A
male
age
41-50,
*luenest
writes:Hi, I have been dating my gf for more than 2 years now and we are deeply in love.We have a great sense of understanding. Recently her job took her to another city. We do keep in touch daily. Now, the problem is her colleague is really interested in her. He even proposed to her. She even told him that she has a bf and is committed. He visits her work place daily from another branch just to see her.He also told her to delete my pics from her phone and also keeps cursing me and my ethnicity. she told him she still loved me no matter what. During a casual talk with friends, she told him she ll be having a baby with me after marriage to which he replied... if he was in my place he would have given her a baby immediately. I felt offended by this though she says he said it jokingly.He draws a salary much much higher than me. My gf had been to pubs thrice with him along with her female friends.The problem now is he keeps showering her with expensive gifts(a particular brand she loves dearly) and my gf says she didnt ask for it. but keeps accepting it. Is this right on her part?I know she is loyal to me. She tells me everything and even showed me the gifts immediately.I just feel disrespected when she accepts gifts from a guy who keeps abusing me. He is basically trying his best to steal her away from me. Is my gf right or is she wrong? Is it her duty to put an end to this?I would really appreciate some valuable suggestions. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (10 September 2014):
 She should not be accepting gifts from this man. She needs to send him a clear signal that his behaviour is unacceptable, but it seems she doesn't mind it which is not good.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2014): If she's serious about your relationship then she needs to seriously grow a backbone and tell this guy "NO!"Yes she should stop accepting any gifts and return those he leaves for her, she shouldn't meet up with him - with friends or not - because it is quite clear she is the reason he would be there. Or if its unavoidable she should simply be courteous, say hello how are you...but then walk away. She's not sending a very clear message that she wants him to stop because she's accepting the gifts!!I couldn't care less if a man was given me gifts of something I liked, they'd be straight back to him. But then I would never give another man cause to send me gifts as it's quite clear I love my husband dearly. I cannot understand how a man has proposed to her, if they have only been out socially three times? It's all very odd.Regardless of that, yes it's her responsibility to make it very clear she's not interested. Generally I think women are approached by guys more than guys are by girls, so she needs to learn how to be polite and defect peoples attentions as it is inevitable in relationships you will be approached. She needs to learn how to handle that and deal with it maturely. I quite simply mention my husband, if a guy were to talk about films or so thing I'd just say "oh yeah, my husband took me to see that...." Or something similar. It's easily done early in conversation. There's nothing wrong with being friendly and having guys as friends but it's about making sure everything is purely platonic.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 September 2014):
 Fine. Maybe she is just naive. Maybe she is just a big attention seeker. Then you just need to remind her that she can't accept gifts ( and valuable gifts, too ) from another man while she is in a committed relationship, because that's tacky, inappropriate, disrespectful to the official partner ( you ) - and the other guy can easily misconstrue that as an encouragement of his attentions ( what else should he think, if she keeps accepting stuff ). If this guy's attentions are unwanted- she simply needs to tell him "Sorry, your attentions are unwanted ". How hard is that to do / understand ?
On the other hand, I would not push the pedal on the group otings thing. She should not go out one on one with him, of course, but if they all work together and she is going out with the other girls and THEY invite him, or he is tagging along- I feel it's too drastic and unnecessarily hostile for your bf to have to say " no if he is going to be thre, I can't be thre too ".
Your gf is an adult, she should alreday know, or anyway she can learn to draw safe boundaries. I don't think you want to shield her all her life ( how could you , even if you would ) from being around / in the same venue as other males, who could possibly hit on her or try and court her. ... There are men everywhere 1 The problem is , that she should be able to go out with friends and colleagues, socialize, and have fun, without crossing certain lines.
It sounds like the idea of her being out with other men ( even in a group ) makes you anxious and insecure- so she feels she has to fib to avoid every time a big freak out from you. Not the best policy- honesty is always the best policy, then again I understand how your anxiety can have become bothersome.
In some occasions, like the random, once in a while, outing with girlfriends- perhaps it's better you all adopt an " ask me no questons, I'll tell you no lies " attitude. Don't pester her with tons of calls when she's at the pub, and she won't need to DODGE your calls :).
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A
female
reader, mizz.butterflies  +, writes (10 September 2014):
 Tell her
1) to return the gifts
2) to stop meeting him outside the office.
in other words, man up
otherwise... ur gf is taking u for granted.
i also suggest u go to her city for the weekened and deal with the guy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2014): I think she loves you, is loyal, but she's liking the attention. Also, I think she's waiting for you to "fight for her" kind of thing. Tell her and show her you won't allow any man to take her from you. You have to tell her point blank to stop accepting gifts from him, to limit her time with him (just when it's strictly business), etc.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (10 September 2014):
Your gf is not loyal, because accepting expensive gifts- from another man, whom she knows is trying to win her over , is disloyal in itself.
Yes, she should put a stop to this and yes , she should refuse his gifts withoit even being told or prompted by you.
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A
male
reader, bluenest +, writes (10 September 2014):
bluenest is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThough it is a long distance relationship for now, i ll be moving there soon with her, probably a month. She herself keeps forcing me to come to her soon.i had even asked her if she is still interested in me. I even told her if she has found someone better, she just has to tell me and i ll forgive her and move on, to which she started crying and said she still loves me very much and cant live without me. we have even planned getting married and we do discuss this daily. she still begs me not to leave her or she ll be devastated.we skype daily for 3 hours and i can see her love. but other times her communication is bad. it confuses me. She does have lack of sleep only to skype with me(out of her will).Thrice it has happened that she went out to pub with him and other female colleagues without informing me. When i confronted her the next day she lied she was sick or gave some excuses. but when i pressurized her she accepted and said she was scared to tell me even though i never stopped her from enjoying. she didnt answer my calls from the pub coz she was scared even though she is aware i wudnt sleep the whole night and would be worried about her.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (10 September 2014):
 I don't think she needs to do anything. However, I think you may need to do something, like split up. She's not Respecting you and in light of that you nee to move on.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (10 September 2014):
 She did not have sex with him, but she is waiting for a time to be convinced that she wants to be with him. She is also deciding if it's better to remain in that city. It is her duty to show her she's not interested in hanging out with him because this is giving him welcoming signals. She is being honest with you because she doesn't want you to find out by yourself and also giving you caution ahead of time so that if there is a break up then you won't be scratching your head why. It won't be as a shock. She might even be telling you this to gauge your reaction. At the end this is all about what she wants. She can be really torn by this but it has to be her decision. It is disrespectful to be receiving gifts. That guy does not know you and if he is persistent that's because she is allowing it. He does not know or care who he is offending because your girlfriend is a professional. She has a free will and can make up her mind. The moment he was bashing you based on the little facts she gave him, she should have cut him off. When she didn't, it all showed that she does not have your back and can be taken away at any time. She is not protective of you. When she told you all this but did nothing to stop him it is like a slap across your face and saying you are an idiot to not feel any anger. Yes she still loves you but it won't be long when she will be telling you it's not working due to distance. She told him she still loved you, but her actions were telling him that she's considering him also.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (10 September 2014):
 Your girlfriend is accepting gifts from a man who has proposed to her. You may be deeply in love with her but she is not deeply in love with you.
Sorry.
I think it is time to accept that she chooses the gifts over you.... and end the relationship and find a woman who does appreciate you.
The writing is on the wall, you just need to read it. It's a pity but there it is.
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