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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: It will soon have been a year since I met my boyfriend and almost a year since we started dating. We have our differences of course, like any other people, and it can lead to arguments at times. But generally I'm very happy with him. We're having a great time together, we have similar views on important things, I love his sense of humour, and I love him in general. We've said these words, I love you, to each other, too.Now to my problem. I'm more of a sensitive type, very PC, and very outspoken when it comes to my feminist views. He, while in general sharing my views, is one of those 'can joke about anything' types. He can say some pretty shocking things and has a reputation for it. He also had a very rough childhood and youth, which led to him having a way thicker skin (I'm way less cynical), and at times he can be pretty insensitive because of it, and also immature(he's in his 30s).I know that I can be way too sensitive, I'm a neurotic, and I'm trying to work on it. But I've recently realised that my reactions to things are damaging to our relationship. I can openly cry because of things and I get upset with my boyfriend or angry a lot. We make up almost immediately, and still manage to have a good time afterwards, but still. In the beginning of the relationship he asked me to call him out if he does or says something that is not ok, because he'd been alone for a while, and hid behind his sarcasm from the world. And today during a conversation he told me that he's afraid of my reactions and a lot of times even though he loves me he feels like he's in a metaphorical prison and has to watch himself, what he says, all the time. Obviously it must feel pretty bad for him.I realised what I'd been doing and it terrified me, I never wanted to make him feel bad. But I don't know how to fix it, I'll try to watch my reactions and work on being less sensitive about things, but the damage is done, this is the way he percepts me now, someone who always complains or cries or is sad.Is there a way I can make him see me for my other qualities and not as a nagging crying type? I help him a lot with his problems with housing and work, and generally take care of him, but I feel like the negative is always more memorable, and a year is a long time to leave a permanent impression.And most importantly how do I learn to react less strongly? For now I'm doing the thing when I'm counting to ten in my head and then trying to reason with myself before I say anything. But still a lot of time I feel like he's wrong for doing something and I need to confront him. I talked to a very close friend of ours who knows us both very well, and she said that we both have issues: he can be a jerk, and I can react too strongly.I don't want this relationship to end because of it,i really love this guy. Plus i feel like it'll do me good to work on that character flaw of mine. So I'll be very grateful for any advice.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (19 October 2016):
 He is who he is, and so are you. You both clash. You are a sensitive type and well he is not. Yes he probably does feel like he is walking around on eggshells when he is with you because he does not know how you are going to be, but this his partly his fault as well.
You both just need to learn to think more about each others feelings and try and work harder. Counting to ten might not help, try removing yourself from the situation and take a minute to yourself. Also remember it is okay to laugh at yourself, it can be quite healthy. Ask him as well to watch what he says to you that could hurt you.
A
female
reader, singinbluebird  +, writes (17 October 2016):
 Hes not going to change.
I can say chill out and relax, laugh a little and have a good time but Im not sure if thats advice youre seeking. Look honey, men are men. Women are women, there are differences and they make us stronger and more unified together. I guess the deeper question here is why are you with a person with a thicker skin w/ objectible humor and views when youre highly sensitive and feminist? I wonder if him being the opposite is what makes you attracted to him. Be cool and relax and laugh, but if he oversteps your boundary, tell him so. But if youre being neurotic and crying over every little thing he says, to the point the has openly said hes walking on egg shells around you----it isnt going to work out. So cut your losses and leave the guy. Or FOCUS on handling things better. You just said nothing gets to him, so try to put that thinking style into your head. RELAX and laugh it off, smile, just realize nothing he says is directed at you, hes not seeking to offend. he just says what he says because its who he is.
If you cant accept it, walk away. Dont be the type of woman that tries to change their man, hes in his 30s, hes past changing. Its okay to set boundaries, but men and women are not attracted to cry babies.
I remember dates where I had a excellent time with a guy but he said off color things or had a rigid view on life or he may just be laughing about something in a offensive matter or much like your BF, had thick skin and said things that made me look twice. They were good men but I know who I am and what I can put up with. I chose to not see them again, not because I disliked them but because I knew if I could not accept them as they are, I wasnt the right girl for them and I left. Easy as cake.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (17 October 2016):
 I've had this issue before too! I'm also a sensitive type ;) http://www.dearcupid.org/question/he-makes-un-pc-jokes--do-i.html
IF you're able to predict what types of jokes or actions he does will upset you, it may be helpful for you to tell him about the couple of topics that are no-no's for either of you. If it is many different topics, though, I get his thing about walking on eggshells. You two may not be compatible if these are major personality characteristics of yours. Didn't work out for me, but there's about 100 reasons why that is.
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