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female
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anonymous
writes:Hi, sorry this would be a bit long, but am in a confusing situiation and I was wondering if u could help...well am turning 23, and about 10 days ago I went out to a small school reunion and there was this guy from school whom I didnt know at school time, we had a small talk and exchanged numbers I felt he was really sweet and all that. Then ever since he talks daily for long time and we chat all day long and he sms's me even after a long phone call to say how happy he is...all this is fine except that I feel that he's treating me as if am his girl! he's perfect except for one thing that is a turn off for me, which is that he's still not done with uni, he has a year left to go! bcos his dad forced him into engineering when he wanted computer science so he repeated the 1st 2 years hoping he could transfere to CS, anyways I've graduated 2 years ago, so the kind of a guy I want is someone already grownup, working and older than me...this guy is so sweet so nice and all perfect but not the one! I mean I want someone who'd treat me the way he does, who'd actually care about me, and talk nice to me, but not him!Is there a nice way to let him down? I'd like to keep him as a friend cos we've got a lot in common and I think that's what made him like me cos the more we talk the more we find common things like we've the same care, live in the same area, same birth day but not month he's older than me by 7 months...anyways 2day I tried this thing, when he called in the morn. I didnt pick up nor called back then I found 3 msgs from him wonderin where I am, if am upset from him and if am ok! so this made him worried and it made me look like a bad person! I called him and he was like dont do this again and nicely asking me not do make him worried about me again and all that!What should I do?!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionalright! thnx a lot :)I`ll talk to him ASAP..
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (6 August 2007):
 Trust me on this one, dear: By letting him know early and clearly what he can expect from you, you'll be showing him the greatest respect possible. I was in his situation; I'll be damned if I don't know what I'm talking about.
Believe me: if you don't go this way, he will end up hating you. And you will hate him. The moment will come when you two will be very bitter about each other. He will blame you, very correctly, that you should have told him; and you will blame him of stalking.
Trust me: do the right thing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthnx a lot for ur reply....but this is just too harsh I'd hate to put him in this situation & I'd hate to be the one doing this :S
specially that he's a really nice guy who's done me no harm...
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male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (6 August 2007):
I've been there, in the nice guy situation, and I can tell you what to do.
First, pay attention to Polly Russell-Furse's advice. This is solid, and I want to commend her on her views.
Why do you not find him a good option for love?
I see that the man is treating you like his girl, simply because he feels that the long time you spend with him, the messages, the calls, everything, this you wouldn't be doing if you didn't have an interest in him, as well. I'm sure he's a hell of a lot interested in you. He has fallen big time.
There is no easy way out of this.
First, think very carefully what you really want. I'm afraid that, deep down, you don't want this guy; you like his personality, et cetera, but you just don't want him. The right thing to do is tell him.
Second, you can forget about keeping him as a friend. Maybe you could keep him, but, after a long and very difficult processs. I seriously doubt you will be able to keep him as a friend. His feelings will not go away easily and your offer of friendship will be like a slap on his face, or snubbing his love. Because friendship is a wonderful category, but love is even better; and he is offering you everything he is. He will feel this as the ultimate in rejection.
He will have a hell of a lot of trouble letting go. The more mixed messages you send, the worse it is going to be for him and for you. You need to deal with this right away and heads on.
Don't ever, ever resort to making yourself "unavailable" or "busy", as he will not take this hint and you will prolong his agony and yours, too. Don't resort to finding imaginary faults in him, as he will work extremely hard to "improve" and be up to your level.
Meet with him, in person, in a place where he won't be embarrassed if he cries (he will), and tell him you understand he loves you but you don't. Make it clear that you don't reject HIM; you just don't love him as a man. Make sure he gets this point across very well.
Tell him that you'll be there if he needs talking, but make it sure he very well understands that the love thing is impossible.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell I dont mean to send mixed msgs...but I think he's perfect too perfect for me thou character & personality wise, but that's just it...other things about him like the face that he's still at uni & that he's same age as my self is a turn off...cos I need someone more mature & more experienced than my self...
this guy seems so into me & is moving too fast, am still getting over my past bad experiences & definately the last thing I need is someone to use as a rebound cos it wont be fair to him, cos sooner or later it's a dead end, as the way I c it maybe am wrong but my parents would never approve such thing so why the heart ache?!
Also I cant all of a sudden go tell him "hey we'r only frnds dont get high hopes" cos the typical reply of any boy would be "who told u we'r more than frnds u got me wrong" so I dont want to make fun of myself, & I dont want to lose his friendship too...
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell I dont mean to send mixed msgs...but I think he's perfect too perfect for me thou character and personality wise, but that's just it...other things about him like the face that he's still at uni and that he's same age as my self is a turn off...cos I need someone more mature and more experienced than my self...this guy seems so into me and is moving too fast, am still getting over my past bad experiences and definately the last thing I need is someone to use as a rebound cos it wont be fair to him, cos sooner or later it's a dead end, as the way I c it maybe am wrong but my parents would never approve such thing so why the heart ache?!Also I cant all of a sudden go tell him "hey we'r only frnds dont get high hopes" cos the typical reply of any boy would be "who told u we'r more than frnds u got me wrong" so I dont want to make fun of myself, and I dont want to lose his friendship too...
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