A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I know I’m going down the wrong path but I can’t find the strength to stop it. I had an affair that was on/off for 10 months with a former colleague. We were both married. I ended it both times it stopped. The second time I went as far as getting a new job. And we live far away from each other so there was never an expectation of rekindling anything. He reached out over LinkedIn about a week after my last day to wish me a happy birthday. I don’t even remember if I responded. About two + months after that, he reached out again. While I started off being polite but terse, the conversation just snowballed. He said he wanted to meet up when he was in town if I was comfortable with it. I stupidly agreed thinking maybe some closure would be good and I was feeling pretty strong after having been the one to walk away. Well 4 months after I ran out the door, We met for lunch and it was fine. I know the feelings are still there on both sides - we’ve been pretty upfront about that - but we agree that’s the past. We say we both want to be friends - and a part of me believes that. I literally love talking to this man and would be happy just talking to him. But I know this is stupid. It can’t go anywhere good ever ... I know i love him but I know neither of us are leaving our current situations. Now, he’s right back into old habits texting all the time, pining over me, etc. I wish I could understand what he’s thinking more - why do this? Why keep in touch? What does he expect to happen? How is this going to work? We probably won’t see each other for at least another 3-4 months if not longer. Even though it would be easy to say it’s about the sex, even if I caved it’d literally be sec like 3x/year... I want to shut the door for all the right reasons, but I just can’t find the strength and I think it’s because I believe he loves me too ...
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2019): Oh, will people just cut-it-out with this "I just can't help myself" excuse!!!
You're an intelligent-adult with a functioning-brain; and hopefully you have values, and a conscience. You know right from wrong, and sugar from shinola! By the way, do you recall the fact that you're also married? Then there's this other thing you have to contend with. He's married too! This ain't a soap opera or a dramatic-series on TV! It's reality!
Get a grip, girlfriend!!!
It's all about hormones, smelly sweat, and doing the nasty! It has no meaning, it has no justification, and you're heading for a divorce that could leave you without a husband! Probably that, or anything else of any value. All relationships and marriages have a lull or hit rocky road. You work on them, or end them. You don't go seek replacements!
You claim you left a job and all that? He just kept at it?!! Hello...what about that guy living in your house, and in the bed sleeping next to you? I think he still thinks he's your husband! Somebody should talk to him about that!
Your fling is just thinking with his dick. Any random unfamiliar-vagina could replace yours at any given time. He's cheating; so don't expect any loyalty left in him for you. He's married to that lady still living in [his] house. He just tossed her aside like a red-headed stepchild; with the measles, and six toes on each foot! She has totally lost her resale-value! Why not just ditch your wife, and go screw some other guy's wife? That's the ticket! What a novel idea!
Infidelity puts the ball in hubby's court; and all your demands during the settlement phase of divorce will look pretty trivial. God forbid there be any kids in all this mess! Throw-in a battle over child-custody; include a world of vengeance, betrayal, and bitterness. I've witnessed this kind of mess in real-life. Whew! It gets horrendous!!!
I know you think I'v got a lot of nerve to be so judgy! No my dear, my response isn't just a bunch of venerable old-fashioned preaching; it's provocative thought-inducing hardlove! I've got to snap you out of it!
You are of the human-race, or human species. You control your hormones and your body by intelligent-thought, not raw-instinct. Urges and wild impulses don't control you!
How well has the excuse "I couldn't help it!" kept criminals out of jail? Shouldn't it be adequence defense? Why should they still get thrown in jail? It's weakness. We all have weaknesses. Don't we?
Why do people get divorced over cheating? Shouldn't it be understood that they just couldn't help it??? Afterall, vows are just words. You meant them when you said them at your wedding. They've lost their meaning...because we just can't help ourselves! Therefore, it's okay!
If you were 16 or 18, we could rule-out better-judgement and common-sense. You've got too much to lose, and all sorts of poop will hit the fan; should your husband catch both of you. It's not that you can't help yourself...you're enjoying the intrigue and the cheating way too much! The forbidden-fruit is far too sweet, and you like this!
Well, keep it up until you face the consequences!
If he won't stop; then go pay his wife a visit, and tell her all about it. It's not like you care about her feelings. You'll get him kicked-out; and then he's all yours! But, what will we do about your husband? There's that nagging question in the back of your mind! Does he deserve this? Even if he's a terrible husband, what made you keep him just to do this? Seems things are happening in the wrong order! Get rid of the husband and wife first! Then do all the nasty you want! Others have feelings that have to be taken into consideration besides your genitals!
There's no love. Gimme a break! It's all about pleasing your greedy genitals! They're just too happy to stop the madness! Oh, at some point you'll slip. All hell will break loose! Hearts will be broken, and marriages will be destroyed. The inevitable end!
As ugly as it seems, it's meant to help!
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (27 October 2019):
 Usually an affair ends when someone (usually a betrayed spouse) gathers enough evidence, and then emails it to the affair partners spouse his family, his work, his social media contacts. Your husband will do this to you. His wife will do this to him. It's just a matter of which one finds out first.
ost affair participants think they are much better at hiding than they really are.
Usually after the exposure event (usually called Discovery Day) the wayward spouses quickly Dump their affair partners and promise to do everything to salvage their marriage. After a year or 2 of trying to prove to their betrayed spouses that they really are worth keeping, the betrayed spouse realizes that the affair ruined the most valuable thing in their life and they really can't stand being with the person who caused it.
That's your most likely future. And, honestly, you might as well enjoy the affair, . . . . . and the next one.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (26 October 2019):
 Can you imagine asking your husband if he is ok with this "friendship"? I bet you can't, just as your lover wouldn't ask his wife. Can you imagine if you DID ask them, what their reaction would be? Can you image how they would feel? What if the situation was reversed and it was your husband having the affair, how would YOU feel?
Stop trying to kid yourself that you are not cheating just because you are not currently having sex. You are both removing attention and energy from your respective marriages. THAT is cheating. You both know, given the chance, you WILL have sex again.
Being in a relationship does not make us immune to the attraction of others but how we handle that attraction defines our morals. You made marriage vows to your husband, just as your lover did to his wife. Do the thoughts of those vows not give you strength to end this affair? If not, then it makes a mockery of your vows and puts into question why you are staying married.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 October 2019):
 BLOCK, DELETE and REMOVE all ways for him to contact you.
IF he going through a place like LinkedIn, don't read the massage just DELETE it.
And TELL him, this has to stop. I want NO further contact.
And perhaps you need to consider telling your spouse so you can TAKE some responsibility for you actions. Do you really think what you are doing is OK? Chances are it will come out one way or another.
You are MORE focused on him that your spouse and your marriage... why?
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