A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: Is it Ok to want to be alone all the time? I have a friend (a friendship only) who loves her own company, which us fine, we all do at times.. (she lives alone as do I) but its to the point now where she really geniunely likes being alone, she doesn't hate people she just loves her own company. She travels alone, goes to events alone, loves loves being alone. she sees her family interstate every few weeks but I am her only friend.. She is quieter, (as am I but I am a little more social/outgoing even though I have few friends, who I do see sometimes) Ive known her since we were 6, we went to school and college together and a few yrs later lived in the same city.. (we are over 35 now)We have travelled briefly together years ago.. Nowdays she prefers to be alone,in her own company, she has a kind heart and is shy and quieter, she has a quick temper at times, and is VERY sensitive to any criticism We do meet up every few weeks or so for movies, lunch, dinner etc. We get along, but I feel like maybe she wants her own time lately.. which makes me a little sad. Recently a couple of times she talked about seeing a live theater show in our city. I mentioned that I wouldnt mind seeing it also, then we mentioned meeting up to buy tickets soon. She said it would be good to see together..Last time I saw her, (2 wks ago ) I asked about getting the tickets, and she said she had already booked her own ticket, when I jokingly asked her why she didnt wait for me, she shrugged her shoulders indifferently and said said it was "easier to get just one..." I felt a little offended. Yes she can see it on her own yes its her right.. but.. but we had mentioned a few times seeing it together.. I let it go.. was it ok to feel offended..? I felt she had no regard for me at all, she has done this a few times,with other things we had planned to do, just gone ahead on her own. "one ticket is easy"I like my independence also,Im super independent but.. I do try to think of others feelings.. is she too alone or independent? can she be selfish?a little even..? Sometimes you need to be with people, but at times I wonder if she values me as a friend at all... I know she cares and she has a kind heart esp with her family, but, she doesn't seem to show it with me much, I hoe she cares but I feel she'd rather choose watching her favorite tv show or reading a book over seeing me. cant talk to her as shell get offended.God help me if I ask her to meet up of an evening if a favorite TV show is on.. she'd never think of recording it or watching it online etc.. We all like tv.. and we can all decide our own leisure time, but.. meeting up with a friend is important, isn't it?would it be so bad to miss NCIS or American horror story one week and catch up later? id do it, it's tv! we both work shifts so time is valued to us both. whats the danger of being alone too much?Thankyou for genuine answers
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2014): Some people really are natural hermits. I've seen TV programmes about this where people just close off from others, even family.I do wonder, though, whether her explosive temper means that she has some other personality disorder. It sounds to me like she literally cannot cope with interaction with others, even to the point of buying two tickets instead of one. It may not be an indication of her 'selfishness'/lack of care for you - rather, it could be that she becomes easily stressed by interaction because she is hypersensitive to it. It seems like you are accepted into her life minimally because you've known each other from childhood, whereas others don't get a look in.Also, I know you say she loves her own company - but I do wonder how much of that is to do with feeling happy that she's controlling her own world, not allowing others in. Has anything traumatic happened to her that she could be repressing, but which would make her over-controlling of her relationships with others?As a long standing friend, the only one she has, it's easy to feel that it is your responsibility to help her with any inner problem she may have. But be careful - it's possible she really does need professional help and maybe the best that you can do is to gently but firmly make sure if she needs it or not.Maybe the first point of call is to talk to her gently and calmly about whether she is aware that her own behaviour differs from what most people would consider 'the norm' in terms of how she relates to others. Another key thing would be to really make sure that she is happy or not - she may believe that she is, and could tell you so - if she keeps sticking to that then there's not a lot you can do. On the other hand, she needs to understand that friendship is reciprocal and, if it's hard for you to be around someone who seems so uncaring then you are effectively giving a lot of emotional energy just to tolerate that and try to be her friend. If she's not giving anything back, and not aware that she isn't, then maybe you need to withdraw - otherwise you're simply rewarding bad behaviour from a friend and enabling her to feel that she can continue in this way.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (30 January 2014):
 She doesn't sound like a very good friend if she has explosive temper and is hyper-sensitive. That plus the making plans to go together and then buying her own ticket (which are numbered I'm guessing) and saying it's "easier" is inconsiderate.
I'd stop inviting her places to be honest. I'm sure you have other friends, right? I love going to places alone myself, but if I were making plans to go with a friend, then that's what would happen. It's just as easy to order 2 tickets as it is 1 and get reimbursed, or to get the money before ordering the tickets.
You can tell her how you feel, and if she's hyper sensitive, then she's not your friend. It would hurt my heart to know that I offended a friend, and I'd want to know so I could make it right.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2014): I think you'll have to accept that this is what she has to offer and find other friends to fill in your spare time. You can't really make her see the downsides of being alone if she likes being alone. There's no point. Take what friendship she gives but widen your own social network. It is what it is.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 January 2014):
 The theatre ticket thing is just RUDE. Not socially awkward - just plain bad manners, and I understand that you are annoyed .You have the right to be - and to call her out on her behaviour.
Well, I understand, personally, what she means. It IS so much easier when you go on your own. All the times that I wanted to go see a play or an opera etc and 3 or 4 people wanted to join me- it took so much time and phone calls to agree and coordinate on a date , price range, kind of seats etc. etc. which would please everybody- that in the meantime , MY preferred tickets , with the date seat and price that I would have chosen for myself, were already sold out :). Reason for which, if there 's a show that I really care about seeing, I go alone. BUT I tell it before : " Sorry guys , don't take it personally, but for this time I'd rather to fly solo ". Some friends consider that slightly eccentric, but none ever got offended . I would not dream to keep people hanging for two weeks ( preventing them from making arrangements with other friends , or going to get their own tickets with due advance ) - saying " Ok we'll go together " and then letting it drop and buying herself one ticket is passive aggressive and inconsiderate.
As for the rest, ... I don't know. I'd try to not take it personally if I were you. Everybody is different, and the desired - or actually tolerated - levels of closeness and intimacy vary widely from an individual to another. Live and let live, says I. Clearly your friend is sort of a loner, more independent and less social / outgoing than you, she has different social needs. That she values her own personal space and private time the same as time spent with friends does not have to mean that she CAN'T be a friend, or that she does not value you as a person. I guess it's just a different way to see things. You say " why can't she skip her favourite show to see a friend ", but maybe she is thinking " a good friend would not ask me to change my schedule and skip my favourite passtime for her, when in a week there are other 6 days when we could met up ".
People who don't appreciate aloneness ( which is NOT loneliness ) always have trouble understanding those who do. A lot of people find hard to believe that a person can actually be happy and HAVE FUN all by herself. So they feel that spending a few hours chatting with a friend must necessarily , and objectively , be much better than spending those hours alone. But that is not true for everybody.
For instance, I'd say I fall in the middle of the spectrum. Meaning that I am not a quiet type , and I am involved in a few social groups / activities which gather regularly ( and that I really enjoy, mind you , nobody is forcing me !), so I have several fixed social occasions every week. After which, though, I need a breather. I NEED my unstructured me time.
For instance I have a social something which we do every Sunday morning. Fine. Then, though, I am looking forward to spending Sunday afternoons doing things that I like and that do not require company : reading, painting, watching movies,listening to good music... And often on Sunday afternoons... I find myself reassuring people that no, I am not depressed, I am not ill, I am not mad at anybody , I am perfectly fine ... yet no thanks, I am not coming out, I WANT to stay by myself.
The oldest friends, by now don't bat a lid, they know how I am. More recent friendships , react just like you - they take it personally. It's just TV ! It's just a book ! Do I count less than a book ?...
Well, erm, ...in a way ,- yes. I mean, you , friend ,count more than a book because we like each other, love each other , trust each other. If you need my help, if you want to confide me a secret or ask my advice or vent your frustrations, I'll be there for you. If YOU feel lonely and want me around, ditto.
But as for your entertainment value... well, uhm, it depends. If we just have to catch up and shoot the breeze, and give each other the update about our regular, uneventful week or fortnight... and I have something enthralling and intriguing to read, or re-read... ...let's say it's a hard choice and I try to organize things so that I don't have to give up either- the book, ( or TV show for your friend ) OR the pleasure of your visit . And I am grateful if you don't MAKE me choose.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2014): Does your friend have Asperger's or show other signs of it? Social awkwardness and explosive temper can be signs...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2014): tis is the posterknow she cares is what I meant, typing error..
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