A
male
age
41-50,
*cienceguy83
writes:Hi, So before people start calling me things please read everything.I'm currently married but me and my wife are looking to go our separate ways. We had our first child when we were 18 and got pressured into marriage(her family felt very strongly about this) although at the time I though I loved her I feel now that I was young a foolish and this has been our problem recently.Both of us feel we are trapped by the other, now this isn't my problem as I said we have agreed to go our separate ways, my issue is at work.Last June a young girl (19 years old) came to where I work as an apprentice fixing computers. At first I thought she was pretty but then as one went on I found we had a lot in common same music tastes hobbies etc. we just seemed to click. Now at first I thought I could just be friends but the more I see if her the more I get pulled in, not only is she gorgeous but she's funny and kind. Now recently I started to flirt a bit with her, more hugs and the other day I took her hand (in jest) and walked her to where she was walking. But in doing so I realised how right it felt. Then I did something stupid when walking past her last Friday at the end of the day I just came out and said you look gorgeous and walked off. At the time I just wanted to say it and didn't think any better of it, but now I don't think I should have just come out and said it.She seems to like me, she flirts back and will often seek me out to chat when I'm on my own, my problem is should I keep leading her on? I know my marriage is going to end but should I really pursue a young girl (I'm 31). She also has a boyfriend but I don't know how serious that is as she's happy to flirt with me. Should I carry on and see where it takes us or let her go?Sorry it's so long but I really don't know what to do.
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female
reader, Kindpigeonette  +, writes (5 February 2013):
You should settle your divorce first, before even considering trying to go further with this. She is young and just getting her feet out into the real world. The last thing she needs is to start off her independent life cheating on her boyfriend with a man who is still married with a wife and children at home. To be honest, while I agree with CindyCares that she may just like the attention you are giving her, you have to remember that just last year she could have still been in high school. There is a large chance in my experience that she is flirting BACK with you because she still does not know how to respond to advances by grown men.A lot of the other men who flirt with her probably give off creepy vibes or are simply not attractive *in general*. You seem like a nice guy, so she probably feels safe around. Also, if she knows you have a wife and children, she might not even take the flirting seriously and just think it is your friendly personality. No matter the case, you have a wife and children at home and she has a boyfriend. She probably just assumes that you are happily married, friendly, and a flirty guy who has proven to be reliable and eager to help her. If she was really interested in you romantically, she probably wouldn't be talking about her boyfriend to you though -- unless she is talking about breaking up with him or? I have nothing against the age gap, however, you are doing things in the wrong order. First you need to finalize the divorce and figure out how things are going to be split with your children. Secondly, you should NEVER do things such as grabbing this girl's hand and attempting physical contact while she has a boyfriend. Get to know her more as friends, and ask her more questions about her personal life with her boyfriend and see how she reacts. Valentine's day is coming up, so it is the perfect excuse to see how she feels about him. It will be easy to tell by how she talks about him WITH YOU. If she asks you about plans, it is good to be honest that you and your wife are finalizing a divorce. You don't have to say more than that, but it will help open a door of opportunity later on if she likes you. You have been married since you were a teenager, and had your first kid at 18 (around this girl's age). Do you see this girl as perhaps a window to your past -- like if you could return to age 18 and had not have married your wife and had a kid, one year later at age 19, maybe you would have met someone like this girl? Please give yourself at least 2 or 3 months being single before trying to jump into any new relationship. Even if your marriage ended a long time ago (unofficially), it is still probably quite stressful or? Some of your coworkers may look down upon you because of the age difference or make connections in their mind between this girl, her boyfriend, you, and your wife (affair). There are a lot of factors which could make things very uncomfortable very quickly (for you, the girl and even your (future ex) wife), which is why I recommend not rushing into sharing your feelings yet. It really seems to me though that this is the first time you will be single since YOU were a teenager around this girls age. You have not been single for a long time, and this sweet girl with no baggage yet, probably reminds you of yourself before your rush into adulthood (and probably tarnished innocence...who ever dreams of being a divorcee with children in the middle of it when they get married or?). Of course you still have that innocence inside you, and you are still a young guy! Even at 40 you will still have many years to come -- and these future years can be very beautiful and happy like you dreamed of. So please, take it slowly. You have experience and obviously a lot of patience and maturity. Also, a kind heart like this girl. It is easy for us as humans to put our happiness in other peoples' hands and let them take it away (even if not on purpose). Please handle your heart with care, and allow it time before rushing things. I hope you find your happiness! ~^^~
A
male
reader, Scienceguy83 +, writes (4 February 2013):
Scienceguy83 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi thanks again for all of your advise, I think I really needed someone to give it to me straight. I wouldn't like to lose er as a friend so I will try and go down that path instead and if that doesn't work I will back off completely.
Thanks again for all your responses, it's been really helpful.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (4 February 2013):
 Ok my issue is not with her age. My issue is that you are still with your wife. Get yourself formally separated and divorced before you consider a little something-something on the side. Truth is if you carry on with her your wife has grounds and can really hammer you in court.
YOU have a crush. With a co-worker… never a good thing to act on. Because if it doesn’t work out (and this probably will not) you still will have to see her at the office.
I’m a huge flirt…. I’m also NOT considering leaving my husband (nor did I when he was a boyfriend) sometimes a flirt is just a flirt.. it is not an invitation to try to wreck someone’s life.
I will seek A. out to have lunch, and go for coffee and walk and talk. A is 35 or so to my 53. A is happily married. I’m happily married. A and I go out alone and talk and joke all the time… it’s comfortable and friendly and even overtly sexual on occasion…. But I would never think he didn’t love his wife. I would never assume he wants me because we walk daily 3 or 4 times a day to the coffee pot together. I also have an outrageous sexually charged flirting with B who is young enough to be my son and also happily married with three kids… and his wife knows about me and she laughs… my husband once said ‘to you flirting is like breathing and I would never ask you to stop”. Thank goodness my husband is secure in the knowledge that my flirting is not anything other than a way to pass the day at work…. Does not mean I want A to leave his wife and be with me. I also don’t want B that way. But it’s a fun time at work!
You being NOT happy in your marriage has NO bearing on her. She has a boyfriend. I do not flirt with my co-workers because I am unhappy. I do not flirt with men to get them to ask me out or want me…. it’s what I do…. Some folks are more naturally outgoing and flirtatious than others.
As for the age gap, it’s smaller than ours….
When my husband was 19 I would have been 32/33. I can tell you that I would probably not have given him a second look at 19 but at 37 he was quite attractive all grown up. 19 is still a baby. So the age gap is not huge… of course men die on average 8 years earlier than women so that should she stay with you, she will be alone early enough in her life to find another partner… and you will be an OLD dad with her if that’s what you want.
Best advice… do not leave your wife for this young lady. IF you are leaving your wife, make it so. Put your ducks in order… get the lawyers involved… one of you moves out… set up child custody, visitation and child support. Look at what is going to change for you… because you will probably be a non-custodial dad. You will pay child support (and it will be a nice chunk of change esp if your soon to be ex-wife is not working due to the age of your children) and that will seriously impact on your ability to be a big spender when it comes to dating. Many young ladies will not want a man saddled with an ex wife and children (you said “first child” so I guess there are multiple children involved)
You are putting the cart before the horse here.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 February 2013):
 You don't know that she is not happy in her relationship- in fact, I'd assume she is happy enough - until they break up. She is single and 19,no kids, - if she were THAT unhappy,breaking up with the bf would not be such a big deal ,she'd do it. For some women, particularly at her age , flirting is a sport , a way to keep boredom at bay during work hours.
Plus, what do you have to offer her right now ? You are married . You might try and tell her that you are unhappy in your marriage and you are still with your wife just because of the child blah blah, but you would not be terribly believable. That's what 99% of married men say when they want to cheat.
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A
male
reader, Scienceguy83 +, writes (4 February 2013):
Scienceguy83 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your replies. I do believe she likes me as other men at work flirt with her but she doesn't flirt back. She spends a lot of time in my company and appers to seek me out surely if she was in a happy relationship she wouldn't be doing this.As she doesn't know about my situation should I explain it and see what she says? She doesn't know I'm not happy in my marriage.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (4 February 2013):
Are you sure you aren't the one being led on ?
She is 19, she is pretty, she likes to flirt, she laps up the attention. She has a boyfriend- and now a married older guy who makes googly eyes at her , thing which gives her some clout with her friends. Are you sure that in this very moment she is not bragging with said friends about the pathetic married guy who's trying so hard to impress her ?...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2013): You should let go of any hopes with her. She has a boyfriend and you have a wife.
If you are serious about ending your marriage then put your money where your mouth is and get divorced before you start fretting about other women. But you might want to stay away from girls who already have boyfriends or you might find the boyfriend and his mates showing up at your home one of these days and it won't be just to have a coffee.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (4 February 2013):
 I am not one to get angry about what strangers do but reading the whole thing it makes it more wrong because 1) the divorce is not final, 2) she has a boyfriend. Get the divorce, child custody issues over with then you are free to look for single available people.
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