A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating a lovely man for a year now and am just wondering what it really takes to make a relationship work. He is my first serious long term boyfriend and so this question comes from a place of not knowing what to really focus on as the most important things that will hold us together. I have briefly dated one or two guys who smsed me constantly and would phone me a few times a day just to talk. We could chat for hours on the phone. I am more of a listener by nature and so I would often be the one listening. However, their chatting would allow me to talk back and add to the convo - i.e. it would draw out my quiet self. This would then allow for some back and forth discussions. The man I am currently seeing is a truly beautiful person who is down to earth, loving, caring and affectionate. I always feel safe and loved with him and trust that he will not purposefully hurt me. He is loyal, doesn't drink or critise me and is overall a wondeful partner. He would kill for his family and I love how he cares for them, even if it is in his own unique, non-verbal way. He is happy to know that I am next to him, without feeling that we need to talk and talk. However, he is not a big talker and discusser of things and doesn't see the point in getting into lengthy discussions about most topics. He'll listen and add his opinion, but it is usually brief and concise. He also has some physical/illness related things going on for him and so is often even more quiet and introspective. So, as we can often sit in silence (often silence I enjoy, but often silence I question), I find myself asking if this is a deal breaker in the relationship? I don't find that we discuss bigger issue things or that we challenge each other mentally, but can be happy just being. Is that enough?? If you've had a similar experience, I'd love to hear it.Ta!The things is, he is genuine ... He doesn't feel like he has to talk for hours to show me his love. He is committed to me and wants us to get married, but I wonder if this is enough? We have fun together and I do love him but, I often find that I can't just be in the moment with him, because my mind is wondering if the above mentioned "problem" is a sign that this can't survive? I do enjoy being quiet myself and can be very introspective (sometimes to my detriment!), but I also like to discuss and banter. Any thoughts? I have not really been in a long-term relationship before, so I am not sure what is "right" or no. All I have are some short-term r/ships where there was lots of talking. However, would that have lasted over time? Does silence inevitably enter anyway? If he offers me love, security, unconditional acceptance, respect... is it worth risking losing that? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Lilly Rose  +, writes (13 May 2009):
 To be honest i think in time this will become very frustrating....its only natural you want to talk in a relationship and laugh and joke together.....yes he seems like a great man but its not healthy to be silent with a partner often i believe. Try and talk to him about it, is he a shy person? i think talking about it you wont lose him but you love him and of course you want to hear his views or talk in depth with him about things.....as soon your probably feel its more one sided and its always you doing the talking.
Good luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2009): Strong silent type eh?
Well the problem is you are a silent type too (i.e listener). It'd be perfect if you were the talker, and he just listened to you, but you expect other people to start up conversations for you.
When you have two listeners just chilling, there is gonna be some silence, yep.
Is it a deal breaker? to me, no. But I'm a guy. I suppose I don't attach so much importance to chat chat chit chat chatter as women do. So there is that. What's far more important to me is a physical sense of belonging with that person. Just holding them, and it feeling right. Being able to communicate worlds of everything, just by looking into the person's eyes..
That sort of thing.
You can get your need for chat and banter from friends and such, if you so desired.
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