A
female
age
30-35,
*ea_fever
writes:Hello.Firstly just for some context I was in a on and off relationship for 10 years with the sweetest best friend of a boyfriend who was my high school sweetheart but his lack of ambition and lazy attitude I couldn't take anymore. We are still close friends but after trying over years it just didn't work out.I mention this as 2 years ago I met James. He was the the risk i took leaving everything with the high school sweetheart for him. He is ambitious, handsome, kind caring and the sex well...!!!!He was my boss...12 years older than me. We started dating when i got promoted by another manager and i moved in with him 9 months later. Unfortunately we have gone through pretty tough times...his mother died 3 months into the relationship (he was 39), then he broke his leg in a football game 2 months after than with a very painful slow recovery...then his dad died a month ago (10 months later).When he's stressed, in pain or depressed he takes it out on me. I have ignored it for so long because it's obviously horrible what hes been through. But he thinks everytime I cry I am being manipulative, or I play victim. He doesn't like things I do and tells me off but does it himself...he gets jealous of Male friends. We can't have fun since we met in terms of going out late at night because "his leg hurts so badly" yet he will rave, smoke, socialise with his friends till 3am. I love when we go out separately with our friends but it seems he can't have fun with me or at least feels he can relax and be in pain around me....I dont know Hes moody all the time, obviously now because of his dad but ALL the time before that. He relaxes and is the most sweetest guy at night...after he smokes. He looses his temper fast and says mean things and will come ul to me saying sorry. When hes sick I have to be at his beg and call. When I am sick like today he wants sex, the house cleaned bla bla bla.Now I am telling you all this because when it is good. It is better than good. Dream guy. I love him so much. But recently I feel I don't like him. I have tried talking to him but he isn't the most open. I have had the perfect sweetheart relationship where it was the loveliest guy in the world but would never be able to be with as you need security too. James has the security, he is kind when hes not angry and can be fun sometimes. Chemistry is crazy too.I am always told there is no perfect guy. You need to compromise. Is the loveliest man who'd also the moodiest short tempered man normal? My mother thinks hes controlling...so does my best friend. But he has gone through so so much the last 18 months I keep blaming his bad attitude on that.How long do you give someone to see if its their personality or their grieving? I want to give it a chance. I am trying everything to be there for him. But after hearing all these mean things I am on antidepressants and feel a bit trapped. Hes still a colleague at work too so at the moment I am applying for jobs secretly (he talks me out of it when he knows)If anything I just needed to write something down. I'm fed up of loving someone I probably shouldn't. I'm 28, a hopeless romantic and I just want someone to love and be happy with. Hes also having a mid life crisis wanting kids and for settle. He was pushy for me to move in...then last week he was saying we will need to decide if we want to carry on as he will need a baby soon...hes annoyed because I decided I wanted to finish my masters and travel for a few weeks before doing anything like that...which I have said from the beginning...is it him just grieving again?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2019): I lost my father last September. And I have not been the same since. And never will be. He has lost both parents. It's easy for a few strangers on an advice forum to judge this man and his pain. But it's not fair. And it isn't right. He is suffering and he is lashing out. He is grasping for the person he once was and the life he once had. Confront the issues together. Get him help. If you love each other, it might be salvageable.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2019): It may be old-fashioned; but don't have a baby for a man who doesn't want to marry you first. Too many kids, especially boys; have to grow-up with dad's who decide they just want to move-on. They become remote-parents or absent-fathers. Showing-up now and then. Once they start a new family, or meet a new woman...hardly at all! Thank God I didn't have that kind of a man for a father! There for my siblings and my mother until she died! They set an example for us through their marriage!
I've given this advice to women to exhaustion; but I won't stop, because I love children. If females want to raise them alone? Fine! It's a disservice to boys who need a father, an example of manhood; and girls who need positive male role-models to show them what a real-man and a good father is. Unmarried, he can pack his bags and leave you at the drop of a hat. If he loves you enough, he'll make you his wife. Not just an incubator. Nuff said on that!
Next, the matter about moodiness and dealing with pain and injury.
There is no excuse for mistreating the loving people who are caring for you. Your injury may bring a lot of pain and suffering; but if your partner didn't inflict that pain, nobody deserves to be punished for it. Using an injury or illness as a convenient excuse to avoid doing things with your partner, is contemptible and selfish. Unacceptable!!!
All you have to do is address his rudeness (on the spot, not hours later) by reminding him that you feel compassion and empathy that he is in pain; but you won't tolerate being mistreated under any circumstances. Stop pandering and yielding to it, speak-up then and there. Be compassionate, not a martyr. Don't play the victim, if you're too busy trying to emulate that you have a perfect relationship. There is no such thing. If you can't stop crying; then remove the irritant and persistent cause of your tears.
All relationships hit snags, dives, upswings, and plateaus. You can't always synchronize. The goal is to maintain harmony; but sometimes it's an effort to regain it. If it's a joint-effort, the odds are favorable for success. Effective-communication is the key. Say what you mean, and mean what you say! Don't just yell or scream in frustration; when you've waited too long to say anything.
Adult-tears during an argument are mostly for manipulation. Albeit tears flow on occasions of loss, joy, injury, and deep sadness...occasions when they are appropriate. If you're not a baby, save them for times alone; then let them flow. Fight them back when you want to show your strength. Relationships of a romantic-nature requires maturity, endurance, and courage. Don't fight your emotions, but there are times you have to control them. Demand your respect!
The challenge is to navigate the storms, support each other, and be honest with each other. Choose your battles...and yes, compromise. You can't survive without compromise. Everyone has a separate will and a mind of their own. It is impossible to agree 100% of the time! So you find middle-ground.
When you've met an insurmountable impasse, either seek professional mediation through counseling; or recognize when your relationship has run its course. You'll know it, when no matter what you do, you can't fix it.
When incompatibility and strife becomes a constant contention between you; then it's time for a breakup, not a break...A BREAKUP! If you aren't married, you don't have to work that hard to save it; because your commitment is conditional, not institutionalized like marriage. You didn't take vows before God and witnesses. It's not on paper. Your options are still open. You have a right to seek a better partner to replace the bad one.
Men are terrible at dealing with our emotions. Grief can turn us into beasts. For some guys, their woman is their rock; and she soothes the savage breast. For others, she is his whipping-post. Stupid-men see expressing their grief and emotion as weakness. Nobody says you have to cry, but you have to yield to your pain and let it out. You curb your frustrations; and you do not manifest your feelings through anger towards everyone. Being an intolerable brute...a dick, or some kind of raging fool! You deserve your pain, if you think you're showing strength by being a bully and an asshole! You deserve to suffer alone! Nobody owes you a damned thing for your pain! Grief hurts, but it doesn't justify lashing-out at everybody! Your woman deserves kindness and love at all times. She's there for you!
The length of anyone's grief differs person to person. It may last for years. In that case, you need grief-counseling. If you find someone is getting worse not better, suggest they seek professional-help. If they refuse, then leave. It's up to you if you want to stay there and take a beating. Never convince yourself you can change people. We change when or if we want to. Love is not an excuse for martyrdom; unless it's the love you have for God Himself. Only He deserves that much sacrifice. He'll profoundly reward you for it. Humans won't! They'll say some nice things. That's not good enough!
Now combine all the advice received, and sift-out what works best for you. From what you've said, babies with this man is out of the question. Lest you see him as a convenient sperm donor. Kids deserve the benefit of two loving-parents, committed in marriage, when it's a choice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2019): I forgot to say that another classic abusive tactic is for the man to be very keen on settling down and getting their partners pregnant as quickly as possible. Why? Because it makes you completely reliant on them and that's how they like it. Usually that's when the abuse REALLY starts. Because you can't earn money, you have to stay at home and they've got you where they want you. Helpless without them. PLEASE don't get pregnant by this man. Being forever linked to him because of your children will make your life incredibly difficult, even if you do manage to get away. READ the book. USE contraception if you're sleeping with him. I said that your needs and wishes and wants and dreams count for nothing with men like this. This is a prime example.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (20 March 2019):
 Well, the grief and pain from his accident won't have helped his moods, but compare how he has been acting with how your ex would have acted under the same circumstances. Would your ex have been mean to you because he was stressed/in pain/grieving? I doubt it very much. The occasional frustrated snap maybe, but nothing like this.
You KNOW this is not healthy. You are already on anti-depressants. How much longer are you going to allow him to abuse you in this way? Your mother and best friend are seeing this whole relationship much more realistically than you are. Listen to them. They have your best interests at heart.
In addition to the abuse, you two are at very different stages in your lives. You want to complete your education and travel before settling down, while he wants to settle down and start a family NOW, regardless of what YOU want.
Keep looking for another job (without him knowing). When you have found one, find somewhere to live (or move back in with your mother, or shack up temporarily with a friend until you find somewhere of your own) but get out of there, for your own sanity.
And stop crying. He's right in that you are making yourself out to be a victim. You are NOT a victim. You have this, sister. You are strong. You CAN do it. When he is being nasty to you, focus on what you are planning and just walk away from him until he has calmed down. You do NOT want to live the rest of your life this way.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2019): No it is most definitely NOT the grief. He is ABUSIVE. Seriously. He is already working his way through all the abusive tactics there are.He wants you and he doesn't want you to leave him. And the way that abusive partners go about achieving their goal, is to break your spirit (already on anti-depressants?), they break your self esteem and your confidence. They control you (your mother and your best friend can see him for what he is because they aren't in love with him), they make you subservient and obedient. In between being abusive they are the best people ever! Full of personality, sex appeal, treat you well and make you feel great. And then comes the abuse. They make you feel great because they want you to become addicted to them and find it hard to leave them. They know that you will be hoping for 'nice guy' to return. He does sometimes, if you please him enough and if it pleases him to please you at that moment. He will also usually be good in bed, because it makes THEM feel good to be good in bed. All you really need to do to figure out what is going on here, is look at his general behaviour towards you. Grief does not make a nice, caring and loving individual into an asshole.Did you write that when you feel sick, he wants sex and for you to clean the house??? WTF!!I was in an abusive relationship (well three actually), but in the last one, which lasted five years, I encountered the exact same behaviours as you are dealing with now. It took a long time for me to realise, believe and accept that the person I thought loved me, only loved himself. Abusive people often have personality disorders and this makes it impossible for them to love others. If they want you, it means that they want YOU and no-one else to take care of THEIR needs. That's all. Your needs and wishes and wants and dreams do not matter to an abusive person with a personality disorder. You mentioned how your boyfriend behaves towards you if you cry. Snap! If my abusive ex made me cry, which didn't happen often as I am a proud person and don't cry easily and never in front of others if I can help it, he would shout at me, 'You are acting!' which hurt to the core to be told that the manifestation of your feelings of shock and upset are just manipulation.He was wonderful company, great in bed, but surprise, surprise, my friends and my sister hated him. I couldn't see why. But they could. I used to think, 'Oh they don't know him like I do. They don't know how protective of me he is, how he looks after me, what fun we have together'. But they DID know him, much better than I did. They were street wise and could tell an abusive controlling man a mile away and do you know what? So can I ….now. I can spot what your boyfriend is. I read loads of books on abuse when I finally realised what was happening to me and I learnt all the abusive tactics that abusive people have at their disposal. They all don't use them all. But they will use the tactics that they are comfortable using to get the result that they want. Which is an obedient, quiet, subservient partner, who will be so broken by the time they have finished with them, that they won't leave them.Your boyfriend will ruin your confidence and your judgement. You already don't know and can't tell if you are being treated badly or not. (Happened to me too, I am not judging you). You say that when you are sick he wants sex and for you to clean the house. Does that sound like the actions of a caring, concerned man? He will control your actions. He is already making sure that you know he is jealous of your male friends. Have you started to cut back on seeing them or communicating with them? To keep the peace or to keep him happy? Because 'he's going through so much'? Bullshit. He will try to make you stop seeing any man other than him and he will come up with any reason, whether he's going through a bad time or not, he will be working on you to stop you seeing other men. If you continue to see them, he will play up and act out, but probably blame his mood on something else, or become scary to achieve his aims.I danced with my abusive ex for many years. It's how we met. I danced with many men, very often over the years, before I met him and they were my friends and we all used to dance with each other. After I had been with my abusive ex for a few months, my male friends gave me a wide berth. They did not ever come near me. They KNEW what he was like and he never had to say a thing. A look, a glare and a posture was all it took for these men to completely leave me alone. If a new man who didn't know him, came and asked me to dance and I agreed, not only did I feel extremely uncomfortable whilst dancing with him, but I knew I was going to get it in the neck for dancing with someone other than him, when we got home. Sometimes it would take days before he picked a fight and started to yell and accuse me of flirting, asking me what was going on, why did you dance with him? Etc Etc. But, guess what? He danced with whomever he wished and God help me if I mentioned the double standards. I learnt to be quiet, to never react when he started a fight, because I knew it would get me/ us nowhere and I quietly and slowly planned my escape. It took years to get away from him and four years later, he was still stalking me, when he felt like it. He was like a cat with a mouse. It amused him to know that he could enter and disrupt my life whenever he felt like it. Nearly six years since I left him and it's been quiet for fifteen months. I am scared and worried for you and please don't think that I am putting this too strongly.You are on anti-depressants, you said in your post that you are feeling trapped and you feel upset and uncertain enough to come to a website for help and advice. I really hope you will listen to what someone who has gone through all you are now experiencing, has gone through many times before. I know my stuff. I sincerely can TELL you that your boyfriend is abusive. I wish I had had someone to tell me 100% what was happening when I was going through it.On one weekend when I had been physically threatened by him for the first time and left to go to my own house, I was lucky enough to find a book on abuse by accident called, 'Why Charming Men Can Make Dangerous Lovers'. I don't remember who it was by, but I knew enough at that time to sit and read it. I did. Cover to cover. With my mouth open most of the time. There, in black and white, were the very words my boyfriend used against me on a regular basis. There were the phrases I had heard time after time. There in the pages of this book were the behaviours I had had to encounter and wondered if they were my fault. What a revelation! To finally understand that everything that had been going on was planned, orchestrated, done on purpose and part of a abusive nightmare to keep me off balance, to make me wonder, make me question myself, make me stop rocking the boat and just obey him and be quiet. To not dress in anything that would make him disapprove, to keep away from other men. Your boyfriend may use different tactics. He may never mention what you wear or insult you, but he is using other tactics. You said that you feel trapped. That is because you are! He is making you feel this way on purpose! You will become increasingly trapped and obedient and quiet the longer you stay with him. You say he is your dream guy. I STILL say this about my abusive ex. That he was the BEST MAN I had EVER met. Until he was the worst. My dear girl, they KNOW how to BE the best man, the dream guy. BUT IT IS ALL AN ACT. The bastard that you are getting to know and who has you coming to an internet site for help and on anti-depressants and feeling trapped is the REAL one!! The man that the people nearest and dearest to you can see straight through is NOT A NICE GUY!! Or a dream guy. A nightmare one. The best book I have ever read on the subject of abuse is called 'Why Does He Do That?' and it is by Professor Lundy Bancroft. He worked one to one with abusive men for fifteen years and learned their array of abusive tactics. He writes about them in his book and teaches you all you need to know about abusive men. He is an eminent psychologist who knows what he's talking about. I had to rely on luck to realise that it was abuse I was suffering. I now come to this website to try to help people like you, who don't understand what's happening, who are making excuses for vile behaviour, because they don't want to think the worst of their boyfriends. Even though their boyfriends are the worst. Sorry to say that and you might find it hard to believe what I have said, although I suspect that on some level you already know it. Otherwise you wouldn't be here. PLEASE read the book I suggested and then you really will understand. It will empower you and set you free and help you to steer clear of these 'dream' guys in the future. I wish you all the best and all the luck in the world. Away from this man, armed with information to keep you safe in the future. Be safe x
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (20 March 2019):
 He treats you badly, because YOU allow it. It's that simple.
You have made excuses for him (to yourself mostly) when he has been a total dick-wad to you. Oh, it must be grief or stress... But in reality, he is a DICK to you because THAT is who he is and what HE wants to do.
The fact that the relationship seems to revolve around HIS terms and what He wants should tell you how it will continue.
He is your boss at work, and at home. THAT is how he sees himself.
And now HE wants kids so you BETTER let yourself be knocked up? "he will need a baby soon"... That is how you put it. So SCREW your dreams and goals for further education and travel?
I'm sorry, this relationship is just SO uneven. He will NOT change how he sees you or the relationship. He is the superior, you the subordinate. You always will be, HE will make sure of that.
A good partner brings the best out in you. They don't treat you crappily that you NEED to go on antidepressants!
Up the job search and don't move in with him. If you think you can handle working with him and breaking up, then DO that. AND do NOT have kids with this one.
Grief or not, he has NO right to treat you this way.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 March 2019):
 No, it's not the grief talking. He's just a nasty piece of work. You say it yourself, he was always moody and controlling and self centered even before losing his father, and in between the negative episodes in his life- he just gets WORSE then usual when he has to deal with something bad .
Personally , I don't think that even the deepest grief can radically change your personality , change who you really are. Some behaviours may change temporarily, but not your essence. He is a selfish prick, he just hides it better when everything looks rosy.
Example : My cousin lost his first wife to cancer after only 18 months of marriage. He is normally an outgoing sociable type , always up for some witty banter and a good laugh with friends- he is also a gentleman, kind and considerate in general , but particularly to those who are "weaker" than him in terms of age, health, money or status. In the aftermath of his wife's death for a while he was not that sunny and sociable anymore, he was not much up for jokes and laughs and going out , drinking and dining as usual. BUT he still was kind and considerate . He did not take his bereavement as an excuse to treat like shit his secretary or his cleaning lady or his old , senile dad ( who could be quite irritating ).Everybody sooner or later has to deal with losses and illnesses , and while it is normal to be somewhat out of sorts when you get a shock, still grief is not a good excuse to treat routinely people around you with insensitivity and contempt.
I think you need to listen to your mom and friends- and most of all that you need to speed up your partrner selection's process by being more " ruthless " , so to speak, more " what's in it for me ".
You already wasted a long time on a lovable but feckless slacker, waiting for him to turn into the kind of man that you need and that he clearly is not. Now you risk wasting more time in the name of " romance " , on someone who not only does not treat you right , but also has shown , time and again, that he only cares about himself and his own interest, and not a whit about what you want for yourself.
You do need for once to put yourself first, at the very center of your life. You are the director and the ,ain character of the movie about your life, and yours is the responsibility ( and the thrill ) to make it a good movie. If supporting actors , or extras, thwart your efforts - they need to be removed from the set.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2019): Anyone can be lovely when times are good, but when things get tough is when you see someone's true character. It seems this guy doesn't measure up. He's only nice when he gets what he wants or when things are going his way. You aren't on his team, you're his carer.
Set aside your theories about compromise- kindness vs security. It's bollocks. Will you feel secure with this well off guy who has you on tenterhooks 24/7- always wondering if you've done enough not to set him off. Secure yourself! Then you can choose a guy based upon his character nothing else. I suspect that when you break up with this guy you'll feel an overwhelming sense of relief. Good luck
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (20 March 2019):
 Why would he take it out on you though? His partner? Someone he supposedly loves. Was it your fault his parents died? Or that he broke his leg? I highly doubt it, so why are you his punching bag for it? These kinds of guys usually are charming, say whatever they like, insult people, get angry and fly off the handle and then sweet talk their way back into the good books.
One rule for him and another for you by the sounds of things. Can you imagine walking on eggshells for another 5-10 years? Why should you have to deal with all the shit side of him whilst your friends think he’s a saint? Upsets you to the point of tears and the only response he can come up with is that you’re a manipulator? Maybe he has slipped into some kind of depression himself, but that is on HIM to fix, not you! You can’t help someone that doesn’t want to help their self.
I seen a few of these posts where people ask ‘Is the grief causing this?’ You said he was moody all the time before this anyway so it doesn’t sound like it. But even if it was, does being upset about something give you a free pass to act like a prick to the people you’re supposed to love? I don’t think anything does. Judging from your age group this guy is between 38-41? By the sounds of things I’d of put him in an 18-21 category.
You’ve started taking anti depressants because of how he’s treating you? Does that sound like a healthy relationship? You’re actually letting your own mental health deteriorate so you can try to please someone who’s acting like a complete tosser.
For your own sanity, find someone who knows how to treat you properly!
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