A
male
age
36-40,
*uvrnofghtr
writes:My former college girlfriend, who I have never stopped loving, contacted me at the end of August. Said she had left her husband of five years and planned to divorce him. We spent Labor Day weekend together at my house. After the holiday, she decided that she owed it to her husband to try for a reconciliation. I was disappointed because I really wanted her back and thought I could make her happy this time, but I didn’t want to break up her marriage either. She and her husband got back together near the end of September. Now I’ve just learned from a mutual friend that she had lied to me. She hadn’t left her husband. HE had kicked HER out. I’m told he had accused her of constantly lying to him. What’s more -they got back together because she’s pregnant. They haven’t told many people yet about the pregnancy, but our mutual friend tipped me off that she’s due May 23, 2020. I didn’t think much about it at first. Late September to late May is 9 months. I couldn’t be the father. But something about the situation kept nagging at me. I finally called my doctor and presented the scenario. She stunned me with the news that due dates aren’t calculated by the date of conception but by the date of a lady’s last period. According to my doctor the baby was probably conceived between August 27th and September 4th. My ex-girlfriend and I made love every day August 30 to September 2. Unless she was with some other guy a couple of days before or after, I HAVE to be her baby’s father.The more I think about things, the more I suspect that she deliberately used me to get pregnant so that she could reconcile with her husband. She initiated contact with me. She initiated most of the sex. She insisted we didn’t have to use protection because she was on the pill. If this is all true, she’s beyond deceitful and I’d want my child. I’d want custody. The thing is I can’t be sure and I don’t see how I can even begin to find out without possibly destroying a lot of lives. I’d bet that her husband doesn’t know she slept with me during their estrangement. If the baby isn’t mine and he finds out she and I were together, their marriage is over. If the baby is mine, and I try to get custody, their marriage is over that way. I don’t want to hurt this man. I think he’s a good guy. I’ve thought about confronting my ex with it, but if she lied to conceive a kid with me, she’d just keep lying. How can I trust anything she tells me? The only other option is to just keep quiet about our affair and let her get away with the lies and manipulations, but I honestly don’t think I could ever be at peace knowing that her child could be mine. What should I do? Is there a way out without destroying several lives?
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male
reader, Justryingtohelp  +, writes (7 June 2020):
Am I missing something here? Is the child's mother not fit or willing to care for her child?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2020): Until a DNA test verifies who the biological-father is; you can't accuse the mother of anything. You were in the process of attempting to destroy a marriage(intentionally, or unintentionally); and you had no facts to support your assumptions at that time. At best it was a wild guess and a destructive approach; using no reason, logic, or confirmed facts. I understand you felt the child was yours; but gut-feelings don't hold-up in court. Otherwise, you were just harassing the woman and her husband...of course, with good-intentions at-heart.
There was a lot of speculation and accusation in your previous posts; you had nothing to go-by, but the words of a friend who was instigating all sorts of trouble and working you up. I tend to be skeptical of happy ever after follow-up responses after extremely volatile posts. Suddenly the tides turn, and the OP turns-out the hero, and the accused is the bad-guy. She was struggling to hold-on to her marriage; and protect herself from a reckless indiscretion, that ultimately cost her her marriage. Place yourself in her shoes.
For all her husband knew, it was his kid; and he probably grew to love him. It's most unfortunate for him; but if things have ended as you've claimed, good for him.
Unfortunately, we get one-side of every story. I must add that if you now know for certain it is your child, and you are capable of being a good father to your son; I could only wish you nothing but the very best, and the same goes for the child.
However, just because you have issues with the mother; does not justify the cruelty of yanking her child out of her arms to be spiteful and vindictive. When the child grows old enough to understand what's going-on; the story behind your reasoning may not be enough to maintain a good relationship with him, as he develops his own opinions. He's in the middle. All he knows is his parents don't get along, but what does that have to do with what he feels about either of them?
I suggest you try to change your opinion, and not judge her so harshly. You got a married-woman pregnant, and who are you to point fingers at her and act as if everything is her fault? She is still the mother of your son; and how you treat his mother might comeback to bite you someday.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 June 2020):
 Well, I feel bad for the husband. But I think in all honesty he DESERVED to know the truth, just like you did. And the child, in the future.
Have you talked to a lawyer? Do you know your rights? Being the BIOLOGICAL dad doesn't always means you have ANY rights.
Good luck to you, the husband and your kid.
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A
male
reader, Luvrnofghtr +, writes (6 June 2020):
Luvrnofghtr is verified as being by the original poster of the question If anyone is interested, my son was born May 19. Yes, a DNA test has proved that I fathered my ex’s baby. It’s all out in the open now. She and her husband are divorcing. He’s actually a really cool guy. It was rocky at first and awkward, but we’ve become really good buds. He’s offered to testify for me when I sue for custody of my son. As for my ex, I see now how stupid I was. I’ll never again be drawn into that kind of relationship with another woman again. All I want is to raise my boy and be the best dad I can be.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2019): Do not do ANYTHING. Nothing good will come out of it. You'll be stuck with a child and a woman who doesn't love you. Hopefully she won't contact you about it and play it off as her husband's child. Consider yourself lucky. Run away!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2019): Everything you wrote in your post hedges on speculation and supposition. You have no facts to back-up any of it.
All you have is the circumstantial-evidence you had sex with this woman for a few days. Unless you were a flea riding piggy-back and watching her every move; you can only presume you were the only man she had sex with since your affair. If they are attempting reconciliation of their marriage, it's nobody's business but theirs. You're full of soap-opera/reality TV suspicion that may cause more trouble than it's worth. If it turns-out to be your kid, trust that you'll know about it; if she leaves her husband, and he won't pay her child-support!
Maybe it's your child, maybe it isn't! How do you know if she wasn't sleeping with her husband the days before you met, or anybody else? You're jumping to conclusions, and you're also going on the hearsay of some mutual-friend; who seems well-versed and ready to gossip about all the most intimate details of your romantic-fling's personal-life.
You should have used protection, and you had better get checked to make sure you haven't also picked-up a sexually-transmitted disease. If it was all for the sake of getting pregnant, you don't know how many previous sperm-donors may have made their deposits! Leaving more than a possible fertilized-egg! There are all kinds of silent-infections and possible viral-hitchhikers in seminal-fluid that could take-up residence in your body! You may never know for years!
Leave them alone. You're all worked-up over what somebody told you that could be nothing but a string of lies. For all you know, this so-called mutual-friend could have their own vendetta.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2019): It is a massive 'if' for you being the father. yes you slept together for a few days but she probably slept with her husband before and after that. and you cannot possibly know if those dates are even accurate. conception and due dates are not as black and white as that. your doctor is very irresponsible to guess the due dates based on second hand information.
I would wait a bit longer and see how this all plays out. Don't jump into doing anything right now. You might find some of the answers come to you and you won't need to go looking for them.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 October 2019):
Yikes, OP
I'm sorry you are having to deal with this dilemma at all. Some of it, however, WAS avoidable. Like a pregnancy. Unprotected sex is just foolish at your age. She could have passed on all kind of STD's and... SHE was (and still is) MARRIED so any pregnancy with you OR STD ( you could have given her one too) would complicate a LOT of people's lives.
Before you do anything, I'd give a few months to see of she is ACTUALLY pregnant or not.
And TALK to a lawyer. In some states a kid produced IN a marriage is LEGALLY the husband's, REGARDLESS of who fathered it. Other states the man on the birth certificate is the father, REGARDLESS of who fathered it. Which leaves you without any rights. SO DEFINITELY talk to a lawyer. KNOW your LEGAL rights before you try ANYTHING.
DO NOT trust her AT ALL. You can't. Neither can the husband.
I understand how you feel about NOT wanting to ruin a family, but here is the thing, OP... SHE already did THAT with her lies. Does the husband NOT deserve the CHOICE of whether he wants to PERHAPS raise another man's kid or not?
Would you NOT want to know that your WIFE ran to another man and had unprotected sex for weeks while you were "separated"?
ARE you doing HIM a favor with silence?
ARE you doing yourself any favors with silence?
For now though, I'd give it a few months to see if she is ACTUALLY pregnant. Like Youcannotbeserious mention, SHE could be lying about the due date, she could be lying about being pregnant. But most people are ALL over social media with news like that. So it shouldn't be too hard to see if she is really pregnant.
And I also think you need to consider, CAN you raise a kind on your own. Do you have the support-net for that? Would it be in the BEST interest of the child to be with her family or you? Though, IF you (after she has the baby demand a DNA test) she might not HAVE a family.
There is a LOT for you to think about.
Don't confront her until you have 1. KNOW for sure 100% she is pregnant 2. Have decided what you might want to do 3. talked with a lawyer.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (25 October 2019):
 Who knows what the truth of the story is as far as their marriage goes. The consequences of her lies are her problem to deal with. While her husband may be a nice guy, not your concern. Both victims of her bullshit. If there is any truth to the pregnancy and the possibility that you may be the father you could ask for a non invasive prenatal paternity test. If you are the father-get some legal advice as the biological parent you do have rights.
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A
male
reader, Luvrnofghtr +, writes (25 October 2019):
Luvrnofghtr is verified as being by the original poster of the questionRe: Youcannotbeserious. Why would a court “hand over” custody to me? If I indeed am the father and can establish paternity, I would likely stand a good chance of getting joint custody. In a world where men abandon kids left and right, I think the court would look favorably on one who wants to step up to the plate and take responsibility for the life he helped create.
Also, apparently you lack reading comprehension skills. I already stated that I don’t have proof of paternity at this point, and I admitted that I don’t want to hurt my ex’s husband. Thus, I really don’t need to be to be warned about “throwing out allegations.” That’s why I came here. I thought maybe someone might have sound advice on how to proceed from this point without hurting the others involved. And, really, telling people after-the-fact that they shouldn’t have had unprotected sex isn’t useful at all. Frankly, your tone sounds extremely rude and judgmental to me.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (25 October 2019):
 You need to think this through very carefully before doing or saying ANYTHING. You have absolutely ZERO proof that this baby is yours so you can't go around throwing out allegations.
There are a lot of "unknowns" in this story. Given your ex's apparent penchant for lying, she might not even be pregnant. She could be pretending as a way of getting back with her husband (in which case, she will "lose the baby" at some point). Your friend could have wrong information. Your friend could be part of a plot to wind you up. Your ex could have already been pregnant when she had sex with you. The "due date" may be based on information your ex has given doctors which, given her track record, may or may not be true. Need I go on?
Even IF the baby is yours - and that is a humongous IF - unless the mother (and assumed father) are deemed incapable of looking after the child, I can't see any court handing over custody of the baby to you. Why would they?
Learn a lesson from this. ALWAYS use contraception. You should CERTAINLY not have been having unprotected sex with someone who has only just split up with her husband. Go and get yourself tested to make sure there are no other "surprises" as a result of your few torrid nights of passion.
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