A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I was in a relationship for 3 years. The first year was amazing we loved and cared about each other so much always showing affection and always trying to please each other, the second and third was up and down, and now this last month and a half it all came crashing down. She started acting distant, stopped showing signs of affection, was saying i love you low and quick when we got off the phone, kept wanting to go out with her friends all the time, would sleep when she came over my house but was bubbly with friends. All these signs and more. I have been somewhat controlling and jealous throughout the relationship which i now regret and was wrong and i feel could have pushed her away because of my insecurities of losing her. This last month because of the way she was acting I was extremely paranoid. Constantly calling, wondering what she was doing, she was hanging out with her guy friend constantly and it would make me extremely irritated and jealous. Mostly because she was acting indifferent toward me yet seemingly having fun with this dam guy while i was at work. Anyway long story as short as i can make it, she tells me she needs space, shes confused, etc, etc, i beg her not to leave. I tell her please just talk to me tommorow on your own and tell me you would never cheat on me and you love me b/c i have lost confidence and trust in you because of the lack of affection and wierdness youve been having toward me. Just do that for me and i wont be so nervous about you all the time. So the next day instead of reassuring me to trust her which i now feel she shouldnt have to do, she breaks up with me. I felt my entire body being crushed and i thought i was going to die, my worst nightmare and realty. I cried and begged and cried and begged. She said I just dont see you as a boyfriend anymore, i love you but im not in love with you, she cried, i cried, my car was in the shop at the time so she had to take me home, she came in and cried and said all i ever wanted to do was marry you and have your children and she cried and said her goodbyes and it was the worst experience of my life. She goes home and calls me that night saying it was a mistake and she loves me and she was feeling confused and is 100% sure she wants to be with me. I was so happy and releived it was unbelievable. The next day she breaks the news all over again that she was having those feelings again and she really doesnt want to be with me she thinks and she is confused. We talked on the phone for a week, me going back and forth from begging and trying to act like everythings fine. I saw her on a couple of occasions by saying lets just go out as friends you are my best friend, in the hopes she will come back. So i come over and shes getting ready to go out with her friends, completely blows me off and tells me she doesnt like being around me. Completely rejected. I tried another day and bought her a necklace as a symbol of a new beggining, she said shes not ready. Another day took her to the movies bought her food, etc, took her home and she said she wanted to go with her friends. Then days were passing, she wouldnt pickup my calls only call at night when she was lonely and i would tell her i love her and shed say i know you do, i miss you and shed say i know you do. We talked for a half hour to an hour getting along talking about our days every night for a few nights, trying to avoid the relationship talk. Every day at work for me was an emotional rollercoaster from hope to dispair to depression to anxiety, to hope. So eventually i just called her up and said listen i dont want to put pressure on you but you have to give me an answer today if you want to be with me or not, she was with a friend and said okay ill give you an answer tonight. I said ill be there around 7 after work, she said okay well talk about it then. So this is on my mind all day and im dying to just see her, 645 im at her house nobody is there, i call her several times and a half hour passes she doesnt pickup. I finally call from her house phone and she picks up, says hey what are you doing at my house?, i said we made plans to talk, where are you, shes like oh on my way to the mall sorry, i said im going home, she said okay, i said listen DONT call me anymore, she answers okayyy, so i hang up. At that point i just felt used and disguited with the whole situation while she was going out having fun with her friends planning to go upstate with them this weekend and treating me like a doormat while im going through turmoil without eating or sleeping or anything. So i stuck to my guns and she called me like usual that night at 12am and i didnt answer, she called mabye 50 times between my house phone and my cellphone, i kept hanging up and ignoring, talk to her why?, to boost her ego a little? I wasnt going for it. So anyway 2 full days after that i still didnt answer her calls and she called all throught the days constantly. Finally friday night came and she was on her way to go upstate with her friends, so she left me a message saying ive been trying to call you for the past 2 days you wont answer so im going to stop calling if you want to talk call me. She sounded a little mad. She left a previous message the first night apologizing about blower me off and that it was wrong and that she wanted to say goodbye the right way. Anyway shes upstate now and she hasnt called which i expected. When she gets back im almost positive the calling will begin again. I really really feel like i want and need her back, even though she totally has disrespected me the past couple of weeks. I know she never ever would have expected me to not answer her calls esspecially after being so desperate. Anyway my plan is to continue not answering any of her calls at all, and if she really wants to be with me she will show up at my house. Is that a good idea?, Is she playing games?, whats going on? Why did she call so much? she had said several times she couldnt imagine not ebing able to talk or see me ever again and she feels like shes repressing feelings for me and theyre eventually going to come back, is that just her way of stringing me along or is that even possible?, i need advice pleaseee
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at work, best friend, confidence, crush, I love you, jealous, needs space Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2007): Listen to Dry Your Eyes Mate by The Streets. It won't make you feel any better though!
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (2 September 2007):
 This may not be the advice you want to hear, but, in my humble opinion, the relationship is well over and you should move on.
It's obvious that she loved you. But, the love isn't there anymore, and she made that clear to you when she broke up. All the events from that moment on have been due to the fact that you find it extremely hard to accept it's over, and to the fact that she feels awful to have told you so. I'm so, so sure that she's made it all the more painful in giving you hope, or in not giving a clear signal; but, for someone who sees the relationship from outside, it's clear that she is trying to find a way out that won't hurt that much.
What you see as her stringing you along is her trying to find a way to dump you without pain, as if that were possible.
I suppose that meeting her in person would be out of the question now. So, if I were you, I would write her a letter, or leave her a message or something, explaining that you understand the relationship is over, you feel sorry about everything you did wrong, and that you won't be looking to be with her or receive her calls in the future, as it's evident that this situation is making you two miserable and it should end. And then, man, go away and stay there. Like happytochat said, you depend a lot on this girl; try not to repeat that mistake in the future.
In the end, your memory of her will be one of love and care. Take my word for it. Just let it go now.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (2 September 2007):
Wow...thats a very confusing and horrible situation to be in. I too have had similar expeirences that you are having unfortunately.
First off I have to point out that it seems to me that your are very dependent on this girl. You mentioned you have insecurities that led to you controllng her and being jealous...so to me this would explain why it is so hard for you to move on from someone who has shown you so much disrespect lately. You depend on her to feel good about yourself right?
Honestly, she seems to be very confused to me. She could be playing games, but do you really think shes that much of a bad person to purposly hurt you like this? Only you can be the judge of that. Sometimes people jsut make really bad decisions and dont think about others...and to me thats probably what this situation is. But what I think is clear that is she is putting herself and her own emotions/feelings before yours. And thats not right. She should be thinking about you too. The fact that you guys arranged to meet up at 7pm so she culd give you an answer and she didnt turns up is really disrespectful. However perhaps she was still confused and was trying to find a way around about not talking about it just yet? But if this was the case then she should of just been honest and said shs still not sure, despite you telling her you need a answer now. Mind you, I can understnad how you were feeling. Its hard waiting on a answer about whether or not someone wnats to continue going out with you. Ive been through that, its horrible.
Why did she call so much? perhaps she felt guilty about what she did? or maybe she couldnt handle that you were ignoring her? she can dish it out but cant take it.
In all honestly, if i was you I would try moving on from this girl...I know you lvoe her but sometimes love isnt enough for a relationship to work. She clearly isnt sure how she feels, so perhaps you guys need a break. And do you really want to be with someone who messes you around like that? Who doesnt have the decency to answer there phone and so on?
As for your plan...i think if you do that you are just playing games like her...be honest. decice how you feel. and tell her. and tell her you wont accept these stupid games shes playing. if you choose to give her another go and she continues to mess you around then i think you have to take that as a sign that shes not good enough for you and leave. there is someone out there who wont mess you around like this.
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A
male
reader, Escalaya +, writes (2 September 2007):
 I think your judgement is sound, stick to your guns man, she might be stringing you along, and whether she really makes the effort or not will be the test, i suppose.
Best of luck, take care bro.
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