A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm hoping that some of the older and wiser people on here can shed some light on this for me:My last boyfriend I loved to pieces, would have done anything for. For three years I would have walked to the moon and back for that man. I find it hard to imagine how I could be more in love with someone. But in the end it didn't work out. We weren't as compatible as we'd hoped and arguments etc. led me to become drained with the whole thing and I now feel nothing of the sort. There was no cheating, no major argument - just the fact that we decided to part, the feelings weren't there any more and it wasn't practical for us to be together because of career changes etc. I wanted to split up at the end, there was no malice and no bad feeling at all. I can't believe it was only infatuation, I did care very very very much about him. I still care about him. But I'm not in love with him any more, I know that much. So my question is; is there such a thing as "true love"? I understand that the intense passion and excitement early in a relationship fades, and that that's not what love's about. But could someone please explain to me what else we're aiming for here? Because once that fades, all that's left is surely a very deep friendship. I've heard people saying that they can't imagine their lives without their partners, but at the time that's what I would have said about my last boyfriend. What's the difference between feeling all those "in love" things - by no means artificially at the time - that eventually fades, and being truly in love and have it last forever "can't bear to be without each other" soul mates. Is there a difference? Or is it just practical - the soul mates stick it out and stay together,/the others split up.I'm not just being disillusioned because I've had breakups, I'm just having trouble understanding it. Is there such a thing as soul mates/true love, and if so what sets it apart from other relationships with very strong feelings for each other? If there is something magical and amazing to aim for out there, I really want to know and I will damn sure be aiming for it. But if all I'm really looking for is a relationship like my last one that works out I'm not convinced it's all as wonderful as it's made out to be. Seriously, if you have discovered such a thing please do tell me.
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soul mates, soulmate, split up Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2008): There is a book called "the 5 love languages" it talks about different types of love, and how each different type of love is reciprocated to each person, it is a very good read, makes you open your eyes a little more about life and love.
Stephen
A
female
reader, shoequeen  +, writes (3 May 2008):
 you obviously felt very strongly at the time for your ex and 3 years is quite a long time. (i have had 2 marriages that lasted alot less time put together and another that lasted barely 3 years). i don't think the actual feelings would change if you were to find your long-term soulmate and anyway the feelings you describe 'My last boyfriend I loved to pieces, would have done anything for. For three years I would have walked to the moon and back for that man'... sound pretty wonderful to me! why wouldn't you be satisfied to feel just like that only for longer? that takes care of the chemistry/spark/ the passionate side of things. after 3 short-lived marriages i can't profess to know how the feelings would develop after the first few years. when you know you're both in it for the long haul as it were! i can only imagine you would feel a deeper connection emotionally, mentally and i would hope spiritually. a real melding of mind, body and soul. well thats my take on it after 3 failed marriages i wouldn't settle for anything less ever!! lifes too short to settle. it took me some time to work that one out...i used to think that each major relationship of mine (or should i say marriage...) was a meeting of souls at that particular time. i believed that each partner/husband was meant to be. so that we could conceivably have several different soul mates over a life-time. then i got married to no.3 (when you have to resort to numbering them you know you have gone too far!) and the whole marriage was a nightmare!! he was i soon found out not a nice person in fact very unpleasant and i realised that i had saw what i hadn't to see and that far from fate or mean to be...i had made out in my own mind that both him and the relationship was something it wasn't. it sounds ridulous now but i had intentionally ignored the alarm bells frantically ringing in my head of our incompatability using the 'logic' that i would go against my 'type' as my first two marriages had not worked out and i had been physically attracted to them both. yes i know pure insanity...what i am trying to say (badly!) is that we should never try to make every relationship the 'one' as that way leads to trouble and tears. we should accept that most of our relatonships will end but that we will go on to find other partners we are more suited to. the ebb and flow of life as it were...i think you did so well to be able to walk away relatively unscathed from a partner and relationship that you had felt really strongly about at the beginning. you were able to recognise that despite that you two were not meant to be. i still believe in love and the true connection of a soulmate. and despite my divorces i still think my marriages (except for no.3!!) were meant at the time and so each was a soulmate or how i perceived a soulmate to be at that time. but my expectations of what a true connection is have changed with maturity and the passing of time. now my expectations are far far higher!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2008): Steve, I have to say, you completely blew my mind today. I do understand - thank you so much for teaching me that! Having read your answer and thought on my relationships, everything is amazingly clearer to me, thank you so much!
Malvern, thank you so much for your kind words. I have seen "love actually", but I had never thought about there being different types of true love before. It's lovely to hear from someone older than myself, really inspiring thank you! I think you're right, me and my ex did lack the yearning to be together after the excitement, and having thought on what Steve said, he's spot on about why!
Crowned princess, how lovely to hear about your relationship, congratulations on the little one on the way! Really amazing to hear about someone who's found happiness, and thank you for the advice to stop looking. I think there's a lot of truth in that. It's nice to know that it's definitely out there whenever it happens.
Thank you so much guys, I really have learnt a lot from you all!
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A
female
reader, crownedprincess +, writes (27 April 2008):
Hiya.
i think you have to be with a few more partners to know
what true love is. I've had a few previous partners and
thought i could never find love again so i stopped looking
for it and concentrated on myself and then bam! true love
came along but i was very careful to begin with as i was
thinking yes all this is great but will it last!! When it
comes to true love once you've got past the honeymoon
stage u begin to learn things about each other that you
didnt know wether you like theses things or not! the one
thing ive learnt is that you do have to work at you
relationship for it too work and is defanitly a 2 way thing
if you dont have that its not going to work!!
Since meeting my true love i couldn't be happier and i
honestly couldn't imagen waking up with out him, he makes
me complete and i know i do him! we've got 2 wonderful kids
and 3rd on the way, he puts up with all my moaning and like
wise putting up with his "man flu!" but when you do find
it you know you have and what comes after the honeymoon
period is so much more than the first stages, i know at the
beginning is great where you cant rip yourselves apart!
but after that you get all the commitmant, they joy of
sharing things with each other! there is no1 else in this
world id wanan share my life my kids n my marrige with than
my soul mate!
but honestly if you want true love stop looking for it!!
it will find you no matter what anyone says it does work
as it catches you off guard and that person gets to see
the real you not someone who is sayin please pick me!
good luck x
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A
female
reader, malvern +, writes (27 April 2008):
 I'm a female in my fifties and I'd say, yes there is true love. Sometimes you don't realise how much you love somebody until after they've gone for whatever reason. There are many different types of true love. Watch the film Love Actually, there's a lot of truth in it. If you love a person and you're compatible as well, then you've cracked it.Unfortunately this doesn't happen most of the time. I think true love is when two people are happy to be with each other, can live in domestic bliss together, to support each other and yet still respect each other. True love is what's left when the feelings of excitement have died down and you still yearn to be together.
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