A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My sweetheart (I'll call her P) and I were together for four months. It's not a lot of time but we have a really eventful story:We both came from five-year-long relationships, we were both cheated on by our partners and we both had trust issues as a result... But she managed to get over them, while I didn't.Our relationship began as very beautiful. I couldn't believe I had found someone so compatible. Sadly we started to get into very tedious arguments over petty things. We were never angry at each other and we always tried very hard to make things better, but everything we said just added fuel to the fire.At one point she broke up with me (she said it was for my own good), but regretted immediately and I forgave her. One month later, I broke up with her (because she had become quite cold towards me and I thought she didn't love me anymore; turns out it was because her grandma was sick) but she didn't forgive me even though I begged her (which I regret; it wasn't the most manly thing to do) and even though I did forgive her when she broke up with me on a whim.A few days after, she had to be taken to the hospital; she had suffered a miscarriage. We didn't even know she was pregnant (she was on the pill). The experience of losing our unborn child reunited us again, but we didn't get back together formally, so things were very uncertain. We were both unsure as to whether it was okay to be affectionate with each other, so there were a lot of misunderstandings.Eventually it was clear that we still loved each other very much, so we made up, but we still weren't seeing each other frequently and we weren't technically a couple. She told me to wait until June the 30th (from now on D-day); then she'd get some medical test results which would tell her if she would be able to have children in the future. It'd be a very important day for her and she wanted to give me my definitive answer then.I gave up after a week of waiting (three weeks before D-day). I was consumed by fear; she was setting me limits but since she was single she could still be with other guys if she wanted. She started getting closer to one of her male friends, and in one of our dates she brought him up out of nowhere and started showing me pictures of him. She was also wearing a ring she had always wanted me to buy her. I wrongly assumed that she and her friends were an item. She reassured me that it wouldn't happen and she wanted to spend her life with me; however, I didn't believe it, because my previous girlfriend told me the same when she was cheating on me.I felt so exhausted; in my mind there was no way I could ever get her back. I started fading out of her life, sending her goodbye messages and telling her to take care of herself. It took me an entire week to let her go. She didn't do anything to prevent me from leaving; knowing her, I'm pretty sure she was thinking along the lines of "if you love someone, set him free". She was still resentful for that time when she was feeling down because of her grandma and I broke up with her; this time she wouldn't lift a finger.At the end she was telling the truth: I was the one she loved. Her friend was just a friend, the ring was a gift from her aunt. I was the one man in his life: the father of her unborn son. But by the time I realized it it was already too late and it was over.Now I don't know what to do. It's been two weeks without her. D-day is in three days and I can't be there for her. She'll reject me if I try; she probably hates me.In these two weeks I've gotten closer to God, in my quest for answers, forgiveness and healing. And I have her to thank for that: I used to be an atheist.Anyway...1) I'm thinking of calling her or emailing her before D-day in order to thank her for showing me the spiritual path and to wish her well (and also as an excuse to talk to her). Would that be alright?2) Is the relationship completely ruined or do I have any chance of being with her again someday?3) If she ever takes me back, how can I get rid of my trust issues forever and be good enough for her?
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atheist, broke up, get back together, the pill Reply to this Question
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male
reader, mrg123  +, writes (6 July 2011):
 Oh dear. Well yes it does; it raises the first question of whether underlying some of the problems with your previous relationship was her conflicting feelings about her own sexuality....to be fair to her its not unheard of for people to have heterosexual relationships then homosexual ones as their experiences lead to them becoming more self-aware.
I think your better off on your own path to be honest, no matter how much this hurts, because had you got back it could well have led to more pain for you if she's in such a tizzy.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh god almighty, this couldn't get any more ridiculous. Her new boyfriend is actually... a GIRL. She has a unisex name so I thought it was a guy.
I don't know what to make of it. I have nothing against homosexuality but this raises a LOT of questions.
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A
male
reader, mrg123 +, writes (5 July 2011):
Well that's just plain rotten of her to be totally honest, she should at least have told you. I am really sad to hear that and hope you dont abandon the path your on, that is and should be for you, not for anybody else, it's really important you stick to it because I am totally sure there will be better things ahead for you.
Everything happens for a reason and maybe this just wasnt meant to be. When things are that way, no matter how much we wish they were different, they can't be.
Thank you....good luck and take care :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell I spoke too soon. My trip through her social networks unveiled her alternate account, where she's in a relationship with her new "friend" as of June 15th. There WAS something between them. Yeah, way to "fight for me", darling. :/ I was right all along. I should have trusted my gut instead of blaming myself like she did.
There goes all my motivation for my self-improvement process, there goes the future I envisioned with the love of my life, and my hopes of raising a child with her.
mrg123, thanks for the hopeful advice anyway. You're a great counselor.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI remembered she had an account on another social network, and when I checked it, surprise!
June 12th, she posted a picture of a drawing I gave her and said "Yes, I want to fight for you. I know I'm complicated to be with but I'm trying to be a better person for you." June 12th was the day when I started giving up on her. Holy bad timing Batman!
Now the best thing I can do about it is just endlessly bang my head against the wall in frustration (just kidding).
Thanks a lot for the advice so far! I guess I'll just have to take the risk and stick around her for a while until she starts trusting me again or until she tells me to leave her alone.
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A
male
reader, mrg123 +, writes (5 July 2011):
I'd try not to worry - try and keep your mind occupied doing other things - *much* easier said than done I know.
Facebook can cause alot of problems and be alot more hassle than its worth I agree and in my last relationship it caused problems too.
If she doesnt then I am afraid thats an answer in and of itself and you will have to think about moving on. But you are not there yet. I think you have to strike a balance. I certainly wouldnt swamp her - maybe give it a little more time before you send something else. If not then try again I would for at least a couple of times :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's been three days and she didn't reply, so I'm worrying like crazy again. :pAnd to make things worse her ex (well I'm her ex too, but I mean the previous one) is still in love with her (understandably; she's awesome) and he wished her a happy birthday on Facebook. They're not "friends" though (and their breakup was way worse than ours). I hate FB so much (or at least the things she does there)... It was the main source of misunderstandings and jealousy in our relationship, and I don't know if I would ever be able to get over that.What do I do if she never replies or get back in contact? Sending her another email or calling her would be pushy, but she did tell me many times that I was supposed to "fight for her" and never give up. I wonder if she meant it this way.
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A
male
reader, mrg123 +, writes (3 July 2011):
Well I think its good you sent her something :). Did you get a reply?
I can see what you mean in that regard and I do think its something you need to be aware of; because your seriousness while of course totally understandable could become a barrier between you two. Maybe just try saying something you did with your day or that happened in it to try and normalise the discourse between you two, dont make awkward jokes but just try and take down that barrier. What you have been through is indeed no laughing matter but precisely what she needs now is some anchors to the wider world to help her grieve. She has to be shown that no matter how painful the loss, and I dont doubt it is, life has to go on for her, for you etc. I hope I dont sound harsh there but I am just trying to be objective.
I agree you shouldnt pressure but try and strike the balance because if you don't then she will just assume your not interested. Hope that helps.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo indeed, yesterday was D-day. I read your message in time and I was going to email her but I chickened out. :/
I wrote to her today just to wish her well on the results. I didn't dare asking what they were since I figured it was too personal.
I'm worried about coming across as too serious, but it seems unavoidable to me. All her friends make her laugh and stuff, but I can't, because 1) we broke up and we're hurt, 2) we lost our baby and that's no laughing matter, and 3) we've been serious with each other for so long that it would feel weird and fake if I tried to be more fun.
I don't want to make it look like I want to get her back, because I'm not sure I would be capable of doing things right this time. I just don't want to lose the chance to have a future with her either.
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A
male
reader, mrg123 +, writes (30 June 2011):
Thats really good news :) It seems to me she was very pleased to hear from you and that, aside from anything else, is something I think we can definitely say is the case. I think its right to not dwell on what else it could mean and try and second guess her in that sense; just settle on being content in the knowledge that she was happy to hear from you. By all means give her space and dont hound her with a thousand messages a day but I feel that it would be wrong to just leave it at that equally and say i'll let her come to me because that could equally send a wrong signal. What id try and do is keep in regular contact. Today is June 30th for example and I don't think its out of line to ask how her results were; in fact, if you don't that kind of may well suggest, wrongly, you don't care. So, id at least contact her and ask that. Keep it short and just ask about them if you like but dont break all contact.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI emailed her. She replied something along the lines of "You have no idea how glad I am to know that you're okay. Kisses"I'm very relieved that she doesn't hate me. But I still don't know where I stand. It was one of those messages that could be interpreted in a thousand different ways and it would be pointless to try to guess (as I already learned).I guess I'll just leave her alone for now; she already has a lot in her hands. She knows where to find me, she knows I'm trying to do some good, and it's up to her to decide if I'm worth a second (third?) chance.
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A
male
reader, mrg123 +, writes (29 June 2011):
Well in that regard I think your on the right path. Your spirituality is right for you so just keep on with that I would say.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the answers. I'm really scared of what could happen if I call her ("How dare you call me after all you've done!") so if I don't get over it it'll just have to be an email.
@Anonymous: That's what I thought at first, that she was just playing games with me and trying to test my patience, but maybe she was testing me for a good reason.
@mrg123: Self esteem issues? ME??? Definitely. :p But I don't know how I can solve that other than actually becoming a better person, which is what I'm trying to do.
@Anonymous: It would be so easy for her to go for someone else. A clean slate, the thrill of seduction, no painful past... If only I could be that someone else.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2011): she is still breathing, you are still breathing . if she is not with someone else. i would not wait too long. go see her!
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male
reader, mrg123 +, writes (27 June 2011):
Well it seems to me, not just lack of trust on your part was the central issue but your inability to communicate properly. Maybe this is because you put barriers up and didnt reach out to her - for example when she was down about her grandma - and you leapt to conclusions which were wrong. Having said all that, she should probably have said something about that as well so it doesn't look like the communication side on either of your parts was outstandingly brilliant and this is a key issue that if you are to have a future you need to address.
Taking your questions in reverse order:
3)You don't just have trust issues but also self-esteem issues - the dead give-away is 'ever be good enough for her' which clearly shows you don't think you are. Your new found spiritual path might help here because it might help you come to terms with who you are and accept that more and also accept that you weren't cheated on because you weren't good enough. The trust will come with better communication on both your parts.
2)I'd like to believe not because it seems to me like you really are one of those couples which should be together - however, you may also be star-crossed in that you are soulmates but your just not right for each other in a relationship. Having said all that, it seems more likely that your not inherently wrong for each other but this happened at the wrong time for you. If you are meant to be, you will be....which leads me onto...
1) Yes, I think you should because I don't actually think she 'hates you' - that's your low self-esteem talking - even if it leads nowhere then at least you know where you stand and I think you would need that to ever be able to move on.
So....
Good luck and lets us know how it goes :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2011): This answer may come across as harsh tho im not trying to be.
its been four months and very eventful! however those 4 months have been full of arguements and break ups. How can you plan to build a strong lasting relationship on lack of trust and constant arguing. Love is a very powerful emotion. its so hard to give up something you love. Ive been through a similar experience, tho i made the mistake of hoping they would change when faced with an unexpected pregnancy, unfortunately they never do! go with your gut! If she's making you wait 3 weeks till this 'D day' i wouldnt wait around for her, she is obvouisly not interested and stupidly as women do trying to save your feelings hoping youl get uninterested in this space of time. you tooo good for her babe! move on and find someone thats mature enough to be in a committed relationship. email her if you wish but only to wish her well and thank her for memories......
hope this helps only going from experiences ive learnt from.
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