A
female
age
41-50,
*obme
writes:I have been enjoying my time with my new guy and now insecurities are slowly coming up here and there with me. We do work together and have been warned heavily by our employer last year to not get involved or face consequences. I am going to a interview tomorrow as I have been applying at alot of places so that we can be ok and be like a normal couple with decent jobs.I go to his house 2 days a week on Sundays and Thursdays to spend time with him and we text and call each other almost daily.He is very supportive about my interview and I am to use him only to have as my reference. He told me on Valentines Day this year that he isnt ready for a serious relationship so I understood and stopped contact.Alot to do with our employer. 2 days later he calls me and kept calling me till I went back over to his house and then 3 weeks later tells me we need to step us up..start seeing eachother another day making it 2 days a week. Now I see him on sundays and thursdays instead of just on thursday.He even asked me to stay the night with him in 2 weeks on Easter Sunday. I hear how he misses me and loves this that and everything about me. He is very affectionate, hands on me all the time with hugs and kisses and him telling me how he loves my smell.He tells me we are on the same page alot.We have so much in common its almost scary sometimes.When I am over at his house its not always sexual and we just hang out and talk and cuddle. I think now we are in a casual relationship but I am lost on why he would tell me he isnt ready for a realtionship then step us up to seeing eachother more? I hear he doesnt want me or my two daughters hurt ever that he doesnt know what may happen all he knows is he wants to spend time with me and then talks about even summer plans with me. I am noticing I am just going along with him confused occasionally by his words and actions.Now I am going on a interview tomorrow and hoping to get a new job to help us out and be a normal couple too. I am just sick of the politics at our employer. I am ready to get a new job and be happy. He is very supportive and only wants me to use him as my reference.I mentioned we could be "normal" and no longer be a secret and he said that for many months that wouldnt happen as he didnt want our employer to think that it was him why I left. Is there a chance of a more serious committed relationship in our future?
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female
reader, tobme +, writes (12 March 2008):
tobme is verified as being by the original poster of the question You are right on alot here! I think he wants to be my only reference since I am been told form my bosses they wouldnt let me leave since I am not easily replacable. I was voted one of the best employees in 2007 and I am highly respected there just I am not getting what I want from my employer any longer and am ready to start a new job with more to offer. Yes, a deep red flag last night with him telling me we would stay a secret even after I left for another job.
I need to have a deep talk with him soon face to face and ask him what he wants and to yes either put more effort towards me or I am done.Either way I think with me pursuing a new job and starting over without him there daily would be wonderful for me to move on if needs be.Its very difficult as the situation is with us spending time together then seeing eachother at work all the time. Too much pressure that I am getting sick of protecting us and ready to have a serious relationship oneday with or without him. Right now, I say its all fun and at least I have companionship going on that I love alot! But, I also think I could be jumping the gun since we only have been seeing eachother a little over a month but was best friends for over a year and a half. At the same time I need to know sooner than later on where we stand.
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (12 March 2008):
Right you have all these questions about his crazy man brain and here you are asking a bunch of starngers on the internet about them.
Next time you are round there and you are relaxed and chatting tell him you need to talk about this. ASK HIM what he wants.
You are jumping through hoops and getting a new job for this relationship when he could turn round and say "nah, I still don't want to commit" after you get one.
Why is HE your only refference? Why not your boss? Why does it matter to him if your boss finds out you left to be with him? That sounds like another excuse to me.
He is in full control of this situation and of you and of your two daughters as a result. He's getting everything his way, and what are you getting? Not a lot.
Get a backbone and tell him you need to know what he wants, and if it's going to be worth all the effort you are putting in.
You've been through child birth, twice, you are perfectly capable of standing up for yourself to a boyfriend.
Good Luck x
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