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male
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*'msolost
writes: Hi, I've just recently been dumped by my girlfriend of 6 months, who I am madly in love with. Our relationship has sort of been one-sided with her always being the one who was in control of us staying together. From the beginning she was very busy with other things with school and such, and because of this, I think, she told me on several occasions that I might want to find someone else, that I deserve better. I don't think it was really trying to break up because she didn't want to be with me, it was that she told me she was afriad of having a lot to do all the time and having a relatively long distance relationship didn't help either. Over time though, things got better and her workload got smaller. During that time, she told me that she loved me and that she realized that I was the only one for her. Because of this, I got more and more attached to her because I felt the same way she said she did. As more time went by, however, she was on and off being distant/close and loving with me until she told me that she realized she had been was lying to herself about her feelings and was confused about the chemistry between us. She tells me that sometimes when we kiss, she doesn't feel anything. That's when she broke up with me. We talk actively every day still, and try to see each other to hang out maybe as a little more than friends. I still am having a lot of trouble getting over that she doesn't love me in the intimate way i love her. Even though we still talk, I feel as though part of me is missing. She tells me that she wants to be single for right now, but that she might want to get back together with me later. She also says that she was getting tired of being in a one-sided relationship (as far as control goes).My first question stems from the relationship being one sided in her being in control, or the strong bond that held us together. Her telling me to find some else always made me the one who asks to stay together and work things out as well as made me fear confrontations with her because of what she might do. I realize that I was stupid and have learned that I shouldn't do that again. That ended up being good for neither of us, and I think that it may be part of the probelm. She knows that I love her very much still and that I want to get back together whenever she is ready, but I think if I am completly at her will, and she knows it, I'll just end up in the same situation. I was wondering what I could do, in the course of us being apart, to sort of balence out my role to make it more equal?That brings up my second question: Is it smart to continue on like this, waiting for the right time to be together with her? I trust her with this, being that we both agreed that we think it's more like a break. To make things more confusing, she tells me that she "loves me as a person" and still tells me that she loves me, only it's in this different way. I try asking her what she means and how she feels about me but she only tells me that she is confused but still thinks that there might be something between us. Answers to my questions would be very helpful as well as any other advice, I am in desperate need.Thank you
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2008): Sometimes it's so hard to understand what is happening. I've been friends/together with my best friend for a few years... he was always pushing for more, even when I had a boyfriend, and he was part of the reason my boyfriend and I split up. However, if one person is always pushing for committment, it can be so scary for the other person that they will make promises they don't intend to keep, just to stop things from hurting someone they care about... it makes it complicated, and sometimes people just need space. She can't help it if she's a mess in her head, she need your support.
A
male
reader, i'msolost +, writes (18 March 2006):
i'msolost is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi again... if anyone else gets around to reading this... something that happened today have changed everything. In my last post I mentioned the guy she has been having feelings for, and that she no longer had them. I've come to find this was another one of her lies, being that she TOLD me that she had unprotected sex with this guy, no birth conrol or anything just today after she get off the phone with me. She gave me horribly grafic details about it, something that she might tell to a girlfriend, not to me knowing how I feel. Seeing that I was upset by this she told me "sorry baby" in a sympathetic manner. I have lost all my respect for her especially because the guy gets around alot, and she knows this. Giving her up has been hard, and i've stuck in with her, but this is the last straw. Her stepping on my feelings, whether intentionally or otherwise shows that she has no respect for me either. If she wanted to be with other people, I wish she would have told me so, instead of telling me she loves me every night, most agrivatingly the night before. She even listens to our song on the phone with me. I don't quite know what her probelm is, but if anyone else comes across this topic, I would appriacite it if anyone could tell me, because i'msolost... and I don't understand how the girl who I thought was the love of my life could be so could hearted. Furthermore, what does she want with me even? Does she enjoy hurting me? She told me that she didn't know if having sex with this guy was wrong or not, knowing full well the she is just a booty call to him, even after him reafirming this with her before she left. I know that she will keep doing this to me and I am going to put a stop to it. Im posting this partly to give an update, but mainly to see if anyone has had a similiar experience and could shed some light on the situation, because no matter how much I may resent her, after knowing her so well, i just can't see her as cold blooded as this sounds. Thanks again jess18maine, minaah, and those who wish to remain anonymous, part of me wishes that I had listened to some of you and stopped talking to her sooner, but a greater part is glad that I stuck around to see how all this played out. I blame myself for this too, I let myself listen to her lies and get more attached again. Even after writting all this, I know that I still love her unfortunatly, but I won't let her do this to me anymore. Thank you for listening to me vent my frustration, any more feedback telling me i'm an idiot/helping me figure her out I will gladly read.
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A
male
reader, i'msolost +, writes (15 March 2006):
i'msolost is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, sry i took a few days to get back and that you for all the advise... been having more and more confusing times with her. One thing that i forgot to mention is that she, the day before she dumped me, almost slept with someone else who is a close friend of hers. It's obvious that he just wants to be friends with benefits while he is not busy. This guy seemed to be a probelm throughout our dating because he comes after her every time he has no other female interest at the time, or the girl doesn't have any in him. Now she tells me that she is over him, and I've noticed that she has started to show more interest in me. Just today he came after her again, and she declined. She finally got over him after she dumped me, go figure. You may be thinking that I am an idiot for not dumping her myself, but She tells me more now that she loves and and said that she doesn't know what she'd do without me. I have this bad habit of being too trusting and because I believe her, knowing that she might turn around on me again with her feelings. I am not mad at her for any of this because I do see that she is just as confused at this as I am. I have no other interest in other girls right now, i've thought about that. Because of this I think that I am going to stick it out and see where the next few weeks lead me.
Just thought I'd give an update, add a few things, and see what other advise I might get, the more opinions the better really, I'm still pretty up in the air about all of this. Whatever I choose, I know that I still want to be her friend, oddly enough she has become my best friend, so i don't want to just give up all contact with her. I think maybe I will just talk to her less, and as a good point stated, less around her shedule. I am working on how to stand up to her in a way that hurts her as little as I can. She has told me that knowing how I feel about her makes her love me even more. That being said, it is a delicate situation. I still want to let her know I care and that I love her, but also that I'm not going to sit around forever while she toys with me. Thanks again everyone.
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A
female
reader, jess18maine  +, writes (13 March 2006):
 Dear Male Reader,
I feel so bad that you have to go though this. It must be horriable to love sumone and no fully get it back. I just gave the same words ur g/f gave you to my b/f and basically told him that I loved him but was not him love with him. I told him that he was a great person and so on... and he his, Hes wonderful. But I was just not feeling what I was suppose to but I think I'm stringing him alone b/c I don't want to give him up, I dont want sum other girl to have him. I know that I'm being greedy and that he's never going to get a chance to live and find sumone to fully love him unless I let go and I know I have to because what I'm doing is wrong but trust me its so heard to let go and I feel like I'm making the wrong decision but i dont know what else to do. I'm worryed I'll let him go and then when hes gone and dose get the "backbone" he wont want me back when I finally do relize that hes the one for me. I want him to be the one for me but hes just not and I guess I have to accept that. So I guess all I'm saying is I'm sorry and I hope it works out for you. I do understand that she just can't give you any anwsers because she does not have ne for her self and Hun get a back bone dont let her push you around. I agree with female reader number one, she seems to know what shes talking about. In her longer middle paragraph she explains what the girl is most likly feeling. I also agree with the other readers "you do desever better." I'm sorry that she is doing this to you and that I'm doing it to my guy.
Good Luck and The best advice is for you to
-Follow Ur Heart-
Sinserley,
Another Female HeartBreaker
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2006): I've been there man..and I am still there..You have to tell her either stay or go..and tell her that this is important to you, but you won't be there for her anymore, you won't talk to her on her time, ect..if she truely doesn't want to be with you like you want with her..Tell her take care and then leaveeeeeeee for good...Only 2 things can happen and both are good..you get over it and meet someone who is really good for you or she realizes that she is wrong and comes back..you win both ways..Right now, you are losing in every way possible.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2006): No. Don't carry on like this. It will be really hard, but you need to stop talking to this girl and get over her.The thing is, I'm sure she does really love you. But NOT in the way that she should or that she needs to. Trust me. Relationships can end or go on pause for a lot of reasons that make it still possible that things would be sorted out. Your situation is not one of those. I've done the same things as your gf in the past, so I really do recognize this. Trust me.The thing is, she obviously really cares about you. So breaking up was really hard for her. She can appreciate all the things about you that make you so great, and there's this part of her that keeps hoping that over-the-moon feeling she's supposed to be having will suddenly appear. She's wondering if maybe there's just something wrong with her - you're such a great guy, why isn't she more crazy about you? She's probably been thinking a lot about whether she's just fickle, or whether maybe this is normal ... maybe everyone has doubts about their reltaionships from time to time. The thing is, she's wrong in all of those things. The problem is simply that you are not the guy for her. This won't be of any consolation to you, but you should realize that this really is one of those situations where it's not you, it's her. If she didn't realize how great you are, she'd have been able to just break up with you cleanly. Since she does, she's being kind of selfish - stringing you along, happy to keep you on the back burner while she looks for something better. She probably doesn't even realize that this is what she's doing, but it is.The way to "take back control" of this relationship is to stop obsessing over it - she obviously has. And I don't mean stop acting like you're obsessing over it - I mean actually stop obsessing over it.Getting over someone you really loved is really hard. But it happens, eventually. Stop talking with her and hanging around her. You need to get her out of your life, and you need to move on. Some where out there is a love for you that will be equal - this one's not it.
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A
female
reader, minaah +, writes (11 March 2006):
if i was u i would move on she dosent care about u shes using you she is only playing aroung with your feelings and its not proper confrontation is da best solution at the moment good luck minaahp.s u do deserve a lot better xxxxxxxxxxxxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2006): She's confused about how she feels about YOU. She's missing the spark, the bliss that makes someone drop most everything and focus on the relationship. And that's scary for both of you. I'm doing the same thing to a wonderful man. I "love him as a person"....but I am not in love with him. I sometimes wish he would walk away and tell me that my confusion and uncertainty is not good enough for him. I wish that he desired more for himself and acted upon it. If he did show me a 'backbone' so to speak, I may be more likely to want to be in a relationship with him. Your girlfriend sounds like an independent, smart, and communicative woman. And, because I too am all of those things, I'll tell you straight up, that no woman wants a puppy dog for a man. But nor do we want a cold hearted, d**k either. You have to find the balance, and a good start would be to take care of yourself, advocate for your needs. And if she wants to remain in this unequal relationship, giving less than 100% because you're giving 200, please walk away nicely and with love. Always maintain your integrity and respect for her, but let her know that you have one life and it's important for you to be with someone who loves you for you, and is not cautious that she's missing out on better things. If you do this tactfully, and without any attempt at manipulation, it's likely that she'll come back. And if she doesn't, then hooray for you. You can't live on eggshells forever.
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