A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am in a long-distance relationship for 3 years. For the past 6 months we have been living long-distance. Two weeks ago I told her that we hadn't been talking or visiting enough. Then, I visit her (we live about 150 miles away) and she is crying. She tells me that "we aren't working out." I explain that it is the logistics of the distance, but she seems to think it is something else. She says that "things are different" but seems unable to elaborate.That night we stay together, and we cuddle, but we are still crying. The next day she decides (although I tried to make it seem as though I agreed to a certain extent) that it would be good to take a "time out." In four weeks we would meet up again.When I leave the next day, I tell her "I love you" and then she tells me "I love you too." And then she kisses me for the first time that weekend and I left.So what is going on? I think she's stressed (she's a graduate student). I asked if there were another guy, and she affirmed that there wasn't. And I asked if there was something with "me," and she said she couldn't think of anything "wrong" with me (!).My plan right now: give her space. In other words: I won't email, text, or call her, unless she does so first. And even then I won't give too much information.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2011): I am the one who posted the question.
She never said stress was the cause; I am just guessing. It could also be that the logistics of a long-distance relationship are difficult (especially finding time to travel to and from our locations). On top of this, neither one of is very good at talking on the telephone.
Having said this, she seemed uncertain that this is the problem.
On the con side: the first night I met up with her she didn't seem to think that anything could be done about the relationship (that is, seeing each other more often wouldn't help), she says that she "has to be selfish and think about what makes herself happy," and she wouldn't kiss or hold hands with me because we were already on a "break." Also, she said that "things are different"; when I said that I'm the same guy, she said "maybe I'm different." None of these are good signs.
On the pro side: she said she loved me (after I said I loved her), she was very sad, she said there was nothing wrong with "me", and when I told her I liked things about our relationship she always agreed (for example, I like talking with you, I like cuddling, etc.; she agreed on all of these). And when I asked her if she's optimistic about the relationship she said "yes." She also told me there's no other guy, and honestly I don't think she's lying about this. She also said that one of our conversations were "not different," whatever that means. Finally, although I left her, she finally kissed me at that point.
More than anything, she seems confused. She didn't seem to know why she wasn't happy, and why things were "different."
It's tough ignoring her, but it's what I must do...
A
female
reader, RoseA  +, writes (24 February 2011):
 Im in a long distance relationship and im a girl, Of course sometimes we girls need someone to take care about us, but as long as the one that we love, is doing that, We dont need anything else...
For me i did what your girlfriend did .. so many times, Because i was stressed, and worried about losing him.
But what made me like him and love him even more.
When he kept on calling every single day telling me that if there is anything wrong hes here and that hes ready for anything that makes me happy...
And actually being with him what makes me happy.
But i was a bit drama, I never saw him for about 9 months. and that is hard, But its okay, Because caring is between us.
And if your sure that your girlfriend loves you, dont just judge her about her dating another guy, Talk to her, Ask her what is going on, She might not tell you from the first time. and i dont think you should wait her to contact you.
... Because if it was only stress, Then after this whole thing, she will always remember that you stood by her side, When things got complicated. Well, This is my idea.
And it is all about how she acts when shes with you.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (24 February 2011):
Hi there. It's a very lonely place, to be in a long distance relationship. It's also very challenging.
Because she says things are different now, and crying when she said it, there might be someone she is thinking of dating.
Even though she says there isn't anyone else, it does seem to be a possibility. Maybe she isn't admitting it, because she doesn't want to hurt you. This would seem to explain why she won't elaborate. She is keeping talk to a bare minimum.
In relationships, for it to keep on going, two people need to be actually seeing each other at least once a week. Not just texts, emails or phone calls. They only work for a short time. Eventually it comes to a point where there needs to be more than that.
A lot of change can happen in 6 months. 150 miles is a large distance between you. So it's not a short 15 minute drive.
Even though you both said "I love you" to the other, you probably still feel that, but it's changing.
I believe what you said - giving her complete space (no contact at all) - is your best course of action. This will simplify things for her, if she has no pressure from you to be in regular contact.
If I were you, I would definitely be doing this, and just waiting for when she decides to contact you. No pressure from you though.
Even if it's a couple of weeks or a month or two, still refrain from trying to contact her. Just wait and see what happens.
If you are meant to be together, well then in time you will be. However, it can't be forced to happen any sooner than it's meant to. So you will have to stay calm and just start enjoying your own life from now on.
Don't put your own life and happiness on hold, while you wait to see what unfolds with her. Life is too short.
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A
male
reader, Boy Blue +, writes (24 February 2011):
I think you are doing the right thing but I must tell you of my experiences.
I too, was in a long distance and my ex acted similar to this...but instead of being sad like your gf , my ex got really bitchy.
In any case I later found out that she didn't love me anymore and I found out on my own that she was seeing someone else before we broke up.
I don't think stress is the cause, it sounds more like an excuse. I think anyone even in her situation can manage just fine since you aren't causing problems in her life. I'm sure she's hiding something and well I don't wanna be pessimistic but it doesn't sound good.
I hope she comes around and talks to you.
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