A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend has a female friend of 8 yrs whom hes very close to. This send off red flags because he seems to like her more than friends.. although she is dating too but he's just always happy to see her everytime.. like tonight, he told me that she will be coming over his house around 7:30pm so he will have to call me later or when theyre done talking. Hes very concerned that this will make me suspicious or jealous so he kept re-assuring me that he is not attracted to her-- its purely friendship. I tried to understand although I WAS REALLY concern that he can just set me aside so he can have time with her. I TRIED CALLING HIM AROUND 9PM HE Answered the phone but seems very cold.... when I asked him if I am disturbing him.. he said "shes still here" that just doesnt sit right to me... we ended up having a discussion, infront of her, I said hes being rude and disrespectful to me... its like he is showing her that I dont matter that hes not loving towards me or anything. It has a ver bad ending I ended up saying I have to go and hung up on him... I was crying the whole time... I dont want to lose this relationship. Should I trust him when he said that she is nothing but a friend? I cant seem to trust his word. But I dnt want him taking me for granted just because of her. When i asked him "is it going to be like this from now on? that you will put me aside so you can spend time with her everytime she wants to see you"? he just get upset and said he is not doing anything wrong...please help!!!! Thank you so much to all that will post their comment.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2011): Thanks for the response. He told me I was reading too much into his friendship with her. He said she loves her new boyfriend and would never jeopardize her relationship with me by wanting to be with him. He said next time she wants to see him I will be joining them so as not to have any suspicion. He said he wants to be with me and not with her. That he will never be attracted to her. thats she's just a friend.. and once we both move to vegas that he will never have contact with her anymore (we are in california) and he purchased a home in vegas for both of us. He said he wouldn't want to move to vegas if I am not in his life. that i will regret if I break up with him just because I am jealous of his friendship with her....p.s. caseymarie... I'm so sorry about your situation with your boyfriend, I hope that you will have the wisdom to do the right thing and the courage to act upon what's good for you
A
female
reader, caseymarie +, writes (5 May 2011):
I feel your pain! my bf has alot of female friends, younger female friends! My belly would get twisted every time he was even on the phone with some of them. One girl was real bad, to the point that she would get upset when he would play with my son. She would follow him around like a lost puppy! UGH! I still to this day (2 yrs later) have no proof that anything has ever happened between them, trust me I try to read between every line to find just one simple thing. Now, a few of the others he was oh so close to were not around as often, but, come to find out he cheated a few times. One girl even I knew for 15 years! My point is.... You never know! Dont let yourself be drug around like you dont matter! You are somebody important! You gotta be sure though. Look for the little things. Without the little things its hard to see the big picture. In the beginning of our relationship I noticed he was on the computer all the time. I found emails from girls on dating sites... I used my girls email address an emailed him. within less then 24 hours the girl emailing him (me) had a sex date set up! Going to his house in the bed that I sleep in with him when I was there. POINT BEING You are not doing anything wrong checking up on him. you need to protect yourself (an your kids if you have any). If you dont find anything then just let it be, but, if you find anything then you gotta do what you feel you gotta do.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2011): Look it could be what you think but I'd give him the benefit of the doubt until you know more and get more evidence.
That email could just mean that he misses being close to her in the sense that friendships always suffer a bit when one of both friends are in relationships.
Just take care OP and keep your guard up a little. It's unlikely stuff will happen between them but he also could be on the verge if not already emotionally cheating on you with her.
That email is suspect and the behaviour towards the boyfriend doesn't sound too good. Keep your eyes open OP and watch your back. If you get the feeling in your gut that they're just too close, if you have that already and you're sure about it then act on it. Don't be his second best while he waits for this girl to become single again.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks to everyone who had responded to my question. the reason why I am fraking out is because he had sent her an email before that says "I am thinking of you eventhough I am dating again" that really sends off a red flag for me... I have male friends but I will not email them like that because it seems very suggestive... when I got the courage to asked him about it he said she seems jealous that she doesnt see him or talked to him that much anymore since he started dating me... So it seems that he is trying to make her feel better regardless that it hurt me... I feel like his female friend feels sorry for me now because it is her that he is thinking even if he's with me already... I dont know... I really want this relationship work but sometimes no matter how much he re-aasures me that she's nothing but a friend still he's actions speaks louder than his words... He also seems jealous of her boyfriend. He just hates the guy! If she is your friend shouldnt you be happy for her? It seems to me that he doesnt want her to be happy w/him... thanks everyone for taking the time to answer my question. i appreciate it
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (5 May 2011):
 I agree with all but one of the responses. OP you really need to work on the clinginess/self-esteem/controling issues or you'll find yourself in the same boat repeatedly.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2011): Sorry to say this OP but if you were my girlfriend, you'd be my ex after that little charade.
8 years she's his friend, if they had anything more than friendship he'd be with her not you. That's the end of it. Stop being so jealous, possessive, melodramatic, controlling and hyper sensitive. I mean you're FREAKING OUT (so much that you even used caps lock in your question) If you can't chill and trust him then he's going to dump you.
Frankly OP my next sentence to you would be "we have to talk".
As for LonelyGal85's advice, I think the username says it all (no offence).
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (5 May 2011):
 "A man and woman cannot just be friends"
Utterly ridiculous statement.
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A
female
reader, LonelyGal85  +, writes (5 May 2011):
You are so right to be upset. A man and woman cannot just be friends and no woman should come before you. You should be the only woman in his life. This is so wrong and it is very disrespectful...u should come first not her. That is so rude. You need to cut him loose before u get hurt.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj +, writes (5 May 2011):
8 years he's known her... If you don't want to lose this relationship- don't come between him and a long term mate.
That's relationship suicide.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (5 May 2011):
 You knew your boyfriend was having a visitor, who he wanted to talk to, and he told you what time she would be there, and that he would call you when he was done talking to her.
You ignored the fact he was going to call you and called him first, knowing his visitor would still be there. When you asked if you were disturbing him, and he answered "she is still here" you should have said, sorry, I'll speak with you later, and hung up. But no, you started telling him HE WAS DISRESPECTFUL huh? You were the disprespectful one, you are the one who ignored the fact he was going to be busy, you are the one who interupted his conversation with a friend, and then insisted on discussing things when she was there, and you are the one who hung up crying.
I am with him, he didnt do anything wrong, he let you know up front he would be talking to his friend, you had no respect for that friendship or for him.
I think you owe him, and her, an apology.
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