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male
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anonymous
writes: I fear that my girlfriend was confused with love and lust when we had sex. Im not sure but i have been thinking deeply about my 8 n a half month relationship a lot recently. She has mentioned a lot about 'when you have sex' basically you can't leave one and other forever, thats the impression i get. I think that she may have only had sex with me 'too keep me'. Is there any way of telling this? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (6 August 2006):
 She can't "keep" you unless you allow yourself to be "kept", but having said that, you sound very passive in this relationship, unquestioning of her provocative comments. Is there a reason for that?
I'd guess that she wants you to stick around, feels vulnerable now that you've had sex, and is using whatever she can think of as leverage to 'guilt' you into staying with her, even though I think it's pretty clear that your feelings aren't as strong as hers.
Fundamentally, you can't change anyone's thinking, or their response to events. If you break up with her sometime in the future, naturally she'll be hurt. But you can't let the fear of her hurt feelings lock you into a relationship where you're unhappy, because if you're not happy, you'll be lousy company.
A
female
reader, immuno +, writes (5 August 2006):
 Unfortunately people tend to have sex before considering what the act means to both parties. You state that you are in an 8 1/2 month relationship, did you have sex the night you met or did you wait further into the relationship? If it was on the night you met maybe your feelings of lust have never grown into anything more but hers have. If it was further into the relationship it would seem that there was something more than lust that may have caused the attraction between the two of you. Do you have any other feelings other than lust for her? Could it be that you are realizing that 8 1/2 months is a relationship and your getting "cold feet"? Maybe she is picking up on the vibes that you are having second thoughts and she is getting insecure about the relationship. I would take her out for a quiet dinner and discuss where she sees the two of you in a year. This way at least you will understand what she is thinking and then maybe you can work it out. Good luck!
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