A
female
age
30-35,
*ssentiallyMe
writes:I found out that my boyfriend had a porn addiction in the past after I had fallen in love with him and been with him for over a year. I couldn't stand it and we fought and he did it a lot less. He only got "sucked in" because he got them in his email and it enticed him. Well, after a long falling out, he didn't do it at all for a while. The day after Valentine's day, and after the best week of our relationship he was at a friends and took one of his porno DVDs. So he sought it out and knew what he was doing the entire time up until he popped it in and I walked in on it. I don't know how to deal with this. Some may say I should just accept it, others may suggest I break up with him. I don't want to do either; where's my medium? I just can't stand him looking at that stuff, I've honestly tried to understand by asking questions but I just can't. I want him to just stop.
View related questions:
porn Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, wildman +, writes (28 February 2008):
 If you really love him maybe you could be oversexed for a while to cure him, get his mind off anything but you. It seems so hard to me to get women to go along. I never will understand why it has to be so complicated just having a very good sexual relationship. I don't think porn is that big of a deal either way.I know I would rather have real sex with my wife, but porn is just easier than figuring women out sometimes. It doesn't seem like anything you do is right at least from my perspective.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2008): Do you watch romantic movies, read those trashy novels for women that are nowadays borderline porn? Do you follow male stars lives?
If you are absolutly 100% sure that you NEVER used any kind of outside stimulant to get in the mood, then you can talk. Else you just fap to different material.
A lot of men watch porn and a lot of women have some kind of hangup about it. Check Harleguin Enterprises. They sell MILLIONS of their books and a fair amount of them get pretty graphic.
Would you watch ER as religiously if Clooney wasn't such a hunk?
I have a very simply deal with my partner, I destroy my porn collection when she stops drooling over the latest hollywood dream guy.
...............................
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (21 February 2008):
 You are a reasonable ,sane and rational individual. Thanks for your update.
...............................
A
female
reader, EssentiallyMe +, writes (20 February 2008):
EssentiallyMe is verified as being by the original poster of the question I haven't demanded anything, I can't. I wont ask him not to do it... that doesn't work. Everything he's doing, he's doing on his own will. I have expressed how I feel about it all and that's it! His decisions are his own to make. And he told me that he is a much happier person when he's not doing that stuff. And he like that I'm happy with him too. THOSE are the basis of his decisions, not any threats from me.
...............................
A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (20 February 2008):
You cannot expect people to turn 180 degrees.
Sorry , sentence was incomplete.
Should be...
You cannot expect people to turn 180 degrees in a jiffy .If he made some 10% or 20% changes, that is good enough. He is changing and the wheel of motion is moving...
...............................
A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (20 February 2008):
There will always be conflicts in relationships.
It is a matter of solving them in a rational and matured way. It is unavoidable and it can strengthened the bonds.
You do not judge and act like God and demand everything your way. Only childish, irrational and immature people do that.
You need to listen to their opinions and give them a chance to change . You don't simply go for their jugulars and throw them to the wolves .What kind of love is that?
You love them and you want them to be good . It takes time to adjust and change.You cannot expect people to turn 180 degrees.
...............................
A
female
reader, EssentiallyMe +, writes (20 February 2008):
EssentiallyMe is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, we talked last night for the first time since that happened, it's been like 2-3 days. He told me he's sorry, he doesn't know whats wrong with him and that he can now promise that as long as we are together, if we are together... that he will never deliberately seek that stuff out again. he said he thinks he needed to get caught, he really didn't even have the door locked or anything. He said he couldn't stand that hurt look on my face and that he will NEVER forget that look. I didn't ask him to promise me this, I have in the past but I didn't this time, I won't. And I'm not saying I really believe it yet either... That trust will have to be earned back. But this is where we are :/ Idk how long it will be before I cant stand to make love with him again lol but I do love him so......
...............................
A
female
reader, O Connor  +, writes (19 February 2008):
 porn is something that girls will never 100% grasp as much as men do!! wen you say he has/had an addiction, how much does he look at it? i mean since he has been with you? you need to be rational and understand that you cant ask him to just stop altogether, it just doesnt happen that way. have you tried getting involved? ie watching it with him, trying new things in the bedroom etc? this way you can both enjoy the benefits of it. i think you need to define wat exactly an addiction is, and wat a normal male liking is, where is the line drawn?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2008): hii think that everybody needs something different every now n again. its important to not get bored in a relationship. You need to give him his own time as well as you need to keep your time, otherwise you will just get stressed with each other and break up. I am no relationship expert just have got bit of experience when it comes to things like that.hope you get it sortedfrank
...............................
A
male
reader, Dazzerg  +, writes (19 February 2008):
 I wish I could say there was a happy medium but i'm not sure on this one because you are totally opposed to it and she still does it. You have to decide if this is deal-breaker for you. On the plus side it seems he is not addicted anymore because he can do without it, on the negative he still did it despite knowing full well how you felt.
I think ultimately what you do is up to you, either this is a deal breaker or it isnt and you are willing to compromise. Alot of people may well say either or but which way you go on this one can only be down to you because deep down you are the only one knows if you are willing to compromise or if your not; neither one is particularly right or wrong. If you want to go down the compromise route then you will consider maybe restricting his viewing of it to social occasions ie, when he is with his mates or you may even want to prohibit it where you live but not at a mates place. The art of compromise is give and take and it boils down to how much you are willing to give. Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (19 February 2008):
You need to be reasonable. You cannot just say stop .Period!
You need to understand he has needs too even if you don't agree.
What if you reversed the scenario and he tells you to stop your girlie things you do ,like going to the hair dresser or buying clothes,accessories, or anything he simply dislikes.
How would you feel?
You need to live and let live.There should be a compromise . You cannot simply issue an ultimatum and asked him to take it or leave it.
...............................
|
