A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, my bf of 10 months and I have found out we have an unplanned pregnancy, and that i'm probably 2-3 weeks pregnant despite taking the oral contraceptive pill. We found out last week and have been talking things through. Neither of us has a child already. We don't live together, haven't saved up money to support a baby, so for practical reasons, it feels the wrong time. It also feels too soon in our relationship. On the other hand, we love each other, and had talked about having children in the next 2 years anyway...So, we're trying to decide whether to continue the pregnancy or have an abortion, and I feel so alone. I can talk to my bf, and I think he is trying to be supportive but he basically says "whatever you decide, I'll be there for you and will support you." Great to have his support, but I feel like I am the one left making the choice.We've discussed the pros and cons of continuing the pregnancy or of having an abortion, and I still can't decide what is the right thing to do. It's on my mind all the time, but my bf is able to shut it off and do the things he usually does, like hanging with his friends and playing computer games. I feel I am bringing him down by wanting to talk about this decision every time I see him, and feel I am annoying because I keep asking him how he feels about it, but I am also starting to resent him because it feels like he is not bothered either way. He told me he had noticed I was 'short and snappy' with him this weekend, and I feel under pressure to be my normal, happy, smiley self, when inside, I just feel so confused.I would appreciate your advice/stories of your experiences of how making a decision about an unplanned pregnancy can affect your relationship, and any advice on how to prevent myself from resenting him, and on how to make my decision once and for all instead of churning it over in my head all the time.Thank you.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2011): First off talk to CURA http://www.cura.ie/ They're brilliant for this kind of thing and they are designed for women in your situation.
OP while he may act like he's being supportive he's not. He's washed is hands of this and you have to snap him out of it. It's very easy for us guys to just sit back and let you make all the decisions, we do live in a world where you have the final say on what happens because it's your body but that doesn't mean he can just sit back and do nothing.
Talk to him, tell him you need his help to make the decision. This effects both of you, he has to help.
As far as the decision no offence to the other posters but it's pointless giving our opinions. People love to say that you need a certain amount of money, financial stability, stability in the relationship. These are ideals, not necessities, it can all be done without those things and it can be done well too. Mother nature gave you 8 months to prepare, that's loads of time to get your act together if you want to keep it.
OP you have time on your side. Explore the abortion option and see the practicalities of that and how much time you have to decide then just give yourself a few weeks to think things over.
Don't panic you have a good bit of time still. This is a huge decision do take your time and gain as much info on things as you can but definitely give CURA a call. Drag your boyfriends lazy ass up off his couch and make him do this stuff with you OP. He's equally responsible for this so he has to share the burden of making this decision with you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2011): I actualy had 2 unplanned pregnancys. 14 months apart. I was young and thought I knew what I was doing but I was totaly wrong. I prayed t God to help me out cause we also had hardly any $. It was very rough the 1st 4 yrs I wasn't sure about my choice on keeping the babies. Now I've learned if u do have faith in God he will open doors that u never even imagined were there. I feel like nomatter what stage u are in life your never 100 percent ready to have a baby. It is 8 yrs later and I couldn't be happier w/my choice.
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reader, k_c100  +, writes (27 June 2011):
 As much as you may feel it is a burden you are having to carry alone and this decision rests entirely upon your shoulders - it may actually be a good thing that your boyfriend has simply said he will support you either way.
Here is a short story on my friends, who have just had a baby 5 months ago. The father, he works very hard but isnt on an amazing wage, he is trying to build his own business with a friend but it is taking years of work, on top of his 9-5 job, to make progress. His girlfriend, does not work and has never had any intentions of getting a job. They rent a house together, have been together 4-5 years, and have a reasonably happy relationship although it has been fairly up and down in the last 2 years.
One day, despite taking the pill as she should, his girlfriend finds out she is pregnant. She tells her boyfriend and he immediately expresses his opinion, they cannot afford it, it would add too much strain on the relationship and he is not ready to be a dad. He wants her to get an abortion. She goes away and thinks about it - and decides to keep it. He is distraught, he knows he has basically had his life taken away from him against his own will. She has to live in the knowledge that her boyfriend doesnt want the baby. Very difficult times, believe me.
But baby is born, boyfriend is overwhelmed with love for his daughter so he is happy that he has a child. However even to this day, months later, despite loving his child more than he could ever imagine - he resents is girlfriend for taking his life away against his will, he works until 4am most nights trying to push his own business forward so he can cover the costs of the child and the stay at home girlfriend, and he sleeps on the floor of their 1 bedroom house because of the arguments he is having with his girlfriend. If you asked him would you change having your daughter - he would say no and that he loves her, but if he could turn back the clocks and have a child later in life (he is only 26) then he would, because life is too hard right now and it neednt have been that way.
So imagine, if your boyfriend had told you he doesnt want the baby and wants you to get an abortion, but you were swaying towards keeping it - imagine having to make that choice to keep it knowing your boyfriend doesnt want it. Equally it works the other way around, imagine aborting the baby knowing your boyfriend wanted it. Both ways would be incredibly hard on you and your relationship - in some ways it is actually better that your boyfriend is 50/50 and will support you either way.
He is leaving the decision up to you but ultimately the baby is inside your body, so only you can decide what to do with it. You know he is 50/50 on this and can see the pro's and con's on both sides, so you need to decide now what feels right for you. There will be equal pro's and con's on both sides I'm sure, maybe a few more cons on the keeping it side, but it has to be what FEELS right. You are both 50/50 on this by the sounds of things, he feels the same way as you so dont feel so hurt by his indecision - you are in the same boat.
And unfortunately as the woman in these scenarios, you have to have the final say. Ultimately you have to ask yourself this - would you rather wait to have a child, and have the abortion? Or do you think you could manage? How much of a struggle would it really be? Would you be ok with having an abortion, would you feel guilty or regret it? Or would you be 100% behind your decision and happy that you made the right choice at the time?
You are right, it does sound too soon and it could do a lot of damage to your relationship because it is a lot of pressure on a young relationship. But maybe if you both have good jobs, and could afford to find somewhere to live together, then maybe it would work. If I were in your situation I would personally get the abortion because it is not fair on the child to be brought into the world when the parents would struggle to raise it. I would rather have a baby knowing that I could give it the best life possible with a happy, stable mummy and daddy around 24/7 for the child.
But that is just me - what is your gut instinct on this? Often when you are 50/50 on something, and it is a decision like this - simply go with what feels right to you. There is nothing more you can do, just follow your instincts.
As for resenting your boyfriend - I know it is hard to see him carrying on this way but he is being a typical male and this is the way they cope with massive decisions that are out of their hands - they brush it under the carpet! He is avoiding dealing with the conflict by carrying on with life as normal, he knows it is your final decision as the child is in your body so he is trying not to feel so out of control by acting like normal. It is just his coping mechanism - to carry on like normal until the decision is made. I'm sure once you make the choice he will change and he will either be on hand to help you through an abortion, or he will start preparing to be a dad.
All I can say unfortunately is that you have a good boyfriend who will be there for you no matter what, and it may be a blessing in disguise that he is on the fence about what to do in this situation. Go with your instincts, if you follow your heart then you can never regret the decision.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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reader, chigirl  +, writes (27 June 2011):
 I'm sorry to butt in here, but I have a question for you instead. I'll ask my question first and then give you the little advice I can in the last part of this post.
I myself use the birth control pill for contraception. Is that the same you used? I have been told it is close to 100% effective against pregnancies, and that the ones who do get pregnant haven't taken the pill correctly.
Now, I don't want you to think Im accusing you of anything, I'm just curious to hear the story about how you got pregnant. Did you take all the pills as you should? Were there circumstances where the pill might have been less effective? Such as an illness, stomach problems, vomiting, using antibiotics?
To get pregnant while on the pill is so rare you see, that I am wondering if it truly happened, or if there might have been a slip up somewhere that went by unnoticed by you.
I have a friend who claims to have gotten pregnant while on the pill, but the truth is, and she told me this, that she hadn't taken it for 3 days. To everyone else though she says she was on the pill.
It's just that these episodes scare people (and me to) into thinking the pill isn't safe. So I'm just curious to hear how it happened.
If you don't want to answer my question that's fine, as it's got nothing to do with your original question.
As for your situation, I haven't been in it. But, I know the feeling of having a supportive boyfriend who doesn't appear interested in the problem, and leaves the responsibility up to you, and the feeling of being a nag for wanting to talk about something important.
I don't think you should feel like a nag, bore, or annoyance for talking about THE ONE big decision in both of your lives. So don't feel like you shouldn't talk about it. This isn't some minor thingy that happened and you drag it on and on. This is life altering. And you need to tell your boyfriend to step it up and be present. He does sound like he's distancing himself, but don't confuse this with him not caring or not bothering. I think he does care a whole lot about what's going on, but the law tells him you are the only one who are allowed to make a decision, so he needs to back off. Guys and their crazy interpretations...! You need to be direct with him and tell him that yes, while the law says that it's up to you to decide what to do with your body, you value HIS words and wishes, and take them into just as much a consideration as your own wishes.
This means no more "I support you whatever you do", because this isn't about you. This is about to be a parent or not to be a parent, a baby or not a baby. Then not to forget the morals and values. He can support you all he wants, but if he's got something against one or the other option he'll have to speak up. He'll also need to make a choice. He can't say "either way is fine with me", because that puts the responsibility on you alone, and you don't want that. So tell him that!
Even if resentment builds up, it can be worked through. Resentment is a stage, and you can pass it.
As for the abortion-issue itself I think you need to step down to the very core of the issue. You have weighed the pro's and cons, but those were mainly practical things, right? At least the cons I mean, such as money, living space, length of relationship etc. How about the moral aspect of it? Have you looked into that? Are you fine with an abortion, look away from the pro's and con's of money etc. How do you feel around an abortion as a concept? Are you ok with it? There is a chance you are not okay with it, even as acceptable as it is in society. Women who have abortions, and men too for that matter, can go into depression, feel regret, loss.
Only once you're accepting of abortions, personally feeling ok with the act, is when you can start to weight in the pro's and con's.
Talk to your boyfriend again about the way he handles this, and talk to him about how you feel around this, rather than talk about what to do. Talk about yourselves for a while, how you deal with it, and how you can take care of each other through the process. Men needs to be told directly, practical things that they can do. He also needs to be told that he has to make a choice and not push the responsibility on you just because the law says it's ultimately your choice. Tell him that you need his decision, and you need him to take a stand, and that you value his choices, desires, wishes. That you can't do this alone, because you'd not only make a decision for you, but also for him, if he doesn't come forth with his own choices. And you just can't do that, you can't make a decision on his behalf.
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reader, pinkcandy2 +, writes (27 June 2011):
your post really touched me as i have been in the same situation myself. I found out i was pregnant in january, my partner already has a son who lives with us full time, my pregnancy was not planned. i agononised over the decision of whether to keep the baby or not, i talked to my partner and because he already has a child, he was completly against a termination. OUr realtionship had gone really sour after a year and half together so i was really considering a termination as i new our relationship wasnt healthy. Whenever i spoke about a termination he told me i was a murderer and told me i would never be able to live with the guilt. So after weeks of tears and mental torture i kept the baby. I am now 28 weeks pregnant and have had the worst 6 months of my life. I am not going to flower it up and say pregnancy is amazing, of course it is amazing to have this precious gift but nothing prepared me for the emotional rollarcoaster. I have been an emotional firework, crying over anything and everything, snappy, tired, can't sleep, gone off food, eating too much food, heartburn, back ache, worries about being a good mother. I think this is all normal in pregnancy but what i need is a supportive partner who makes me feel better. And that is what you will need too. After speaking to friends i have come to the conclusion that most men are not as supportive as they could be when their partner is pregnant, because their body isnt changing and they dont feel any different they just get on with life and dont understand it when we complain of aches and pains, tiredness, mood swings etc. Pregnancy is an emotional time, and nothing prepepared me for this, but if i could do it over again i would wave a magic wand and create a partner who is sensitive and helpful around the house, one who listens and empathises and doesnt ignore problems and tell me im an attention seeker. This is completly your decision, not his, but i understand you want his input and support. Try writing him a letter, i always find writing is better then speaking as you give yourself time to think about what you are saying , when talking sometimes things can come out wrong. I am very excited about the arrival of my daughter, and although things with my partner are worse than ever today i woke up and told myself that he is never going to understand pregnancy and hormones, so im just going to accept that and talk to my midwife and girlfriends when i need to. If you dont think you could live with yourself after having a termination then dont do it, but if u think bringing a baby in to the world in a realtionship you cant see lasting then dont let that put u off either. Your baby needs love, whether you and your partner are together or not. it is a very scary time i know, please take time to make your decision, i found the longer i left it the more appealing pregnancy became. With regards to money having a baby is expensive so u will need to talk to your partner about saving up from today, you dont have to buy everything brand new, but there is alot of stuff to buy, but baby shopping is so fun!! good luck and i hope what ever you decide you are happy. I also hope your partner finds his voice and becomes more supportive.
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