A
male
age
41-50,
*azzloop
writes:hey guys iam new to this site and want your advice. I have a girlfriend i have been seeing for quite some few months and things have really been going well with us until recently when i went through her phone and found text msgs from a guy i had confronted her about who she has been denying she never liked and never had intentions with him to do anything. At the beginning she was very defensive about this whole thing and she got very mad when i brought it up. Then she admitted and told me he had always liked her. this guy is a coworker, we all work together. A few weeks later after i confronted her about the issue, i found her talking to the same guy at the bar in a restaurant we had a work party. She probably thought i was not gonna make it coz i was running very late. She was really up close to his face and were drinking together. later that evening i was very mad and i asked her how long they had been sitting at that bar talking n she said she couldnt remember. i asked her why she did that, sitting at the bar with someone she already knows has been for a long time been hitting on her. Her reasoning was like he is just a friend, "i know he has slept with so many girls at work and also with my best friends" she said. "i cant sleep with him. i dont like him that way" she continued to say. I asked her how the dude got her number and she was trying to explain to me that he read this funny joke to her on his phone one day and she wanted to have that joke so she could share it with someone else and so she gave him her name so he can forward it to her. He then started forwarding her a lot of dirty, sex oriented jokes that she laughed at so much all the time. i was uncomfortable for a long time and i talked to her about how i felt about it. she claimed the dude was just sending jokes and nothing else. but things got to a point when they really started texting and one day i picked her up from work and we were going to go by her place later in the evening, n she asked me three times if i wanted her to drop me off at my place and so she could go be alone too and i said no. i had a feeling somthing was going on in her mind. She was very moody that night and we were watching TV n she just got up i said "i am going to bed". went in the room shut the lights n door. when i went in there, she was going thru her phone n she shut it when i entered in like she didnt want me to see anything. when she went into a shower in the morning i quickly run thru her phone n found the text msgs of the same dude she had been denying about. She was asking him how he was going to keep her warm while he was at work. He also asked her to send him her pic. he did send her his naked pic from head to slightly above the pubic area. He didnt show her everything and he promised to show her somthing huge and asked her if she promised never to show anyone. The other text msgs that follow was like ...when ...from my conclusion. they had planned to link up on that day i refused that she takes me home coz i knew what was up in those text msg. i have been confronting her about this issue but i havent told her i went through her phone. What she is telling me though is not the truth about them texting and its something i dont appreciate. she is denying they dont text to talk its only the jokes this dude is forwarding her but i know its not true. WHAT SHOULD I DO?
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male
reader, eddie  +, writes (5 January 2009):
 Is it possible for you to use punctuation and spell check? It's really difficult to follow a rambling, ongoing sentence.
Anyway, I digress. In my opinion, she got caught. She wants to "go off" on the guy so she can deflect some of the negative energy on to him and away from her. She is possible trying to minimize her role and pretend she was a little naive. The texting was inappropriate and wrong. How can you change it? You can't. You either accept it or move on. As far as her calling him in your presence, how would you know if they hadn't already talked? It doesn't really matter what they say now, the damage is done. Nothing she says now will change the past.
If he didn't know she was with you, he has nothing to apologize to you for. The fact he has a partner already is another story. As I said, you can not rewrite history. Your partner was somehow able to convince herself what she was doing was OK. Perhaps she's bored or there might be something lacking in your relationship. The attention from another man might have made her feel good. There is a chance that nothing would have ever come of it. There is also the chance it could have developed into something. It is important to rebuild your trust in order for the relationship to work.
A
male
reader, Jazzloop +, writes (5 January 2009):
Jazzloop is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe biggest trouble i had with all this is that she does not want to admit that there was anything wrong she did thats what makes me made she was crying when i told her i would never do a thing like to her when i asked why she did all this behind me. She was mad everytime i pushed for her to tell me more about those text msgs which she claimed were just forwads. This dude said to her at work on new year, " how was your new yrs eve, I hoped u got layed". She got mad and she wanted to tell him off and ask him nere to call her or text her or send her any forwards, but i told her not to do it becoz it would not make any sense to the guy for the following reason(s):1. he has been sending her forwards about nasty stuff which she liked and laughed about all the times. (2) they were getting close through those forwards to a point where he asked her if she wanted to see his dick and he asked her to send him her pics. You know that friends dont do stuff like that. So there were intensions.
NOW she wants to tell this guy off becoz she knows now that i know whats been going on, but the thing also was that she never told this guy i was seeing her coz we never wanted anybody to know at work (u know how messy that can get esp tht we r just getting to know each other. So she wanted to do everything secret with him AND THEY AGREED in their text msgs that i read that the pics he was going to send her should just be between the two know about and no one else COZ he aslo has a girl friend at the same work place who apparently my girl did not know about n i was shocked n told her that she should have known about her bcoz she has been talking to this dude. One time i asked her what they normally talk about coz i see them once in a while talking and her response was like, he just told me about his kids n the girl that he used to see. Then i said well he shoulkd have told u about the one he is seeing now. She was like i feel bad for her COZ she knows that this dude is a womanizer. All that my girl wanted was to have sex and make a name for herself that she slept with him not that she wanted to be with him. On the other hand she knows i am commited n showing promises to the relationship so she doesnt want to leave me. ANYWAYS i told her that she should say anything to the guy yet. I want her to call him in my presence and hear what she is goign to say to him and also hear what he will have to say to her which i know will give me a hint on as far as how they had gone with this whole thing and i will ask her not to SHUT HIM off on whatever he will have to say. COZ she should have been mad with him when he asked her if she wanted to see his dick and not when he asked her if she got laid. They had been already into some deep stuff for her to get mad at that remark. She just wanted a reason to trell him off but i personally think that was not a valid one
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2009): Ok. First off don't listen to a thing MommyOfOne says. She's being a completely naive apologist and quite frankly doesn't know what the heck she's talking about. So you snooped through you gf's phone. So what? It's a little over the cool/uncool line under normal circumstances, but your gf wasn't playing it straight with you, so you did what you had to do. Don't be ashamed or apologetic in the least about not allowing yourself to be cheated on and lied to. What you need to do now, get in touch with you inner jerk, be assertive, confront her about it, and don't let her off the hook for anything. Remember that she's the one in the wrong here and if she tries to play any mind games like turning this around on you, immediately tell her to get lost and lose your number. Then just be strong and wait. Let her miss you. She'll be calling you the instant she wants to hang out with somebody and all her friends are busy.
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (4 January 2009):
I would try to finish the conversation. You know ans she realizes you know. Unless you are content never knowing, finish what you started. Did she seem remorseful? Did she seem angry? What was her reaction and MOST importantly, her explanation for carrying on like this?
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A
male
reader, Jazzloop +, writes (4 January 2009):
Jazzloop is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI pushed this situation last night n she got really mad, but she opened up a bit n I no there is more. She told me he asked for naked pics nd he asked her if she wanted her to see his dick. She still denies that he didn't send her any pic though which I know is not true coz the text I saw in her phone said she shouldn't show anythn to anyone--thats how I know. There has been a lot going on more than forwards. All I want is her to tell me the whole truth so I know where to go from here.
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A
female
reader, MommyOfOne +, writes (3 January 2009):
 maybe your blowing this out of proportion...
I get forwards, and they can get pretty dirty, enough to make me blush.
Trust is the number one key in a relationship. If you don't have trust, then you have nothing. If you can't trust her, then what should you do.
Personally, if you have questions, you should have gone to your girl to get the answers. Then snooping through her stuff. As soon as she wasn't looking, you hurried to her phone and went through it. That was wrong on your behalf. Never snoop on a partner.
Never go looking for things you may not what to find. (That's my favorite motto with snooping.)
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A
male
reader, Jazzloop +, writes (3 January 2009):
Jazzloop is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni appreciate all of your imput. Its really hard for me coz every time i think about it, it just makes me mad that she would do somthing like that
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A
male
reader, Jazzloop +, writes (3 January 2009):
Jazzloop is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTalkn about respect, I think she did disrespected me big time. I had no intensions to go thru her phone but she gave reasons to. She wanted to sleep with him n they agreed to keep whatever they would do secretly including the text msgs n pics he showed coz apparently he has a girl he is seeing at the same work place. So she was just gonna have Fun coz she is attracted to him (loopks). She had no intentiopns to hurt my feelings, i have beenm good to her n she knew this guy does not keep a girlfriend so iam more promising than he is despite of his looks which she fell for.now that she knows I caught wind of everything she was crying about the whole thing n still denies that their texting had gone out of hand. She still insist that all she did receive were forwards. Iam very offended bcoz I trusted her n I hoped that even after letting her know that I new what has been going on, she would tell me the truth. I gave her an opportunity but this makes me think she might attempt it again if she doesn't want to confess n let it go
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A
female
reader, MommyOfOne +, writes (2 January 2009):
Personally, I don't think anyone should snoop on thier boyfriend/girlfriend. That's a big respect thing. You have no respect for your girlfriends privacy.
I really don't think anything is going on between them. Maybe Im nieve. Who knows. I have a few guys friends that I have no desire to get with, but will text just about everyday. Big deal.
Stop snooping in your girls stuff. Have some respect for her.
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (2 January 2009):
I guess you should tell her. You already know about it and it's not like you're going to forget she's lying to you. Don't let the resentment build up because this will get to the point where it can't be fixed. You snooped which is wrong but what you found out is worse. He is baiting her and she's letting her guard down. It's a slippery slope so tell her you know she's lying and how you know.
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