy head boy for god sake, so he must be pretty good. Tell your parents to stop being judgmental racists, and tell the school that its none of their business and that you wont do anything in school if it bothers them so much. If things still dont go good, then I'd just run away with him after you both finish school, but its really your choice and i dont know much bout south africa's opinions cos i live in UK, but what I do know is that love knows no boundaries.
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A
female
reader, Midge +, writes (27 April 2008):
Okay, I am South African and I know the stigma attached to races in South Africa, so can understand the situation you are in, is somewhat difficult and most of the time considered a disgrace.
If you two are so in love and feel so much for each other, then perhaps you will consider waiting until you are finished matric and can then make decisions on your own. There is a very big gap in thought between other countries and South Africa. In SA the thought of a black and white relationship is considered a "no-no", a disgrace if you even think of it. Whereas in other countries it is considered "a relationship", its not seen as anyting else other than two people in love.
My parents were exactly the same. Wouldnt have even contemplated an inter-racial relationship. I think I would have been ban from the house. However you also have to see if from their perspective too. This is not condoning racism by any means as I personally now living in the UK find it offensive. But the country that we were brought up in is not like any other country. Apartheid was banished many years ago, which I never agreed with, but now the country is in an "apartheid in reverse" situation. This has just not helped and every white person is tarred with the same brush. Every black person is tarred with the same brush.
I matriculated the year that schools in SA became inter-racial and it was very difficult. Unless you have been brought up in an environment like we did, you cannot even begin to think about what we had to go through. And I am not talking about the white people, I am talking about everyone at that time. It was a huge change but one that needed to happen.
The bottom line is, your parents grew up in very hard times in SA. They have been brought up thinking that a black/white relationship was taboo and God help you if you even considered it. So you cannot blame them for the way in which they have reacted. You have to make them change their minds and trust me that will be difficult. Perhaps 10-15 years away SA will be like most countries, but at the moment it is far from that.
If you both feel so much for each other, wait until you are finished school and at Uni or College. Take things slow. Your parents will probably never approve of the relationship but if you want to be together you will need to wait until you do not live under their roof. Then you are your own person and can live as you want to live. Until then, I suggest you wait.
Good Luck and let us know how you get on. Always nice to hear from a fellow South African.
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