A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Dear all, please help. I came out of a horrible year long relationship wih an abusive guy that used to disappear for weeks at a time and give me the silent treatment. I completly lost my confidence, and got depressed. Anyway,it;s now over and I have been seeing a new guy for the last four months. However,I have been feeling extremley anxious and insecure due to the damage left by the other one, and fly into a panic when I do not hear from him, and am wondering if my expectations are to high re: phonecalls and the ammount of contact we have? For instance, is it normal not to call or text each other everyday? I saw him on friday night.. I called him sunday morning, and it is now monday and he has not called again as yet. Is that normal to leave it for maybe 2 days? The last time we did not speak for two and a half days I felt sick, and thought he had left me. I could not concentrate at work, and felt bereft. It turned out he had not left me at all, but by the time he did call I had worked myself up into a state ( he did not know this) but I was on a bad way and could not concentrate at work or anything. We do see each other and he does make an effort to see me, but it is never enough for me as I am so anxious. and I sometimes wake up in the night when he has not called that evening thinking he is with someone else, and I end up calling him very early in the morning to check he is alone and see how he talks on the phone. It;s like i get these massive urges- to call him even when I have nothing to say, and somtimes I call him like three times a day as I start feeling really painful if I don;t hear from him . These feelings often resemble panick attacks. I am working on this and trying to resist calling all the time , but I need an overview of what IS right and healthy in a normal functioning relationship? I don;t know anymore, as my last one was so unstable. I know each one is different , but are my expectations too high? What is a normal level of contact? I have asked him if it gets on his nerves thatI call so much and he said no, but it gets on MY nerves that I give in to these insecurities so quickly and I know that even when he is busy I STILL call him to make myself feel better, and that is not fair on him. It's likeI have this fear that he has left me when I don;t hear from him for a day or two.It's not nice to live with. What is normal in relationships? How can I gain some sort of rationale thinking with this? or am I justified? Thanks xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi all, Thank you anon for your very touching answer. You are realyy sweet. thank you all.. I am going to try and book some sort of counselling in, or else i could carry this problem for the rest of my life, and ruin any good relastionships. x Thank you all.x
A
female
reader, RedAthena  +, writes (27 June 2011):
 You are still VERY new into this new relationship. It has ONLY been 4 mos.
After reading your post, I started feeling anxious! If anyone insisted that I call/text them everyday, worried about me seeing someone else, etc. I would feel really upset. It would feel overwhelming and clingy to have someone like that date me. I would feel like I am being punished for what the person BEFORE me did.
You have issues with abandonment. You are reacting to things that are not even there in fear of the reexperiencing the pain you had from your last abandonment.
You are suspecting your own behavior is unacceptable. I do not believe that expecting a phone call and texting everyday may be too much for some couples. What does your bf say? If he is letting you know to relax a little, listen to him and respect it.
Do you have anxiety in other areas of your life that may be considered unreasonable? You might have an anxiety disorder. Talk to a Dr about meds and counseling to change you thinking so you are not stealing your OWN joy from a potentially good relationship.
I am a firm believer that the QUICKEST way to lose a bf is to keep worring about losing the relationship.
How can you keep learning about him, and growing closer if all you do is panic?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2011): Fearing is normal for the girls who have suffered from their past relationship, but fearing so much is not good, trust your man even when he doesnt call you or when your apart. For boys, trust is the most important thing in relationships. Maybe there is a time that he didnt communicate you but it doesnt mean that he dont love you anymore. Like what you said, he make time to see you or make an effort for you so that it means that he loves and cares for you. And if you really doubt, tell him what your feeling right now, boys doesnt play mind games in relationship, they want to know how exactly what you feel so that they can think of what they have to do for you
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2011): Ok, so.. I also recently have gotten out of a long term relationship full of alcoholism and abuse. I have also suffered through (still am) abandonment issues and the fear that arises from it. One thing that has truly helped me begin the process of recovery, are some books written by Mark Nepo, "The Book of Awakening" and "Finding Inner Courage"... I would also recommend some sort of counciling. Whether its through friends that have been through it, group meetings with other women suffering through or have suffered through abusive relationships, or with a professional. A combination would be helpful. Also, Ive noticed that free time has the tendency to cause worry. Pick up a hobby.. I would suggest possibly something that you have feared in the past. For instance, for all of my life I have feared nothing more than guns. So I went to the gun range with some friends... shot a variety of guns.. from .22 gauge pistols and rifles to guns with bigger kicks like a .45, .357 magnum, or 12 gauge shotguns. Either way, what was once a fear became a love for me.The moral is.. face your fears.. whatever they are. You will be surprized by what you can accomplish with courage.
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