A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Yesterday I went out on a dinner with my boyfriend and his coworkers. His female asistant was absent. I recently started paying attention to his strange behavior, first he was watching how men stare at me, then started saying that everyone sees me and they don’t see a ring on my Finger and he wants people to know I am his wife. Yet, he has never proposed. I said do people think you have a wife with no ring? He said no, they see my finger and know that I’m not married. I said look at my finger, you know I wear another ring, so people know. Currently he gets moody and angry at me most of the time. He randomly gives me chocolates or food and he comments how good of a “husband” he is for something so small when In reality he treats me like trash . He has nightmares where I leave him and cheat on him and he screams in his sleep. He is jealous about every guy that coments my social media or dms me when it is all for work stuff. I was at the office and turns out His assistant doesn’t know about my daughter who lives with us and is our daughter, too. Which is weird.. since I confonted him he said that it’s Because they never tallk. But they do and they get along really well. She didn’t even pay for her food that we ordered that day. In the dinner we drank beer and at the house I wanted to make love but he ignored me, started accusing me that a friend of mine, Brother of one of my besties gave me a nickname in a dm, when the fact is that he was using to refer to another person. I explained that to him but he kicked me and took my sheet and left me uncovered in bed and I felt humiliated. I wake up in the middle of the night and check his phone and he was watching porn, and had dm’d his ex who he never admitted to have dated. I quote “you look perfect, elegant, stunning” and a gif of a kiss on the cheek. In the photo she says “you have my loyalty forever”. He ignores my posts, never replys and never comments. I feel so nauseous I can’t even breathe. The girl in the porn looks like her. Then he wrote another woman “greetings from x you rock” heart emoji. And he wrote my friend who he has a crush on, and deleted most of the Messages, the only thing I was able to see was that he was Telling her how jealous I am of the trip she’s going to. That was a secret. Wtf! I want to end things with him but I don’t have money and I have nowhere to go. I feel miserable and trapped in a toxic as hell relationship. I even saw that he liked her photos when we were together five months into our relationship and I was pregnant. Things are messed up in my life and I have no one, no friends who could help me and no family. My relationship took over everyone’s place in my life, including my parents because they just want me to be with him no matter what, for my beloved children, and I have no one to go to. Please help me with your advice. I am so sad.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2019): I'm sorry for my bad grammar, it's just that I was typing on my cellphone and it was really hard to write as quick while being so exasperated, I had to ignore the flaws to write everything down.
Thank you, WiseOwlE, you have helped me a lot with your words, I couldn't respond earlier and I'm so sorry, life has been a rollercoaster.
You are so right about so many things! You seem so wise, and you guessed that I do have a family.
I hate to talk about my family but here we go...
Let me clarify that my family does live and it's not that I haven't reached out to them, it's just that they don't want to be my friends or help me. I have no connections with aunts or relatives here, and because mom is foreign and my dad was a person who left for years and then came back, estranged from everyone.
I seriously think that my mom and dad they just despise me, they see me as the failed kid, the one that got pregnant before having a marriage and a career. Every attempt at making some sort of connection fails. I have tried and tried to be close to them and they always end up being mean. I might even post about this.
We are a family that seems fine but everyone's cold about eachother. My mom and dad, they don't get along and live together. I love them but sometimes I think they are too selfish, I see clearly how they have favoritism for their kids according to who is more usable for them. I have a sister, we don't speak to each other because I can't stand her. They totally hate my sister but they stand her because of her money. They fake it all the way, for years they used to be nice to her and talk trash behind her back. And they still are in good terms with her but my mom still talks trash about her.
How can I be sure that it's not the same with me, my mom says she loves me but I can't trust her because it's the thing she does with my sister, and every single time when I need her to be there for me she has some kind of dumb excuse.
She made my life hell so I leave the house and she gave me to my stupid boyfriend without batting an eyelash so she could get rid of me at 16. Because she never wanted to be my mom. She just wants me to stay in this relationship no matter the violence. Just so I don't come home.
I am not a saint, and maybe I suck too, maybe I am rotten and probably because of all the bullying I got at home and at school in my early years, but I don't think that I am a bad person, I am just too sad. That's why I don't go to them, like, mom and dad they just think that I should provide for them and instead I have to beg for their help. I don't want to ask for their help, they need money from me since I am the younger one.
I am tired of trying to keep a relationship with my mom, when all she does is ignore me. When I ask about her day, she just avoids any real conversation and goes straight to something between these lines "I'm the same as always, what do you need because I don't have anything to offer"
She doesn't share anything personal with me and she just pushes me apart. Maybe because of the terrible relationship she has with my sister. She used every secret she knew about my mom to expose her.
My mom she thinks we are in good terms, but she refuses to help me because I am a grown up and I should handle all my problems. When I go to her, she wants me to solve things with my therapist and she doesn't want me to move with her, or help me break up with my boyfriend because she says being a single mother would be the worst. All her advice is that I should be with him no matter what, because we have a good relationship with the normal things everyone goes through, and that is not a reason to leave.
My mom is fake. She acts like she cares about us, but all she cares is about her own. My mom still says that my sister is a liar and a sociopath, but keeps a fake friendship with her for convenience.
My dad is angry all the time, and used to take it out on me when I talked to him so I stopped. He is depressed because he lost his own business and didn't have a retirement and would be practically homeless if it wasn't for my mom who is the one who supports him, they are not together but they have to because of necessities, and of course he is the reason why she can't have me at her house, my brothers they don't work and everyone depends on her.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2019): I am in same situation as you minus the kids and I didn't have anyone to turn too because I fell out with family but swallowed my pride and went home. now I do miss him and want to go back because I tried dating again and met a man who was even more controlling and abusive than my ex. I am at present stuck at a crossroads not knowing which way to go
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2019): It seems this relationship has always been toxic; but you wanted it so badly you've become estranged or separated from your family, and thus you've isolated yourself. Just you and that...guy! Now add kids to the mix! You took his jealousy and possessiveness to mean he loves you. No, that's ownership! They gain control by pulling you away from your family.
Usually, young-women who are totally dependent on some guy; claim they have no-one else, and no family. Almost 99% of the time that is false; and I suspect that it's not true in this case. It means they/you left them behind! You have unresolved disagreements and unsettled resentments. Being so young and inexperienced, you ventured out into the world too soon! Without any survival-skills! Expecting him to take care of you! Anything anyone warned you about him, you weren't hearing it; and you'll prove them wrong! "Cuz he loves me!"
It's usually due to pride and/or rebellion. At this stage, you don't want to admit to anyone that the guy you abandoned, snubbed, and pushed everyone away for; is a loser and treats you badly. You now have kids, and you fear moving in with family will bring house-rules or restrictions you don't want to live-by. Meanwhile, you want to maintain access to him! Even if you leave him. A common fear is when someone takes you in, they will seriously discourage contact with your ex; and deny you access to him. You'll try to cling to him through baby-mama drama. Go nuts on the idea he's seeing other women. Worst case scenario, become obsessed with getting him back!
All you need from him is the support-check for his kids! No amount of work on your part is going to change him. Write him off as a mistake; but turn it into a life-lesson. One you'll get-over, but the kids are the blessing that came from it all. They love you unconditionally! You love them with all your soul!
It was quite lovely of Honey Pie to offer you suggestions on where to seek help. You still have to rebuild bridges, and you need family. I've been around the block a few times; and rarely will you find someone as young as you who has no family. Not one person who would offer you help in such a dire time of need. They may not be family-TV quality people; but they're your flesh and blood. Your stubborn-pride and lack of any real justification for pushing them away is what you don't want to deal with. You've burned all your bridges? Rebuild them!
You are at that age when you don't want to be judged or criticized. Like so many young people; who make a mountain of mistakes, and won't learn anything. They'll refuse advice, and keep on piling-up their failures; until they are utterly destroyed. I know hearing mom, dad, or your siblings all saying a chorus of " I told you so's!" crushes the pride. Even if they've pushed you to stay with him; you now have the ammunition to shoot holes in all their bad-advice! If they like him so much, he can be their boyfriend!
We learn from others, and have to reach-out to the people bound to us by our DNA. If we don't have good family-relationships, you've got to start somewhere to rebuild them. Just like groveling on your hands and knees and kissing-ass to keep a no-count piece-of-dirt of a boyfriend. There never seems to be any reason not to go that route! Going to any length to hang-on to some guy, but family isn't worth as much trouble???
You probably have lost touched, but there's always Facebook. Talking to family gives you a sense you're still grounded. He's not all that there is in your life. Your kids are everything; but even they need to know their origins and family-heritage. In your process of moving forward; don't forget to call home, sweetheart. Unless you are a 100% certified orphan found in a pumpkin patch; you won't convince us there isn't a cousin, uncle, aunt, or a grandparent who wouldn't be glad to see you. If everyone related to you hates you; then that says something about you, not just them. There is no such thing as a family that every single living-member is rotten to the core. Not one! Then why aren't you rotten too?
Usually, there's some horror backstory about family; and your boyfriend was probably your way out. He became the center of your universe; and you had kids thinking that would secure the relationship. You don't recognize marriage by a ring. It's filing for a marriage-license, exchanging vows before witnesses and an official. Legalizing your union to be documented on public record. Rings are optional!
Kids no longer do that, because men no longer have the sense of obligation to financially-support their kids; unless they are legally compelled to do so. Living with a man in a faux-marriage, and pretending to be a "wifey" is certainly the modern-way; but it's as loosey-goosey and flimsy as a paper-suit in a downpour! A kid before marriage doesn't make sense; unless you are ready and able to financially support and provide for you and your babies with, or without him.
You have to do things methodically. Don't just up and find yourself homeless with kids. Don't give him reason to challenge you for them. Start reconnecting with your family. I didn't say ask them for anything, I said reconnect! Try and slowly workout your old disagreements. You need moral-support; or you'll just tag onto the next guy who strolls your way. You live in the United States; so you're not totally oblivious of where to find help. Through social services! If you can start seeking a part-time job now; you'll get yourself back into the workforce. You may need relatives to babysit. You need to reacquaint yourself with your independence; and not be dependent on men to provide for you.
You may not have an ideal-family; but you're too young to be out there struggling all by yourself, with no relatives and support-systems to anchor you. If you've burned bridges, you better have had damned good reasons; because it comes back to revisit you every-time. You will never live a lifetime without being judged, criticized, hurt, or corrected by people. If you don't like your parents for their rules, look how life turns-out when you don't have a clue what to do for never listening to them.
I'm offering the tough advice your mom and dad should have given you, with love!
Only use capital letters before proper nouns, names, or following punctuation. Not random words in the middle of sentences. We here often use all capitals; when conveying inflection, or emphasizing a point. We still pay attention to grammar and punctuation!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2019): Thank you so much, Honeypie.
I know I still have to leave, but this time I just couldn't leave, I still love him a lot. I talked to him about all of the things that have happened and he got really angry accusing me of cheating with my friend's brother, which is false. But he was convinced of his assumptions. We had a huge argument and he ended up crying, he said that he was so jealous of the attention I get from males that he did this as a plan to make me feel what he feels. could it be plan to make me jealous? Maybe. I am not sure. I don't trust him that much anymore.
But in the meantime I will be saving up and looking for help. I put my children first before all of my decisions. Thank you so much for the links and your advice, you're an angel !! thank you so much.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 October 2019):
 You need to find a way to walk away with the kid. Sooner rather than later.
In the meantime TRY and avoid getting caught up in his AND your own insecurities. Stop checking his phone, you already know he is a POS(piece of poop) BF so no need to check up on him on the phone. Stop putting so much into seeing what he "likes" on Facebook and social media, it' really DOESN'T matter IF you are serious about ending the relationship. And if HE starts with accusing you of cheating or anything like that, I'd just say that you are trustworthy and he can take it or leave it.
If you aren't working, You need to get a job so you can save up, and provide for your kid(s). The sooner the better.
Do you have no family or friends who would be willing to help you out get on your feet? Because IF you do, NOW is the time to get your ducks in a row, make SURE you have ALL important documents for you and your kid(s) (birth certificate, W2's, bank statements EVERYTHING with your name on it) KEEP those safe.
Since you say you have no one, YOU need to PREPARE an exit strategy. That would include SAVING up money, checking out HUD housing if you make very little or have no job etc. YOU are a young single mother so you HAVE options that can help you get on your feet.
Your parents might want your kid(s) to have two parents but THEY are not the one dating this guy or living with him. YOU have to find a way to get out and do what is BEST LONG-TERM for YOU and the kid(s)
AND make 100% sure you are on a RELIABLE birth-control + condoms. If you are still having sex with him. NO more babies. They can't fix your relationship. And obviously, neither can you and he.
As for the friend who is going on a trip... IT IS OK to be envious that SHE gets to go on a trip! Who wouldn't LOVE a vacation?! So don't make a big deal out of that, even if he is trying to create drama, just be honest with her.
Figure out what is AVAILABLE in your city/state for a single mother and GET help that way. This may vary from state to state. I would start with Housing and a job.
https://www.usa.gov/unemployment
https://www.verywellfamily.com/housing-assistance-programs-for-single-mothers-2997420
https://www.covenanthouse.org/homeless-youth-programs/mother-child-teenage-pregnancy-help
https://singlemothers.us/housing-assistance-for-single-mothers/
These link might get you started, the REST is up to you. Look to the future - YOUR future and take steps to MOVE forward and IMPROVE your life for you and the kid(s).
THAT should be your primary goal, no him, not what he does or think or says.
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