A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Girls...If a girlfriend is acting kind of distant, seems to avoid deep or touchy subjects, etc. is it a reasonable excuse to say that she's highly stressed out about other things in life? And that because of that she needs you (the guy) to understand and back off with YOUR feelings/issues/etc. so she can deal with the other things?My gf and I are having this dispute.We're both college students. For me college comes pretty easy, I have never felt overstressed about tests, projects, due dates or whatever. I pretty much get done what needs to get done and it doesn't worry me. I end up with good grades without a whole lot of effort and stress. I also work a job and volunteer in a couple of clubs, and even with all of this I have been able to manage my life's stress quite well and am able to always set aside time for friends and especially for my gf.She on the other hand gets very nervous about tests, stresses out over large homework projects and so on. I've seen her almost cry at the prospect of a huge exam coming up the next day, and I've seen her become really, REALLY upset if she doesn't do as well as she'd hoped. She doesn't even make time for other extracurricular or outside activities very often because she is so stressed about school.Background is that her family expected her to overachieve, and I think she's carrying that forward. For her, getting a B was reason to be grounded because "if she hadn't been spending time with friends etc. and instead studied more, then maybe she could have gotten an A". They also use "family comes first" as a mantra to guilt her if she ever tries to say "no, I can't come visit/won't have time to do that for you right now/etc." So I know there's tons of pressure from that side.This is starting to really come between our relationship though. We do have some great times together, we enjoy doing the same things, so we are always able to enjoy ourselves when we get the chance to. But lately, as school is picking up and more work is being laid on everyone, she's becoming a lot more distant - standing me up and/or canceling dates, being very edgy, and downright snapping at me over what to me seems trivial. Recently when we have spent time together, whenever we are keeping it light and just talking about common interests, doing things together, eating out, whatever, she actually seems happier and more relaxed. But then sometimes I'll end up bringing up something that sparks a conversation about an issue I"m having or some "heavy" topic we need to discuss, and her mood can quickly change from happy to upset and irritable. I love spending time with her and doing "non-heavy" things, but at what point is it unfair for me to hold in my feelings and avoid discussing things just so she can avoid getting more stressed?If I directly confront her about the stress issue, she'll usually say "Sorry, but school -HAS- to come first... I can't blow off studying for a test just to spend time with you, or anyone else for that matter. Can't you just understand a bit more and stop shoving these heavy issues in my face when I'm already so stressed about everything else?" She also might add in that her friends or her family are also stressing her out. Like friends are demanding her help, or family is expecting her to hurry home to fix something, etc. The upshot is that I feel like I'm on the brunt end. Everyone else stresses her out, so I have to be stress-free. I'm sure it helps her when we spend casual and non-"heavy" time together. But my intent isn't to stress her out, it's to discuss and work out issues that come up in all relationships. So the question, girls, is who's being unreasonable? It's hard for me to be objective because as I said I handle stress quite well so to -ME- she just needs to calm down and enjoy herself a little and tell everyone else who's stressing her out unreasonably to go to hell, but to her school and family pressures seem like a matter of life and death. Some people will tell me that school and family come first and that I'm being unreasonable to expect her to put aside any school-related project or family time to go on a date (which isn't necessarily what I'm doing; it's only that if we do make plans that she not stand me up for those things); others would say that she's being unreasonable because a relationship can't be blown off no matter what the situation.I'd love some outside objective viewpoints...Thanks
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 February 2013):
 If she does not turn to you now for support, I doubt that she will ever be the kind to do so.
It's wrong to make plans and break them and I bet she is trying to please you as much as she is trying to please her parents.
School at this age is critical and taking it seriously is important, but taking social experiences and interpersonal relationships seriously is important too.
This is the time of life when our social skills are being refined and our own tastes and desires are coming out over what our parents attempted to imprint on us.
I personally prefer a partner who comes to me in their time of need... who wants my support and assistance when needed... not a partner who shuts me out.
I sense that in the big picture, you two have very different styles of relationship and that in the long run it will not mesh well. I'm betting that if you stay together.... after school is over, she will find a job that will require her attention and will cause stress and she wont' come to you... in addition her family will always be first.....
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (23 February 2013):
 i understand exactly where you're coming from. i balanced full time school, full-time athletics (soccer), full time relationship, and part time internship in college - with EASE. it's hard for me to relate to people who stress so easily about things. i suppose it's easy for us to sit here and make judgement calls about how others should be like us. but at the same time, clearly we rock! lol. so they should be more like us. but like you, i guess school did always come pretty easy for me. So i didn't have to put in insane amounts of study hours to do well. and getting B's never bothered me. i liked getting good grades, but i wasn't traumatized by not getting an A. i didn't have the pressure on myself like it sounds like she does.i can't say she's wrong for being the way that she is, however, i can say that it certainly can't be much fun to feel that stressed all the time. i would go insane if i felt like that. but i'm a very laid-back person. if i were you, i'd have a hard time being with someone so anxious and stressed all the time. there's got to be a better way to manage stress than what she's doing. and there's got to be a better way to manage her time.it's not fair that she's not allowing you to speak your mind about normal things people in relationships talk about. it's unreasonable and unfair for her to expect you to never talk about anything of substance with her. if this persisted, it'd be a deal-breaker with me. good luck, friend!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 February 2013):
 You are lucky to be an energetic ,competent, yet laid back type that does not get stressed easily and manage to fit everything neatly in your life, and you are also lucky to have grown up with undemanding parents , but not everybody can or should be just like you, and if for you it is important that your gf has the same coping skills and life approach that you have,... then pick another one, because this one isn't it.
Yes, it is fair that she asks you to understand and to give her space when she needs to take care of her stuff. In fact, I think she would not ask space to her bf ( someone she likes and enjoys to be with ) if she would not really NEED it.
As for putting the relationship first or other things first, it depends .In your case, college students 18-21, sorry but I agree with the girl : absolutely , positively school first. And probably family first too.
She needs to build up her future, her career, - I know that you don't want to hear this but, - college age boyfriends come and go, and a good career stays. Ditto for her family. Who knows if you'll still be in her life 5 or 10 years from now,- probably not, her education and her career will be there ( if she plays her cards well now ).. Same as her family.
Can't you just put on hold the heavy , intense topics for a while, until she has finished with the tests and exams which are stressing her now ?
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A
female
reader, femmefemale  +, writes (22 February 2013):
Hmm... its a little tricky. Your girlfriend is being difficult by shutting you out but you may be her only way to escape the drama and stress of her life.You can't fix or change her behaviour you can only be the most loving boyfriend you can be. So try to not get annoyed that she's putting school/family before you because naturally I assume you want the best for her and want to see her happy right? Speak to her kindly and let her know you feel neglected let her know that if she is more open with you you could help her find ways of dealing with her stress or even ease the pressure for her. but please speak kindly and try to be empathetic, everyone deals with stress differently.Quite frankly if she can't balance having a boyfriend plus school work plus family its probably best that she is not in a relationship.
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