A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:dear cupid, earlier this year i was involved in a very nasty break up that resulted in me being admitted to hospital after an attempted overdose, because of this the relationship ended, during my time in hospital i became close to a girl who had had a very similar experience to me. when we both left hospital we started a relationship, i had never felt so happy or good and finally found as if i had found my soulmate someone who fully undrstood me. for the first few months things were fantastic we were both off work on sick leave and spent every minute of the waking day together, allthough because of the break ups we both ended up having to move back into our parents homes, so we was never able to spend the nights together apart from the odd ocassion. our relationship became sexual after a few weeks and at first we couldnt keep our hands off of each other, making love every day at every opportunity we had when my new girlfriend finally started back at work i noticed one of the security guards where she worked was always near or around the shop where she worked, when i asked her about this she told me he was an ex and was just worried about her and keeping an eye on her, i took her word for it even though it made me feel uneasy.most evenings i meet her from work and wait outside her shop, on several occasions i have noticed him walk past the shop and pull provocative faces at her and make sexual facial gestures towards her, when i questioned her about this she told me not to be stupid and that nothing was going on and he and her were still good friends despite a nasty split.she has a carparking space near to where she works and parks in the same spot every day, on several occasions i have noticed that she has been parked a long distance from where she works, because of the time she starts the car park is empty when she gets to work, and yet the spot she has been parked in on these few ocassions has been a long distance from her usual place suggesting she has been out at some point and unable to park where she normally does on return, when i questioned her about this she tells me its cos she was slightly late for work, yet that doesnt explain why she has to park so far away, i get the feeling she has been out on her lunch break and upon return has had to park in these spots cos they are the only ones available.when we first got together she would leave her mobile phone on the dinning table or on the arm of the chair for when it rings, yet lately she has been keeping her phone in her pocket but on silent with vibrate she says this is because thats how she has to have it at work,but conveniently forgets to put it back on ringing when she gets home, which she never used to. There have been times when i have felt her phone vibrate when we have been sat on the settee at her house and then she will make the excuse that she needs the toilet, this can happen 2-3 times an evening. after a while of being together she told me she was on the pill and i didnt have to use condoms, but i bought several packs just in case, considering we only ever seem to have sex at her house i found out that she keeps some in her bag which she carries everywhere with her, she never told me of this and when i kept a count of how many we was using i noticed there was several short, when i questioneed her about this she told me i was being stupid, paranoid and must have not worked it out right, and if i didnt trust her i should just go. i can understand her feeling that way but she always seems cagey lately and distant what used to be us having sex 5-6 times a week has now dropped off to 1-2 times a week, i know this isnt a sign in itself but i cant help feeling she is cheating, i have lookeed on the internet at ways to catch cheaters out but feel untrusting and bad for even considering it. everything else with us seems to be fantastic and i love her so very much, i feel she is the one for me , i darent keep questioning her cos i know she will get fed up and end our relationship. who wouldnt?i know i might just be being paranoid because of what has happeneed to me in the past, i just dont want to get hurt again, i dont know if i could cope next time. girlfriends in the past have mocked my sexual performance in the past, but my current partner says she is very happy im just worried she is taking pity on me and doesnt want to be the cause of my downfall or maybe the person she is cheating with is married and neither of them want to lose their relationships and would rather just carry on behind peoples backs.also she drives me home every night and i ask her her to ring me when she is back home so i know she is safe yet what takes her 10 minutes to drive me home always seems to take 30-40 minutes to get home before she rings to tell me she has just arrived back.please help im at my wits end and dont know what to do, im scared of being humiliated again, i dont know if i could take another knock like that. yet i love my girlfriend very much and am scared that i am just being paranoid and will mess things up when nothing is happening
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female
reader, sarcy24 +, writes (14 October 2009):
 I normally trust my gut instinct in times like these. From reading your post I would imagine she is up to something. She has become secretive, taking the phone with her everywhere and putting on vibrate is indicative of someone with something to hide. The car parking business as well, they are all a bit suspicious to me. Now because I have been badly cheated on I have a very suspicious mind but I have never been proved wrong. I think she is seeing you and probably flirting or spending time with another. I suggest you give her a bit of breathing space. Don't have the lift home every night and don't be too available. She won't like the drop in attention and will want to know what you are up to.
As you met under very difficult circumstances, emotions and the desire to cling onto something can be heightened. I don't think really this lady is the one for you and I do think it is a rebound reaction because of what you have gone through. I would take it more slowly with this one, don't be so available, stop popping into the shop and make your own way home. If she is genuinely interested she will make more of an effort with you. As Ii see it you are chasing her and getting very little back. Make yourself unavailable and take yourself out of the equation for a while and see what happens.
A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (14 October 2009):
 Dude... stop being so freaking paranoid!!! Keep it up and you will lose her, thats a promise. Stop with the snooping and the interogation questions, because not only are you breaking the trust in the relationship, but you're making it harder and harder for her to tell you things. So she's going to start hiding more and more and you'll get more and more paranoid.
Its just going to escalate until one of you can take it no longer. For example, you asked her about the security guard.... then when she was honest and told you he was an ex, (she didnt hide it)... then what did she get from you for that honesty...? It certainly wasnt a positive response and if she gets a negative response from you for being honest, she's less likely to consider being honest next time. Am I making sense?
If I were you I'd have a sit down with her, apologise for your behaviour, say that you're going to try very hard to stop being so paranoid etc. etc. Yeh, she could be cheating, she could be going through a rough patch, she could be feeling stifled, she could be getting frustrated by your constant suspicions and amateur sherlock holmes shenanigans. Who knows, but what happens, happens, so focus on the things that you can do to strengthen/spice up the relationship. Do something really romantic, do more housework, cook dinner, go on a camping trip together... etc.
Stop focusing on what could happen/be happening and put in 100% effort. If you have genuinely tried your hardest and she does end up cheating, at least then you know that it isn't meant to be because you did all that you could do. Yeh, it all seems a bit messy, but the ball really is in your court.
Best of luck mate.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2009): Ok first if all i want to say , nothing is worth taking your life, that is the most selfish thing you can do... And every time you take a big blow just know that you are not alone! People get their hearts broken everyday and if everytime someone got their heart broken they would kill themself, there would be noone on this earth...
Secondly, if you cant trust her why be with her? Being in a relationship and having to deal with general life issues is hard enough, you dont want to have to be worried about the one you love cheating on you... It seems to me like yall found each other when yall were both in times of repair... Thats not a good start, because if you want to believe it or not, yall were each others rebounds.
Find someone who makes you love who you are when youre with them, someone who makes you strive for your best, and someone who makes you a better person. Dont spend your life worrying... Because you will never be happy.
If you have confronted her about the way you feel and she said no, then believe her, if you still dont believe her and you having that feeling, shes prob not right for you... I know she may seem like everything and seem perfect, but looks can be deciving... Girls are bitches, im one...
Dont take yourself out of the game because youre afraid of being hurt again. Everything happens for a reason and sometimes you get hurt in order to grow stronger.
Good luck! :)
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