A
male
age
,
*harles the Lost
writes:I’m a confused man age 47 and in the military. I’ve been married 21 years and dated my wife for six years before our marriage. I was scared of marriage when I dated her, but when she became pregnant I knew it was time. Our marriage started off great. We were broke, but she literally glowed as a mom and I thought we’d be happy forever. Things started to change however after about 4 or 5 years I’m not really sure when. We argued more and she started going back to school. Michelle Langley (author of Women's Infidelity) there’s usually a “fear” trigger. It might have been when her doctor diagnosed her with a SDT (I forget the name it’s the really mild common college kind). I haven’t cheated and told her that. I said it might have been a flair up from the past. Silly male me I then let the topic drop. (When dating I caught her cheating and to her credit she admitting cheating a few other times). Later when my job moved me to another state she chose not to move with me. She argued that she wanted stability for the boys (two boys) and that she didn’t like the place I was moving too. Later she admitted she just wanted to finish her degree. I now suspect she was thinking about separating 11 years ago. Anyway, I now suspect her of having an affair with a co-worker who she’s been going out to clubs with and who’s influenced her music tastes. I’ve never caught them in any kind of compromising situation (other than together in clubs), but I’m three states and 14 hours away from home working and really never could. However, when I returned from a deployment from Kuwait she absolutely refused to have sex (btw It’s going on 3 years with no sex so it would be nice.) She refused to touch me and if I mentioned she looked good as she prepared for work she accused me of just wanting to control her. My boys were present when that happened and were shocked by her behavior. They got after her defending me and then she became upset at me because I didn’t defend her. She’s mentioned divorce twice. But, I don’t think she’ll ever actually divorce me. I think she’s trying to drive me into divorcing her. I’m not sure anymore. And if she is cheating I’m not sure I’m willing to take her back. I still love her, and still honor our marriage even though there’s no love in it anymore. She had a track record of cheating even when I dated her for six years to include once when we were engaged. I thought we worked through all that, but I guess I’m just a big sucker. She’s really a sweet loving person. Just not dependable . . . (shrug).So what should I do? Attempt to catch her cheating so she finally confronts the facts with me? Just divorce her and ignore the cheating as if it never happened? If I do that is she going to take me to the bank? She’s accused me of emotional abuse, but I’m thinking I’m the victim in all this. It’s really confusing. Is there a good way to divorce so she doesn’t try to crush me? I’d like a nice smooth glide path out of this mess. I’d like it to be best for the boys who are now 19 and 21 and for her mom and dad who I just adore. Please give me your thoughts and advice. Thanks
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affair, co-worker, crush, divorce, emotionally abusive, engaged, infidelity, military Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2008): OK...you wanted a reply so here it is. sorry so long.for starters, you married for all of the wrong reasons...because she was pregnant. The children are now grown so what's your reason for staying? Again here, I'm not telling you to leave your wife or to cheat on your wife; but, let's step outside the box a lil bit. She's cheated on you the entire relationship. She sounds like a promiscuous woman. I'm not saying that in a bad way. Some of us are just like that so no matter what you try we will still seek others. Mostly out of boredom. I can speak from both angles because I was like your wife and my husband was like you. he was boring and unwilling to try anything different with me. Walks on the beach, forget about it. bowling, skating, jogging, triple forget about it. So what do we do, go out to eat, a movie here or there. BORING...Women NEED excitement. You travel alot which leaves her alone, bored with nothing to fall on. She's found a way to entertain herself. It's just unfortunate that it's with an affair. I'm not defending her actions I'm only explaining them.Don't give up on her though. I don't think she means to be that way, I think she just wants you and stability and by you traveling she's not getting either. Again, women are strange creatures and we tend to not open up to the right person/people sometimes. If you change up your look when you see her for thanksgiving, add the cologne to your wardrobe and don't make a big issue out of it. You'll be a hit. Hmm! if you could have someone, anyone particularly one of your MALE friends call you during your visit, then excuse yourself from her presence, mumble a few words to your friend about some plans for the next week, then return to the scene. She'll pay BIG attention to that. she'll automatically assume that you are guilty of something simply because she's guilty herself. That's such an old trick to see if she's really cheating or not. But to answer your question. If you want a divorce, then it might be best to let the marriage fizzle out. According to you, it's already on it's way. She'll either fall out of love with you and you out of love with her OR the two of you will come around. That will be the smoothest way to get a divorce-the longest-but the smoothest. In the meantime, work on YOU. take a good look in the mirror. Ask a female for an opinion of what you can do to spice yourself up. OR you can always ask the guys at the barber shop w/o going into details. Just tell them that you are looking for a new look and ask what's new. A lot of good stuff can come from the barber shop. walk into some stores and leave your cards at home and try on some things. take a female cousin with you or ask the female sales person for an opinion of the latest style. Concentrate on you. I personally took my husband to JosABank and changed his entire look and he loves it. He was reluctant at first but after receiving soooooo many compliments he's now addicted to that place. LOL! good luck.
A
male
reader, Charles the Lost +, writes (2 November 2008):
Charles the Lost is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, I had a long productive talk on the phone with her. It was her birthday and so I called to wish her a happy birthday. She then wrote me a long email about what love is. Basically in it she stated that . . . well I'm going to paste the whole thing; sorry if it's long, but she makes some valid points and I admit I wasn't very good at just sitting down and talking/listening and my being opinionated could be viewed as not taking her thoughts seriously so yes I screwed up. However I don't think she's owning up to her side of the deal, plus this could all be her attempt to justify her lack of feelings for me. Please take the time to read this and let me know what you think. I would really appreciate an objective analysis. I'm trying to be honest and not paint the situation in my favor. Here it is:
///start email/// Hey thanks for the birthday call and present on the way. That was very nice. I just sat down and wrote up some things I feel need to be discussed. Hope you can understand. So here it is...
Things you do when you love someone
Falling inlove happens when you find someone who behaves in a respectful way- they are fun, and kind and considerate of you and other people around them- listening to others/considerate/patient/non-abrasive when sharing/strong enough to be silent at appropriate times/can share their thoughts without dominating or demeaning others/speaks up for others/speaks up when appropriate and often for the benefit of others/
1. When you love
a. You really listen
b. Your actions demonstrate that you have listened and that you are willing to really "love" others around you by giving something of yourself (time, ability, conversation, things like that…) that they have expressed a need for (…rather than giving something you want to give or have need to give…and therefore have decided by yourself that it's the right gift)(just because a person gives something, doesn't mean they have given out of true love)
c. You offer a sincere apology when your actions have caused someone you love pain
2. Your actions demonstrate your level of real commitment to a relationship
a. Words mean little to nothing
b. Action/behavior mean everything
c. How you act around family shouldn't differ from the way you act around friends or strangers
d. You are supportive in matters that your loved ones have demonstrated an interest in. (rather than pushing your own agenda- you hear what your loved ones are interested in and you give them support in that endeavor)
e. You offer advice carefully and perhaps only when it is requested from you (again it's a matter of knowing your loved ones and understanding their needs and being a strong enough person to hand over the reins when appropriate- so to speak)
f. You don't pretend things are terrific when in reality there are unresolved problems
3. When there are misunderstandings/conflicts between loved ones, they cannot be expected to dissolve in thin air with the passing of time. They must be addressed honestly. And if they are never addressed, they cannot be expected to have dissolved.
It's easy to asses when someone puts their own needs first (which indicates no real love for anyone other than their self). They always tell you what they are going to do for you rather than asking what can they do. And when they do ask, they don't listen. (Most of the time, they already know what they can do, but they don't want to do it.) They don't consider what they can do for you, only what you can do for them.
I think maybe some people don't know how to really love others. …for whatever reason.. nature/nurture? So they have to learn how, if they really care to learn. If they don't, then perhaps this is a good indicator that they are happier being alone or just the way they are- take it or leave it sort of attitude.
I'm writing this to try and get through to you what I do not find in our relationship. We never talk about it. Anymore than when I say, well, we have some problems that still need to be resolved… and then there is silence… for months.. ….period… silence… no discussion. Then one day oh hey this is your husband and I'm coming home for thanksgiving .. happy happy day. This is crazy. I don't understand what you are thinking. So you say you want an opportunity to make things right. In 22 years no one has ever stepped on your opportunity to make things right. It's always been there. So what are you thinking? It seems to me we really need some professional help to address our problems. We've not made any progress for years. But I'm certainly willing to try it alone, when you are. /// End email ///
She's right about me not calling much. I stopped calling when she stated that we should probably get a divorce, because I was trying to build up some emotional distance between us.
And we did do some counseling (10 years ago?) and I thought we were making progress, but for some reason we stopped.
So what do you think?
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A
female
reader, Miss Potter  +, writes (1 November 2008):
 If you dont want to end the marriage - go and see a therapist.
If you want to separate and think that she is still having an affair and think that she will try to drain you financially if you divorce - hire a private detective, its not cheap, but in the long run will save you a lot of money.
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A
male
reader, Charles the Lost +, writes (1 November 2008):
Charles the Lost is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Anon and Fade,
You're both right that I haven't made up my mind. I'm going through the entire spectrum of emotions. One day I'm going to divorce her!!! Next day maybe we can work things out. Next it's her fault, then mine, Etc. etc.
I'll admit that I'm at fault on the emotional support part. I'm very male when it comes down to listening to her problems then offering the solution as I see it and then moving on. Bad form and I know it. But, it's how I tick and it's hard to just let her discuss it in seeming circles. I can fix that part, I just need to be patient and enjoy the circles. Use Socratic method or Watsonian therapy.
I also am very opinionated (sp?) and I'm not shy about expressing my opinion. I'm not hard headed though. If you counter my point and it's good counter I reconsider and can reverse my opinion. She's just not that way. Her family are very careful about what they say, while my family is lay it out and lets debate it. I feel we need to meet in the middle on that point.
Her cutting me off and not allowing me to say "I love you," because words are cheap and I don't really mean them has got me all twisted up inside.
At times I really think she doesn't understand her feelings as well as she thinks. She feels angst at me, but all her reasons vary from day to day. I think it may be the guilt she has and she's in denial. She's thinking I forced her to cheat because I'm a jerk who emotionally abuses her. When in fact I think she hit the 4 year mark in the marriage and lost the excitement of the relationship and found it in someone else. (BTW I'll admit some guilt in that one.) However, I don't cheat I honor my vows. She could have done other things to get me to understand I'm not giving her the emotional support she needs. But, then when a woman hits that point in a relationship would it really matter what I did? (shrug)
But now the crux of my delimma: If she did in fact cheat and I'm 99% sure she did and has and is, can I forgive her? She's done it in the past while dating and I thought children would fix that, but it hasn't (at least I think it hasn't).
Right now I'm leaning on lets solve the problem of if she's actually cheating or not. A PI could answer that in maybe 3 days. Then I can move on to the am I willing to forgive her and try to keep the marriage alive, or should I bail and look for love elsewhere.
There's so many ramifications, secondary, tertuary effects, kids, me, her, parents, job, reputation, honoring a marriage vow, friends, etc. It's driving me crazy!
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