A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I really dont know where exactly to start. My husband and I have been married for almost four years but have been together for 11 years. We have two children together a five year old and a 11 month old. Im a stay at home mom and my husband works a full time job with a second job that only pays when they have work. Up until I had my son my husband (then boyfriend) would always show he cared on speacial occassions. Im really not petty that i expect diamonds, fancy dinners, and for him to blow his money on me. I just want some kind of appreciation, someway for him to express he still loves me. Is it really so much to ask for a card that expresses the way you feel, or better yet a hand written letter or note. Yes, I guess it is. Each year it gets worse. You would think after the last couple of years of me getting upset over the same thing, he would attempt to make it better. Do not get me wrong, I do love him. But anymore its trying. I hold in alot of feelings I have so I don't hurt his. The thing that drives me crazy is that he will go out and make sure he finds a heartfelt card for his mother and father for their birthdays, but he cant do the same for his wife. He makes me feel like Im materialistic, but how is that when the only thing I ask for is for him to show me he still cares. His response is always, you know I love you. Why? Because I take care of your meals, laundry, your house? At that point Im being loved for my services. I cant find myself attracted to him anymore. He complains that I never want to have sex. How can I be intimate with some who makes me feel like this?Please tell me Im not crazy for feeling this way. I dont know what to do besides pack the kids up and leave, so then he could feel how much he is hurting me. How do I fix this?
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male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (5 November 2015):
 You should start building your own life and interests. Go out in an evening to classes, or with girl friends. Choose pursuits which can't be misconstrued. Just don't always have to be at his beck and call. Let him cook his own dinner now and then.
Put your energies into you and not him. Gradually he might realise that what you do for him is not a right but a gift, and he should appreciate that. You are not his servant.
Do the same for him as he does for you. If he doesn't celebrate your birthday, then don't celebrate his. A little bit of tit for tat.
After all it doesn't sound like you have anything to lose. Have yourself some innocent fun and get some spark back in your life. Too many leave it too late.
A
female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (5 November 2015):
 Sweetheart, men only know how to be men. Plus he is also working a lot and YOU both need learn to appreciate each other. I also feel like you're not quite meeting your own needs as a woman. Have you thought about getting a second job where you can feel appreciation in a work environment (as I know being a full-time mom can be taxing/hard work w/ little appreciation). Have you also thought about working on looking good, feeling good, and going on girlfriend night outs to work on your social life? I know this is all hard with young kids but def have your siblings/parents help babysit as well. Meet your own needs and let absorb all that positivity and bring that into your relationship with your man. Men are clueless about what we need but if you can spin awesome energy into your femininity, he would be so drawn to you. It really doesnt matter if youve know him 1 year or 11 years, men are just men. We girls always have to be the empowered one, and emotionally smarter one.
Get out there and do what you have to do to make you feel good as a woman. And put that energy into your sex life, let him give to you (men see sex as bonding) and show him how much he makes you happy in that way. He will blown away and will bring that outside of bedroom into other areas of your life. I mean if sees that youre receptive to his needs, wont you see he will do same for you? And with fevor and joy too. Trust me, it will work. It all starts with you. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (5 November 2015):
Of course you’re not crazy. Everyone needs to feel special sometimes. I wonder if he’s reacting the way he does to your bringing it up because he feels under attack. What do we do in that situation? We bite back. He wants to show you that he’s a good man, working hard and striving to provide for his young family. That is central to who he is and it hurts if he feels criticised for it: his pride is dented. The best thing to do is to begin any conversation about it by telling him all the good things and reassuring him how much he’s appreciated. Explain that you understand that time is limited, that he works hard and is probably tired but that he can do the smallest of things to meet your own needs: a note, a card, or perhaps a commitment to do something romantic and out of the ordinary with you ever so often. Could you go somewhere nice at the weekends either with the kids or with a babysitter looking after them?
Explain also that you do want to be intimate with him but that it can be hard when you don’t feel appreciated and desired. If his comments make you feel that way, say so but be clear you understand he’s not trying to be hurtful. If you word all this nicely and show him that you understand that he does care for you and your family, you’ll get a better response. You might be met with initial silence and unresponsiveness as can be the male way, but he’ll at least think about it and you might just start to see signs of things getting better.
May I finally suggest that, if you aren’t already, you get out the house during the day? Perhaps you could visit friends, or mother and baby groups, for example. I think that with only young kids for company and cooped up indoors you can stew on problems and they can seem even bigger and more frustrating.
I wish you all the very best.
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