A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:*OP's Original Title*Hi. I've known this girl for 4 months; I'm 39 and she is 26; I work with her. We hanged out mostly in groups and she is the type of girl who has lots of male friends; we also hanged out together on a few occasions going for a coffee and eating at her place and my place. I flirted a lot with her: told her that I do not know whether to date her or adopt her, that she is beautiful, etc; she enjoyed it a lot; I also flirted with her in front of other friends; she also used to say things like she just dressed like that for me (she used to come beautifully dressed when going out with friends), etc. But I also gave her mixed messages like told her that I was not available, etc. I even showed her a picture together with a female friend of mine whom I had visited a week ago; she knew that the girl on the picture was just a friend. Way earlier, she also told me that there was not one under her radar (when I asked whether she was interested in someone). A month ago, when she left for a two week trip, I told her that I will miss her on various occasions; she told me once that she will miss me and that things will not be the same without me. While she was gone, I wrote her emails but she only answered to one of them and I was a little mad about it; when she came back, I told her that I was a little mad she did not write me, specially knowing that she knows I miss her; and she got emotional and she said that such will not happen again; she was very receptive and open. That day we also made jokes and I told her that I was not available when she alluded jokingly to the age difference; I did that kind of in a defensive way; and I also told her that I did not want to be one more of her many friends... But from then on things started to change and she started to decline any attempt of mine of hanging out with her or even walk her home; now there's no emails, no skype text conversations like we used to have, no text messages, etc. I saw her yesterday with a group of friends and I behaved naturally and making the same jokes I used to make; she seemed a little annoyed but still laughed. But definitely she is not the same and I feel her far away. My theory is that she thinks I like her more than friends (because I had tried to go for a walk with her and I told her I cared about her and missed her, etc.) Probably after adding two and two she realized that all the flirting was for serious or something. I did not know whether I wanted a romantic relationship with her; I really appreciated for what she is and her personality and we had so many things in common; I admired her a lot. She was a great person to joke around and be around. But her behaviour now makes me think she probably thinks I like more than a friend and she got scared or something; but we are talking about a very independent girl with a masters degree and professional, etc. Any ideas on what could be going on? Like the only time she contacted me through skype was a few days ago when there was an earthquake and she asked me whether I felt that; but I know that the conversations with our other friends are ongoing and open all the time. Any input will be appreciated!This is the skype conversation we had just before things started to come down:ME, whar r u up today | Her: working on an assignment. probably through the evening,. you? | Me: was thinking about going for a walk; weather if good; intetested to take a break? | her: would've loved to but cant afford a break. | Me: :( | Her: im kinda screwed with this work | Me: sorry :( | Her: im sorry. enjoy ur walk though.| Me: no problem; hope you are not taking revenge lol | Her: revenge against what? | Me: against my being a little mad at you or turning down your invitation last week | Her: no no. im seriosuly screwed and im not petty and revengeful like you | Me: actually i felt sorry for not making time when you told me last week to finish my work so we can "hang out" | Her: :) |Me: oh my gosh; im not like that | Her: im kidding. | Me: you know how much I care about you. anyways, just to let you know that I'm there and I will let it be; when you are free and/or feel you want to hangout, let me know | Her: thanlks a lot! have fun in the meantime, ill see you saturday for sure. | me: ok!. take care and do not stress too much busy bee. later [saturday we had a group activity]Thank you for your input.
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a break, flirt, I work with, mixed messages, revenge, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your responses.
Anonymous, hes backing off is what I've been doing; we do share lots of interests and some of our friends; we like similar things and she had dated guys older than her. But that does not necessarily mean that she likes me, of course. Hopefully my backing off will result in something that could lead us to the friendship we had or something else. Yes, I feel lonely sometimes but the obsession is the problem.
koojoe, that is a great point; I would like to know her better and have a romantic relation with her.
anonymous, Im scared of asking her out but, if the appropriate chance comes, I will do it; Im the only one she flirts with like that and she was taking it amazingly; she does like attention from guys though.
celtic, Im so sorry you are on the other end of a maybe similar situation; yes, they say to always tell the truth; but it is difficult as we are also afraid to being hurt and I had my share of huge dissapointments; you see, now, Im more than 50% sure that she does not want a relationship so that makes me the victim and I assume that anything I do or do not do does not have any negative impact on her; that is my reasoning; sometimes, like after reading your answer, I doubt my conclusion and think it twice; so to ask her and be rejected it would be a negative experience; I will see whether there's a good opportunity to talk to her and tell her, at least in a subtle way; one of the reasons, to make sure she is not hurting. Hope things work OK for you.
A
female
reader, celtic_tiger  +, writes (27 June 2010):
 As a woman who has been and is still on the other end of something similar PLEASE make your intentions known to her.Because if she thinks there could be something there, dont let her get so attached to you that you hurt her. Right now, my life is crashing about my ears because I love him, and he appears to be giving me signals, but then I dont know. Be honest with her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2010): Hm, you could be right and she doesn't want to be more than friends and now she's backing away.
OR it could be that she thought that there was something going on between you two, but you didn't act on it and now she's confused. And out of confusion, she's backing off to protect herself. Especially if you are giving her mixed signals.
(Please note that inaction when it seems like there should have been action, and giving mixed signals can be a turn off... Stop making jokes about the age difference or any other reason you feel insecure regarding why the relationship might not work).
From your skype conversation, she seems amiable enough. So what's the risk if you just straight out ask her out on a date? Would it cause some sort of problem at work? At this point, if you really like her and want to be with her, you might have to say something to her, otherwise it seems like you are both just the flirtatious type.
Again, hard to gauge exactly how she feels. Maybe first find out how she treats and acts around other guys before making the move.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, koojoe +, writes (27 June 2010):
Crikey - Nevermind what's going on with the girl...what is YOU want from her?
I've read your post twice and cannot fathom what you are after from her - friendship or dating?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2010): She does not seem to want you as a friend or dating partner. She seems to be a nice person, as you describe her and she is trying to tell you in a nice way. If you are hanging out with her group of friends and they are her age, she is probably talking to them about you. You are perusing her and it may be creeping her out. Back off and see what happens. If she wants to be friends or more, she will let you know. You can't make her want what you want.
Ask your self these questions to gain some clarity - do you have anything in common with this girl besides you attraction to her; look at her friends, are they anything like you in age, activities, interest etc; are you at the same stages in your lives? You said she is beautiful and has a lot of male attention, if she wanted to date anyone she would.
You sound lonely and in need of female companionship with someone who is interested in yoiu. I thiunk yoiu are wasting your time obsesing over this girl.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI had forgot to mention that, besides the times we hanged out together, we also hanged out with a common friend of us; she would text him so he could join some of our activities; but, as I had said, there were many times we spent time together. I do not think there's something happening between them, they are just good friends; nor she has someone else. The new thing is that her mother is coming to visit her and she might be afraid of me making my jokes in front of her or something.
Another thing is that when we met yesterday with a group (see post), I was leaving and asked her to give her my number to another female friend of ours, and she jokingly said that she had erased my phone number from her phone.
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