A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Do you think that staying with your bf or gf every weekend is the same as living together? My bf only visits on the weekend, he has no belongings at my house aside from a toothbrush, doesn't participate financially in anything, doesn't cook or clean except occasionally and yet is saying that we should be able to do our own thing while around each other on the weekend. I still feel like he's visiting me and therefore when he's there I want to spend time with him versus the things I would do if I was alone. He doesn't see things that way and says that that's what people do when they live together. But to me seeing each other on the weekend is very different from living together. What do you think? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 September 2013):
 well i used to spend the weekends visiting my then boyfriend... we lived too far apart for mid-week visits.
we spent all of the time together as in I did not see other friends and neither did he.
BUT he would play his game and I would watch a movie or I'd run errands and he'd sleep late (this was after we knew we would be moving in together and getting married)
but until we knew we were going to be 24/7 we pretty much spent all our weekend time together... we did not want to be apart...
I sense you are not content with the way it is... and that it's not going to change much unless you shake it up....
so now the FA is correct the real question is... do you want to stay with a relationship that leaves you wanting?
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (14 September 2013):
 Wrong question,
First I want to apologize for not reading everyone's replies first. I just want to write this answer without getting all confused.
The point isn't whether or not you are living together. The point is are you satisfied with the relationship. When you put the question that way the answer is obvious.
He feels like he is in a committed relationship. He is making the mistake of neglecting your needs. He is getting lazy. When you complain he tells you that you are living together. This confuses you into thinking you are getting what you want, when in reality what you want is for him to date you. You want him to do things with you. And if he was living with you you still would not be happy because he does not help out enough.
In short you are not happy with his idea of how the relationship should be. You are not willing to accept it, so stop allowing him to do it.
The next question is is the current behavior the "real" him? Or, is the old behavior the "real" him. Did you fall for an act, or did he change?
FA
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2013): It depends OP. It's not the same as living together but there is scope for heading off doing things on your own if he's staying there all weekend but there's a limit.
He is supposed to be there visiting you. But a few hours to head off to the bar to watch some sports or go visit friends is fine too as long as he's not purposefully avoiding you.
If he was say heading off early and only coming back late at night to you then that's taking the piss.
Ideally he hasn't seen you all week so he should make fun plans with you on the Saturday, he does need to give you quality time both days but he doesn't need to be there 48 hours.
Surely you too have things you need to take care of on a Saturday or friends you'd like to have lunch with and a girly chat, or shopping etc. He doesn't need to be with you at those times does he?
If you really feel he's only coming over to your place to use as a base of operations while he does things with others and excludes you then you have every right to put a stop to that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2013): Yes, spending the weekends together is definately NOT living together. I don't know how he can even think that?!how long have you been together?Do you live far away from each other and that's why you only spend time together at the weekend?If that's the case, then I do believe that spending time together would take priority. But having your own space is important too, bit if you only see each other at weekends, then you both have alot of space from each other during the week.It all depends on what YOU are looking for in a relationship, and you may want to ask why he wants his space on the days you ARE together.Good Luck
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 September 2013):
 Spending the weekend is definitely not like living together.
Then again, a visitor who keeps visiting week after week is not like an occasional guest, who needs and offers constant companionship and assistence. 48 hours straight is a long time to spend together, particularly for people who works during the week and needs to cram the weekend with stuff to do. So, it depends what he means. If he means that on Saturday night he goes out with his buddies and you stay home watching TV and waiting for him to come back... no thanks. If instead it just means that every now and then he needs an hour to get a haircut or run some errand or get some exercise.... well, why not, it's a relationship, not a jail.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2013): It isn't the same as living together because with your arrangement you can always go back to your own place to escape the relationship if you've had enough but in a real living-together situation you cant do that, you cannot escape each other. Thus in a real cohabitation situation, the stakes are higher. In your arrangement you don't even have to be your true selves around each other you can just be on your best behavior until the weekend is over.
That said, even though he is just visiting on the weekends it can still get stifling to have to spend 48 hours straight with the same person. Some people need their alone time every day.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2013): I totally understand what you're going through, we've been to that stage with my girlfriend. I stayed over every weekend for several months until we finnished renovating our new flat and moved in together. Almost every time we enjoyed spending an evening together, but about 10 P.M. she wanted to go surf the net and download pictures of some Korean singers (I have no idea why she needs them so much). I solved the problem by always having a book with me. Almost finished the first "Game of Thrones" that way :D Just let him do his thing, asking him to concentrate all his attention on you will do you no good. And no, having someone over for a weekend is nothing like living together. Not long ago I met a girl I had over for a weekend around 2005 and she called me Alex. For all I know, my name is not Alex.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (14 September 2013):
Is having a one night stand the same as moving in with someone?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2013): "What do you think?"
I think your boyfriend has exactly the set-up he wants: regularly-scheduled twice-weekly one-night stands.
He doesn't have to make the effort to pick up a random anonymous chick and sweet-talk her into a casual no-strings hookup nor does he have to make the effort to maintain a serious relationship, yet he still gets laid every weekend while enjoying free room, board and housekeeping.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 September 2013):
 You are not living together. You are spending the week-end together is all.
Living together is having the same address, not one for week-end and another for week-days.
I do agree that in a relationship, you SHOULD be able to do things without your SO. Hang out with friends or family for instance.
Is he saying that he wants to "sleep over" but not spend time during the week-end? Did I interpret that right? Then why can't he just go do his thing that week-end and you do yours?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2013): It's definitely not the same as living together, but if you are around just each other for two days straight I can see why he'd want to spend some of that time doing things independently. He may feel pressure to entertain you or think that you feel pressured to entertain him constantly, and I'm guessing that's what he's trying to avoid.
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