A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Does marriage get better with age and has anyone sucessfully survived a cheating spouse? I am 24 years old and have been married since I was 21. My husband and I have a child that is 2. My husband was a Marine and he had an affair while he was out of state for duty. I have been faithfull to him since day one and during two long deployments. I am very hurt that he did this to me and our child. I only found out because I snooped on him becuase of his behavior change. He finally admitted to cheating the entire time he was gone, after I showed him proof (pics from her facebook that she so gratefully wanted to share to the world). He said that it was a mistake and wants to make it work. He denied that this has every happened before but I do not believe him and people have told me otherwise. It has been over a year since this has happed and about five months since I dug myself out of denile; But it is still constantly on my mind, what makes it worse is he is the only man I have ever been with. He doesnt deserve that but I could never cheat even if I tried. I am trying to work it out for our son and in hopes it will be better. He had been doing much better but I dont really know him because he acts differently when Im not around. And we are so young, was this "mistake" his charater or has he finally just grown up? I am lacking experience and need advice if this sistuation can get better. Are there really men out there that dont cheat? Because I have compeletly lost faith. I am happy with him but just cant get the affair out of my mind. Songs remind me of her because of emails I read (oh yeah he kept in contact after he returned home and while he was out of state for three months he compeletly ignored me and his son and didnt call or talk to me even though I was struggling with the responsibilites of temporally being a single working mother)and I think of him with her in several sistuations (even sex which is hard to enjoy with a third party on your mind) We have gone to counceling which went well for him but didnt really help me at all.If anyone has any comments or advice I welcome them! I am lost in this thing call marriage. I am in a town where I have no friends or family because of the military and have been struggling with this burden by myself. Thanks for listing....
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (21 September 2010):
Hello again. I have another idea which might also help.There is a good book about relationships that might also be useful to you.That book is called - "I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You" (Seven Steps to Saving Your Relationship), by Andrew G. Marshall. The publisher is "Bloomsbury". Most good bookstores would probably sell it, or alternatively try going into amazon.com.The book describes the stages all relationships go through over the years and how things change. It's light reading, and provides some very useful information. It also explains about how to bring back the passion into the relationship. It makes really makes good sense.Even though you are not describing this exactly (what the title suggests), I'm sure you will find much information you can readily apply and make a difference in both your lives. There is much to be gained.Good luck. Take care and best wishes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would like to thank everyone who responded to my questions. They all were very helpful & helped me see things in a different light. Thanks for taking the time to help!! And I am still open for others advice...
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A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (16 September 2010):
 A mistake is a one-night stand; this man carried on with another woman for a while, took photos with this woman, ignored his wife and kid while he had fun, and lied when confronted with the truth. I think your husband and some of the other posters are wrong to classify his actions as a "mistake" and are minimizing the gravity of the situation by defining it as such.
Does marriage get better with age? I think it does. I used to work with a woman who told me that she and her husband argued every day for the first five years of their marriage. One day, the fighting just stopped. When I asked her why, she said it was because they both finally grew up and that despite all of the fighting, they were both committed to the marriage and making it work. I think this is the key to evaluating your situation; are BOTH of you committed to the marriage? Are BOTH of you willing to do the hard work it takes to make a marriage work? Has your husband shown any remorse for his behavior and is he actively working to reassure you that he will not cheat again? If you can't answer two of these three questions with a "yes" you may need to seriously think about whether or not it is in your best interest to stay in this relationship.
None of us know your husband's motivations, but he's the one who broke the vows and he needs to put as much effort into repairing your marriage as you do. Don't for a minute think it's all on you to fix things or that you need to walk around on eggshells and jump through hoops to make him happy so he won't cheat again. Remember, this is not your fault and you're not lacking in any way. Even though the counseling made him feel better, you can't call it a success until you feel better, too. I suggest that the two of you continue with the marital counseling so you can have him address all of your issues and concerns about his behavior. If in the end things don't improve and you decide to divorce, you can end your marriage knowing that you gave it your all.
A visit to spend time with your friends and family will lift your spirits and give you some perspective; take a trip home if you can swing it!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2010): whilst me and my boyfriend arent married for got kids together... He too cheated on me..around christmas!!! but i think wiv a long talk.....very long talk about what you both want and need, you can put this behind you. Whilst you never forget, i certainly havent, you learn to not focus on it and focus on the love and bond you share. This honestly could be ONE mistake.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (15 September 2010):
Hi there. It's pretty hard to trust someone if they are unfaithful.He had a weak moment (or moments), when he was away. Although this was a shock to you, it is good that since it happened, that you found out about it. So it was no longer a secret.It seems that now he hasn't continued on with this woman.Men often deny guilt when put on the spot. But don't worry about that too much, as you already have the proof that it happened. So there's really no need for him to confess.From now on, try to start trusting him again even though it won't be easy. There probably will be a few niggling doubts each time he goes out, but try not to hound him about it or nag him either. You don't want to put him offside. Instead, if he does happen to go out just say - "Have a nice evening", kiss him goodbye then smile and try hard to be carefree. But try not to sound desperate or needy, no matter how bad you feel.It will take time to regain that trust, but in time you will have less and less doubt and it will fade away altogether. Then things will return to normal, is if it never happened.Sometimes people have affairs because they are looking for something in their lives. Nothing whatsoever to do with sex. More of an escape from reality. Particularly, like when a person feels their life has no purpose. A kind of boredom and a disillusionment with their own life. They might use casual sex (or surfing the net, porn, workaholic, alcohol, gambling, drugs, sleeping), as a means of not having to deal with the real problem - which is they don't know what they want from their life, but they just know that something is missing. It's not uncommon. It serves the purpose as a quick fix, a bit of fun in the absence of something more meaningful to do.This is not about you, it's about him - and what's missing in his own life.What would be a much better way to deal with this uneasy, restless feeling, would be to make their own lives as interesting and exciting as it can be. Start seeing their friends a bit more, and having fun and laughing. Starting some new interests and hobbies would also fill their time in a more fulfilling way. It puts back the balance, which is needed. He needs to have more fun.Also, if the two of you (plus your child), start doing some interesting and fun stuff together and make your time together special. Going out to nice places or occasionally out for a nice meal. It doesn't have to cost a lot of money. Perhaps on the weekend, going for a picnic to a pretty park or place and take along some delicious food and a bottle of wine as well.Also good communication is very important. Being supportive of him and not nagging or criticising. Remember it's not what you say, but how you say it - that really counts.Try not to take each other for granted. Your needs are as important as his. When you do talk, try to speak to each in the same room - looking into each other's eyes. It's also much more personal, than calling out to each other from different rooms.In time, these rocky situations all work themselves out and the seas run smooth once again.As difficult as it can be to find out your partner has had an affair, it is often an ice breaker and couples often say that in a way, it's the best thing to ever happen. As when it does, it makes you super aware to what's happening in the relationship that you probably just took for granted before. It can breathe fresh air into it that might never have happened if the affair hadn't happened.They always say that things happen for a reason. That reason is what we learn from it, it's the silver lining behind the grey cloud.Have courage and believe in yourself. Yes, it is very worth your while to stay with this man. It's just a rough patch. Most relationships have some problems.Believe in him and trust him, unless he ever gives you reason not to.Hope this helps you. Take care and best wishes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2010): If your husband did everything he could to continue a cheating relationship behind your back, until he learned he'd been found out, is it really worth catering to his job? He wouldn't admit to any of it until you showed him the proof, and the reason the counselling helped him and not you, is because YOU were the one who was hurt, not him..
You can't feel as though you're ruining your son's life with his father if you move away, or find another man. It was your husband who chose between a sure life with his son and cheating for his own selfish pleasure. He chose his road, so choose yours, and don't feel guilty when you do. He felt guilt, not care, but you must do the opposite and show care, not guilt. The happier you are, the happier your son will be, and sticking by your husband's side isn't making you happy.
Also, go to a counsellor by yourself, for yourself, aside from going together with your husband. That will help you a great deal with expressing your emotions, especially since you don't have others to talk to where you live. If you don't feel comfortable with one counsellor, switch immediately to a different one. You'll feel alot better and see alot clearer when you go to one alone. They can offer you tools to use and ideas to go by, which surprisingly can help alot sometimes.
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