A
male
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*ild Thaing
writes:I see on this forum that an affair is defined as a relationship in which the following two things occur:1) The relationship exists unbeknownst to a partner;2) There is sex involved.In addition I see this term "emotional affair", which implies #1 but not #2.I don't see a difference between an affair with sex or without sex. For me, if a relationship requires the two people to breach the trust of another relationship then that is in affair. The sex is extraneous to the infidelity.My question: Why do people make a distinction based on the sexual act? I think that breach of trust is hurtful - period.I eagerly await your replies.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2008): There's no difference btw the 2. The pain & hurt is still the same. I found out that my husband has been having an emotional affair with his ex fiance when my son was 4mnths old. The betrayal is the same. I had to find out from my husband's ex's husband. My son is now 7mnths old and I cannot stand to be around my husband anymore. Everytime I look at him, I think about the 2 of them talking about personal details regarding their marriages. My love went out of the door as soon as his ex walked in. It hurts even more knowing that the birth of his first child is a total disregard for him!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2006): my bf of 3 years had an emotional affair, he says he was'nt, but sending emails to another women saying how hot she looks and visiting her home without my knowledge and hiding this "friendship", its kinda obvious.
that was 6 months ago, and still to this day he says that i am just paranoid. but when i asked him how he would feel if i had that sorta relationship with another male without his knowledge? he could not answer me because he knew the answer.
i think phyiscal cheating and emotional cheating are pretty equal in destroying someones self confidence, i also strongly believe that masterbating/viewing porn whilst in a relationship is a form of emotional cheating if the individual looking at porn is lying about the fact he does then its a form of cheating.
anyway thats what i think about the different forms of cheating.
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (26 July 2006):
Wild Thaing is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks Ariel and Dr. Pete. I didn't intend for this thread to become a discussion about my choices - sorry!
And thanks to all who have participated. I really appreciate your perspectives and hope that I can provide better counsel as a result.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2006): Wild Thaing it would seem to me that on the occasions when you confide in one of your friends with the intention to find a better way to resolve a problem it can only be a healthy and positive action.
If a friend can suggest something, or even to just give a different perspective that allows you to see things in a more constructive way, you can then go on to resolve the problem with your wife. That must surely be a good thing?
It wouldn't be classed as cheating because the intention of talking to the friend is for the benefit of the marriage, not for the benefit of you and your friend at the exclusion of your partner.
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (26 July 2006):
Wild Thaing is verified as being by the original poster of the question"... men don't give out there emotions that easily."
I would agree with you on that count Ariel. Men are not socialized to be as demonstrative as women are. But there are exceptions - like me. I have always been more comfortable around women than with men, which I suppose explains why I have so many female friends and so few male ones. My wife is the same way with men. Curious!
But I digress. Dr. Pete's characterization of cheating is more refined than the one I had in mind - I like it. Again, both types are hurtful in the extreme.
In my personal case, there are some (rare) times when I cannot talk to my wife about something that is bothering me about her. I sometimes deliver the message badly and we end up arguing, or I anticipate that I will deliver the message badly. So I will confide in one of my friends (usually female) to try and figure out a better way to bring up the topic with her. It's unlikely that I will tell my wife about these conversations. So, is this cheating, or am I doing something innocent?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2006): martini I agree with your solution, tis a good one.
I have a good number of close female friends and they often open up 'emotionally' to me, most far more than they do to their boyfriends.
I always stress to them that they should be saying this to their boyfriends but they rarely want to (a sign that their relationship is not working - I think)
I guess females ordinarily are quite emotionally explicit to fellow female friends, yet I guess this wouldn't even be considered as cheating, bur, if I'm a guy, it is?
Like with martini's scenario, which is a good example of some topics that come up with us, I have never considered that they are cheating on their partners by talking to me.
I think also, looking back when I've been in a relationship, I have probably felt a little jealous if I knew my girlfriend was "emotionally" close to a guy, but I certainly wouldn't consider it cheating, nor would I do any thing about their friendship. Cheating is involved when either any thing physical happens, or, they lie about the type of relationship that they have with this 'friend'. If they are secretly meeting them, talking about personal issues and such like, then they would be cheating.
I guess it depends on the people involved, but I tend to have very close friendships with guys and girls and if I were seriously accused by a partner of 'emotionally' cheating it would be over.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2006): Here's something to think about though...
History: I have a few female friends, some of which are very close to me. As with my close male friends, they vent their thoughts to me, rant, rave, ask for advice, talk about everything including some pretty disgusting things [sigh], and even cry in my presence, get hugs, etc. Some of these women don't even do that with their boyfriends/husbands - oddly yes, but understandable, as they have developed a close relationship with me. I treat them all like sisters, as my close male friends like my brothers.
Scenerio: A female friend, let's call her Mango, often have trouble with her intimate partner(s). She is insecure and has had a bad childhood. She's been dating some guy for about a year. They have a lot of fights and supposedly, a lot of passionate make-ups. In bad times, she calls me up and share her thoughts, views, and ask loads of question. In good times, she emails me about what they did, where they went, etc.
Problem: The bf has always been jealous of this, and even suspicious, which to say the least, is quite insulting for me. He thinks that she has been cheating on him with me.
Solution: Oppose to what she asked me not to do, I confronted him and told him our history together, and explained why she shares with me the stuff she does and not with him. I also told him that trust takes time, and she may eventually divert the comfort and trust over to him.
After-Thoughts: What do you all think about this then?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2006): I have recently discovered that my partner has been having secretive contact with an ex, in which he offered a shoulder to cry on becuse her own relationship had ended. This was just a prelude on her part to initiate emotional involvement that would progress to a full blown affair. He must have considered this because if it was innocent, he would have told me. Anything that involves a level of deception is cheating. And I am relieved that I found out before they had sex, but it still hurts like hell, and trust is still shattered.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2006): Hello,
In my opinion emotional cheating is just one step away from cheating sexually. I experienced this first hand. My husband had a very short emotional affair with a woman who also in my opinion was chasing him. My stand is that if you behave or say things that your partner/spouse would not approve of then that is emotional cheating. The other cheating is obvious whether it "meant nothing" or not. I can tell you that I was devastated by the emotional affair...and have lost trust even though I know that was as far as it went.
Best wishes
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (25 July 2006):
Wild Thaing is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAriel and Wendyg, thank you for your perspectives! So based on your comments, are you saying that once two people start confiding in each other, an affair has started?
So, my wife has male friends that I don't care to get to know. If she tells one of them things that she does not want to tell me at the time, would that be cheating?
I have female friends that my wife does not care to get to know. If I tell one of them things that I do not want to tell my wife at the time, would that be cheating?
I can see, in this day and age, how people could minimize physical cheating. "He (or she) meant nothing to me" is one of those excuses I hear about.
In the end, I am really asking this question because when I give advice to those who use the term "emotional cheating" or "emotional affair", I want to know their perspective such that I understand what compels that person to distinguish.
Thanks again for your replies!
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A
female
reader, Wendyg  +, writes (25 July 2006):
 Emotional affair to me actually sounds worse!! Its like the partner you have always shared the intimacy of words and wisdom with and known deep inside and out and the person you always held as high regard for your innermost secrets can go and betray all that by seeking the solice in someoneelse. I personally wouldnt be able to stand if my man would rather go and speak to somebody else on a connection level as he should be involving me, if he cant say these things to me then why should he say them to another woman ? The mind is a powerful thing, and it takes an age to truly connect with someone, so if they were to merrily go and have the same connection with someone else then they are losing the connection with you, so in the emotional sense, they are cheating you out of your true soulmate that you thought you had. Not that having sex and cheating with someone else anyway would be condoned by me and yes that would actually make me feel stripped of my intimate relatinoship, but these days sex is just an act.. as hurting as it is to those that are cheated upon and we all do view this differently, sex can cause many of us grieve but that is just an act whereas the mind is where we all are and exist.
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (25 July 2006):
Wild Thaing is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your reply Martini.
I can't quite put my finger on why, but I find that the term "emotional cheating" or "emotional affair" puts me off. It may only be a perception on my part, but I think that people who use this term are trying to minimize the enormity of the offense.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2006): I believe that based on your next question WT, that concept is relative to the people involved. Personally though, to me, it's very black and white - yes or no. It's NOT "kind of" or "a little bit". One is physical, the other is emotional, but ultimately the result is the same - you're cheating on someone.
Mind you, I can also understand why physically cheating may be 'downplayed' more so than emotional cheating by many people, because when someone emotionally cheats, the 'victim' still retains some hope that their cheating partner may come back. Where as someone who sexually cheats has her/his body tainted by a foreign individual. Metaphorically, it's as though an 'enemy' has invaded the temple in which you are supposed to be exclusive to and worship. Make sense?
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (25 July 2006):
Wild Thaing is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHmmm One, good point. Instead of "define" I should have used "I observe".I ask because it is on this forum that I first encountered the term "emotional affair", and it seemed to me to be a curious term. While I think the "emotional" part is redundant, it implies that there is to be a distinction made between cheating with and without sex.So another question I have: Are there people out there that believe that an affair without sex is less offensive than one with sex?
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A
female
reader, One Of The Ancients +, writes (25 July 2006):
I can't help wondering where you got the notion that someone here "defined" an affair. No one that I know of, in any of the questions I read, moderate or answer, has given that definition. If anything, an "emotional" affair is often the one that people complain about most.
I think the majority of answers here would agree with your basic assertion that the transfer of emotional closeness from one partner to another, without breaking off the first relationship, is cheating.
Now, a question for you: what makes you enquire?
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