A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I have been together for a little over five years. Last spring we moved in together, and things seemed fine. Three weeks ago I came home and she told me she wasn't happy and she didn't want to be with me any more, and she said she didn't think we were meant to be. I was at a complete lose of words at the time and didn't know what to say.There is some back story about our relationship I should mention. I got out of the military five years ago and immediately started college, and we started dating right before I was discharged. For the past four years I was going to college full time on my benefits and I wanted to finish school as soon as possible to start a life with her. She was in college too during that time but she only had two years left. I knew she wanted to get married but I couldn't support us financially and I felt like I needed to be able to support a family and be a good provider before taking that step, even if she was working too. Right before I graduate she decided to go back to school and get a second bachelor's, which she is still working on. Once I graduated, I struggled for three months to find a job, and it was very stressful, but eventually I did find a job, but not a good one due to the work environment and lower than average pay (bad economy). A few months after finding the job, the VA offered me benefits to go to grad school, so I took them up on the offer and attended grad school. While working full time and going to grad school, we moved in. During that time, my life became very stressful, and I know I was becoming unhappy. Then our five year anniversary came around, and like a dumb boy, I didn't propose and I really should of because I knew I wanted to marry her. She was really upset, and so was I, so I quit grad school after one semester because it was all just too much. Things seemed to look up and I was feeling better about things in general, and I planned on proposing on her birthday. She figured out my intentions to propose because I never asked her what she wanted for her birthday, and I mentioned something about engagement rings, so she left me about two weeks before her birthday. She said she has been thinking about this for a few months.Since the breakup we have talked some, and most of the time she initiates it. She said that we are over, but she won't write us off completely, and she doesn't know what the future will hold. When I asked her why didn't she discuss her problems or our problems with me, she said because we are just boyfriend and girlfriend and it is her prerogative and she felt that my input wasn't necessary. I told her we are more than that because we live together, we have a cat, we have been talking about marriage, we've been together for five years, and I was going to propose. She disagreed and said no we are just boyfriend and girlfriend per my decision (which is not true). She has contradicted herself several times. She tells me she misses me and loves me. She also tells me that she just don't want this anymore. I told her she cannot put all of her unhappiness on me, and she said she wasn't, even though it seemed like she was. I told her that I thought she was making a mistake and she will regret this. She said maybe she is, but she feels this is the right thing to do. Also, she swears there is no one else.People tell me to give it time, and try to move on, and maybe she will come back, but maybe she won't just as well. She has even told me to not wait for her. I am so confused by this breakup. I don't understand why she left me, nothing she has said has made any sense to me, my family, and her family. I think she might be confused maybe. Or is she really that upset that I didn't propose on our five year anniversary, because she said it is too late now. Our anniversary was only three months ago. I just don't understand and I would like some insight please? I love her with all my heart, she is the love of my life. Can I get her back? Is there a chance she will come back?Thanks.
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anniversary, discharge, military, move on, moved in Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, No watered down advice here! +, writes (4 November 2010):
 Women say they want a hard working man. That put family first and that make sure he's prepared to take care of her before committing.And you did that.And if for some reason have we can't have children,we can get a "CAT" and he'll think of it as our "CHILD" (You did that as well),And we want a man that when no matter what and how congested our lives become HE will remember our ANNIVERSARY!.(you did that for sure),and all the other special days of our lives we will shared together, (you have that in you,as well)That LOVE me for me? That's you. And when he comes home a little late, I know it's not another woman, but, another hard day's work, that's building, our future. The question shouldn't be it she has another man? That's not important! It should be:.WHOSE LOST WAS IT HERS OR YOURS? I'll SAY HERS!! YOU'LL FIND SOMEBODY THAT WILL LOVE YOU FOR YOU! TRUST ME!!! No Watered Advice Here!
A
male
reader, LovelessAct1 +, writes (4 November 2010):
I've read several books on these things (for one of my college courses) and a reoccurring element is that while men seek to provide, women do not want that more than they want your time and attention. I bet you hear of plenty of marriages that end because the husband is too busy. You ask the male what went wrong and he is completely confused. He replies, "I wanted to provide for my family. That's why I work so hard. To give her a good life."
But that isn't what the wives ever wanted. Yes they need a certain level of "security" to feel safe, but more often than not, woman would prefer a man take more time off of work to be with them even if it meant a lower standard of living.
Men are logical beings. We see a problem and we try and fix it. Women think on a more emotional scale. They see a problem and they want to analyze it. They want to discuss it and grow closer through it. This can translate to your life. All the sacrifices you had been making for her, so that you and her could have a future, may not have been what she ever wanted. They appreciate every second they get to spend with their significant others and they cherish all of the times they feel close.
As far as what you're currently going through, I understand its hard. She most likely has a lot of emotion sifting in and out of her head, which is causing her unpredictable attitudes towards your relationship. I would try to keep a good space between you two. Let her realize on her own all of the great times you have had and what a great future you could have had. She has to find this by herself. She can't have outside forces (in this case you) influencing her decision or she'll always have a gut feeling like she shouldn't get back together. Once she actually discovers that on her own and has the space as well as the time to really consider what she's giving up, she'll be able to make a decision.
Hope you stay strong. Try and give it some space for now and let her contact you when she's ready to have a long and serious talk (which is much more easy to have when the emotions have settled) Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, romany  +, writes (4 November 2010):
 I think the best thing you can do is to get out with your friends and start to live a little, you have both had alot on your plate with study and work and life, and I'm sure your both very different from the people who met each other 5 years ago.
The only thing that concerns me with this is she has told you to not wait for her, which leads me to think, she actually wants you to move on, in which case, she really does want out.
As for understanding, sometimes in life we just cant understand everything that is done to us, no matter how many times we ask, or pick and analyse it, it never makes sense, I've just been thru the same thing myself, and it mentally battered me comletely, but I've just had to accept that, for now, I have no idea what happened, or why it happened, and possibly never will, or maybe one day i will, but I can't make those answers come now, I can guess at them, like your doing now, and asking us to do, but it wont make you feel any better.
Get out with your mates, find the old you, spend time around your family, do things that pleases you, and stop making contact with her, talking to you may be helping her, but it aint helping you, if she gives you a hard time bout not contacting you, or you not answering her, tell her its YOUR PEROGATIVE to not talk to her.
The thing is, which we dont realise when we're hurting, is.... if it is meant to be, it will be. By you not being available to her every whim, she may realise your worth, now you just have to realise your worth too.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2010): Ah buddy, I don't know what to tell you. Trying to figure out women want is like pondering the origins of the universe. You can come up with some good hypotheses, but ultimatley it's an act of futility. The best thing to do is get a new girlfriend. If your ex wants you it'll kick her in the ass, if not then you'll know it's over, but you'll have someone else, and won't really care.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2010): Maybe she was feeling taken for granted, and this is an awful mind-game to see if you come after her.
She felt the purposel was way overdue, and not done on her time-table. She felt ignored while at work and school.
She wants to really know you're committed to her and not just your live-in girlfriend. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? She doesn't want to be the cow. She wants your attention too.
She holds on and initiates contact with you because you're not really out of her heart yet. It seems like a bit of a game, and a bit of "retaliation" for not being purposed to when she wanted.
You both love each other right? Even she has said so! You both want each other, so what are you separated over? We can only guess at what the true problem is, but she has to put it on the table.
Maybe she got cold feet and doesn't know if she wants to take the plunge into marriage yet. That's my second guess. In this case, keep talking to her, be gentle and loving, reassure her of a good future, and she just may come around. Don't forget you're still on her mind and heart, so there is more connection there than not.
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