A
male
age
36-40,
*orb21
writes:I'm having a bit of an issue with my girlfriend of a year and a half. We met and dated for a year long distance before she asked me to move in with her. Actually, she said we'd break up if I didn't, so I gave in and did it. I moved to a state where I'm not licensed to practice law and have to take the bar exam. She has a decent job but money is tight because she budgets poorly and my family is subsizing us. Since moving in I have become increasingly unhappy. She's a slob. She doesn't clean anything and doesn't even do basic things like picking up dirty plates when she's done. If I don't pick them up, they'll literally sit out until flies are buzzing around. She also doesn't like for me to see or communicate with any of my friends. Since moving in with her I've seen them twice in 2 months and spend every weekend taking her out and doing things with her. I haven't had any time with my friends or alone time in months and I'm feeling overwhelmed. This weekend is homecoming at my alma mater and a lot of my old friends are visiting. They all want to see each other tomorrow and now my girlfriend is pissed because I told her I'd like to see them and not do our usual date night. She's currently not speaking to me. What do I do? I feel like I shouldn't have to deal with this. I love her and our time together but I think she's very unfair and her expectations of me are unrealistic. I don't want to give up my friends for her or lose touch with them.I also feel I do more than enough for her and she's rarely ever appreciative nor does she help me out. Help would be appreciated.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 November 2015):
 So what if she's not speaking to you? I would take that as a brief time out from her unrealistic expectations.
Go see your friends. Invite her along if you want to introduce her to your friends but be sure you arrive in separate cars.
You appear to be in a relationship with a controlling person. I have a link for you on that. If you have spent the last year walking on eggshells, afraid of her anger, then I think you definitely need to read this one.
http://counsellingresource.com/lib/therapy/self-help/loser/
The slob thing is another problem.... Was her place immaculate when you came to visit? Is this a new thing? What does she say when you discuss it with her?
I think you didn't really know her well enough before you moved in and now, alas, you are finding this out the hard way.
You are dating a loser, you moved in too soon, if you can't discuss things with her without her blowing up then what's the point of prolonging this relationship? You say you love her, but do you love her or the image she projected long distance?
I personally would leave as soon as possible.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 November 2015):
 So since YOU are working and contributing you should NOT do all the work around the house.
IT should be shared. Have you discussed it with her?
If you already have talked about and nothing changed, what do you see staying with her will change anything in her?
As for cohabitation before marriage ALWAYS being a bad idea as singinbluebird mentions - I beg to differ.
I think it's a smart idea to TRY and live together first. People who can live together before marriage usually do JUST fine after marriage too. And of course there are the people who NEVER marry, just live together. It all depends on your background, personalities, faith/religion, morals and values.
OP, if this doesn't work for you any more, and you don't see anything from her side changing then maybe... you two aren't as good a fit in reality, as you seemingly were "online".
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A
male
reader, zorb21 +, writes (5 November 2015):
zorb21 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh, I am working. I'm paying for half of the rent and all of her meals when we go out. I work more hours than she does and she's home often when I'm not, so not picking anything up is ridiculous.
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A
female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (5 November 2015):
 Sorry, but you have to move her out of your home. Cohabitation before marriage is always a bad idea, unless you are already engaged and plan to wed/commit to each other for a long time.
She sounds immature and you sound self aware and mature enough to know shes living off of you. I wouldnt say break up but you have to express how you feel and get her out of your place. She needs to stand up and get up on her own two feet. You need time for you and if she is controlling you and not willing to let you see your friends, shes not supporting you as her man and a person. The best types of relationships are where you lift each other up, not drain each other.
You shouldnt change her and neither should she change you. If she cant grow up, its time for you to grow up and maybe that means growing out of a relationship. You really didnt state any reason to stay, so best to find someone who loves and support you. And someone who actually washes their own dishes. Never accept bad behavior from someone, esp a love one. You teach people how to treat you and shes leeching off of you, so make sure you reevaluate what youre willing to risk and wont risk.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 November 2015):
I think the year you were long-distance you had a sort of fantasy relationship, then you moved in with her and well, reality happened.
She seems to isolate you, which I really don't like. (and neither, it seems do you). Maybe because SHE doesn't have friends of her own she presumes that YOU shouldn't want/need any either. And that is a bad notion. As you two are not carbon copies of each other.
Living with someone can be hard. Now she might be a total slob and it doesn't bother her with dirty dishes or mess, but it bothers you - so it ends up being this ... game of chicken. She IGNORES it long enough for YOU to clean it.
Now if you aren't currently working, I can see the point in YOU being the main person to take care of the house. But that doesn't mean she can't pick up after herself.
So it's been 6 months and you are already "over" the relationship, so I would suggest you move home.
OR you can sit her down and say hey, let's make a budget together, and a chore-list. And tell her that YOU need to be around friends and family too. NOT that she isn't "enough" but that YOU are a social person. If that doesn't work... well.... need I say more?
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A
female
reader, Mina_Bhamji  +, writes (5 November 2015):
 Talk to her about it, tell her how you feel. Having a controlling relationship can end really bad. Sit her down and explain how you feel and why you feel like that. Get her to understand that it is making you unhappy and in order for the relationship to work she needs to work with you, the same way you're doing with her. But also, try to understand why she is the way she is, she could of had quite a rough relationship in the past which is why she's resulted to being rather possessive in the relationship between you two. If there is a reason, try to reassure her and explain to her what you want and ask her how is she planning to make things work. Let it also be vice versa, there could be things she's swept underneath the carpet on the reasons she is the way she is with you. But do let her know how you feel about the relationship and how much it means to you to try and resolve it as you're not happy.
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