A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:In May 2004 my partner of 8 years passed away from brain tumours. After a few months I met a woman who has since become my wife. I met her way too early and she was initially patient and then pushy for me to move on, and over time this bred resentment. We decided to try for a child (for some reason that escapes me prior to getting married). We got married while she was pregnant, and about 3-6 months I felt taht I did not love my wife and she would ask why I had stopped saying I love her. one night in frustration I told her that I did not love her and probably never would. These actions happened over 3 years ago and I have never been able to explain them (I do not recall even saying them).After 6 months of being starved of sex, I started surfing porn at night. I registered at dating sites for the fantasy of sex with another woman as the woman.At around the same time I registered with lpsg.org and took what I thought at the time a photo of my penis.She found the photo left on a camera, the porn on my computer and after digging, my dating profile.We have both been avoiding each other for 3 years, and recently I have awoken from the coma to reality. We are currently legally separated under the same roof.I have been seeing a psychologist about my grief and other issues. I want to know if this looks like it is reconcilable or this would be too far gone for reconciliation.We have a 4 year old child and I would like to know how this would impact her.I am going away for 2 weeks to grant us some space. We have not been apart for more than 14 hours in the entire duration of our relationship.Any enlightenment would be helpful.
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male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify  +, writes (15 September 2010):
 this was never a functional relationship- you were on the rebound BUT you have a child and need to remain civil to ensure things are not affecting them. from what you describe this relationship is dead in the water...
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (15 September 2010):
Hi there. It seems like you met this new woman before you had even begun grieving for your deceased partner.
Unfortunately, it's a rebound thing. You were probably happy to have some company, and then things moved along a bit too quickly.
You can't really change history. You do have parental rights to see your child weekly or fortnightly. That is your right as a parent.
It might have been doomed right from the beginning. Had you properly grieved for your deceased partner, and had some time to get to know yourself and to adjust to this drastic change in your life, you would then have been ready to consider moving on. But you have tried to move on far too quickly.
This new woman started to get impatient, and you just went along with it, knowing you weren't ready. This is the unfortunate consequences of doing things too soon. Especially, after something so emotionally major in your life as the death of someone so close to you. These changes can never be forced, it does take some time to adjust and to even consider if and when you want to look for someone else.
It's probably water under the bridge now, to try and reconcile with your separated ex-wife. As it all happened too soon after your first partner's death, you didn't have time to grieve at all.
It's probably better under these circumstances, that you come to terms with the loss and grieve now. Please don't try to get into another relationship now, as the same thing is very likely to happen. It won't bring you the happiness you crave. It can't be forced to happen sooner than it's meant to.
Another relationship now, is the worst thing you could possibly do. You are not ready to do that yet. You need to give yourself some time, it's really important to do this. Not just a couple of weeks or months. I mean something like a year, 18 months or even 2 years. You have to begin again.
You will know in your heart, when the time is right - to move on. It cannot be rushed or forced.
Take good care of yourself. Best wishes.
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