A
male
age
41-50,
*nu
writes:To make a long story short, I an engaged to be married in March '08 after 2+ years. I am divorced, she's never been married.My fiancee started a new job 5 months ago, and made a male friend at work. They went out September 7, they both got really drunk, and she didn't get home until almost 4am. I wasn't very happy with her because she didn't call to let me know she needed a ride (said one of her friends made her stay at her house to sober up which is fine but I was promised she would call if a ride was needed), or even that she was okay. The next day she told me about what happened, where she went/who she was with etc. Then she got angry because I was upset because I felt she was irresponsible, being she's a step-mother and a bride to be, and was upset because before she went out, she told me she wouldn't get drunk in the first place, and that she would be home at a decent time. We ended up getting in to a huge fight. I was also getting text messages saying she's doing this and that with her male co-worker friend until I changed my number.Since then, she's lied to me about talking to him (after work hours) - says she's talking to one person when she's talking to him, same with texting him, and last Friday she came home on her lunch break to admit they kissed, there was "sexy dancing" etc. I told her I forgave her for the kiss and lying to me about everything. Then, last Saturday, I caught her in more lies about talking/texting him, even after he quit the job he had for another. She's also made me come home early while we were out, so she could go back out with him and his friends.Before she admitted to everything, she swore on her love for my daughter and I while looking in to my eyes that nothing happened. She's also told me that she didn't 'feel anything' when they kissed, or for him... that he's a 'big brother' kind of guy. She said it only happened because they were both drunk and she doesn't know exactly why she let it happen. She refuses to answer the questions I feel I deserve answers to for my own piece of mind, especially after my ex cheated on me after doing the same things my fiancee did/does to make me believe her. After this weekend we both agreed to start clean again, but how can I trust her as I should when she tells me she wants to invite this guy and his wife to our wedding, that she won't stop talking/hanging out with him, she refuses to try to 'prove herself' to me, and when she wasn't honest even after she swore on everything that matter she *was* honest?
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at work, cheated on me, co-worker, divorce, drunk, engaged, fiance, my ex, text, wedding Reply to this Question
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male
reader, gnu +, writes (28 November 2007):
gnu is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnother update - things have slowly gotten a bit better in our relationship. She finally did stop communicating with 'him' as far as I know - she could still email/call him from her work but I'm not going to go to jail just to find out that sort of information. Anyway, she has lied a few more times about things that happened, most recently about how many times she talked to him, at work, on Yahoo Messenger for 'harmless flirting'. I'm still unsure if I can trust her as a finace should trust his fiancee. I told her that because she hasn't been honest so many times, I find it difficult to trust her as I should... and that not being honest about the Yahoo thing hasn't helped matters. I know she's not texting/calling him from her cell phone because she added my cell to her account so that is positive - I don't feel the need to check her account any more. Another thing that bothers me is, and I've explained this to her, that she still can't do the things she did with him, with me. Things like flirting with me on-line or in texts/emails, or going out to party a little... I don't feel like I'm at the same/higher 'level' then he was/they were. Any advice on any of this? Thank you all for taking the time to read my questions and updates, and for taking the time out of your busy days to write a response! Happy Holidays!
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (16 October 2007):
 Gnu, I don't think the "other man" would tell you that he slept with your woman. Of course he had to deny anything happened. You can't expect him to look for trouble. Remember, he is a married man, too. His answer is no good.
Your girl is giving you BS. Of course she heard you say you didn't want her to talk to him. She called because she had to know what the other man had said, and how he should talk to you. To me, this is evidence that they did have something. I was sure of it before, but I'm damned sure about it now.
You won't find the truth in what these two say, because they have very good reasons to lie. Asking them questions simply won't work. I think you need to go with your gut feeling here.
There's a phrase by somebody that goes like this: "love is unconditional, but relationships are not". Ask yourself whether you're getting what you should get from this relationship. And, don't feel you're a bad person if you find you can't trust her. I couldn't.
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A
male
reader, gnu +, writes (16 October 2007):
gnu is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone - thank you so much for taking the time to reply to my question!
Update - We fought again last night... I ended up calling *him* and he told me they never kissed, danced sexy or anything! Yet my fiancee still says they did so... it's pretty strange to say the least!
She lied again last night about calling him after I did - I told her I didn't want her to talk to him again until I was there with her because I wanted to know why their stories don't match up. She says she didn't hear me say that so she called him to see what I said even though I told her exactly what I said! Anyway she told me she would have no contact with him again - no calls, email, in person. I pointed out that I didn't understand why she'd want a liar as a friend being he's denying what happened and she seemed to understand that. I asked why she called him yet again, and tried lying to me again (she tried to turn it around on me by saying I lied about what he told me - was the first thing she said after I told her I knew she called him heh), and the only reason she gave was that "he listens". I told her what one of the answers here stated - she needs to come to *me* first and that she should know by now that she can tell me anything without fear!
Time will tell... one day at a time right?
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (15 October 2007):
As to calling the other man's wife, I wouldn't if I were you. That is their relationship, for them to define.
I agree with Dazzerg in that there are issues in this relationship. And, maybe the poster is to blame for this, though my experience is that rarely there is a single culprit.
In my humble opinion, however, issues or no issues, she should not be spending a night, dancing and kissing another man. I'm not sure if there was sex, but I'm sure none of this should be happening. As much as I think the poster should be understanding and forgiving, and should also examine where he failed or is failing, I also believe that she should be deemed to be responsible for what she does. I have an evident bias: I think you can't claim extenuating circumstances all the time. And I have another bias: in my humble opinion, In my humble opinion, if you have issues in your relationship, you solve them first, before you find "solace" elsewhere. If you do this, the other person might have any opinion about you, but s/he won't ever complain that you cheated.
This is the core of my post.
I wish the poster all the luck in the world. It's always best to come to terms with someone one loves.
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A
male
reader, gnu +, writes (15 October 2007):
gnu is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell - to all three answers - as I've said we did talk this weekend after the fight(s) and things seem to be okay thus far. I know, it's Monday but I always see the glass as half full.
I've laid everything on the table with her, and she knows if she screws up again we're parting ways. Weather or not she's honest with me, from now on, remains to be seen obviously. What I can't figure out is, why she can't be honest about something so seemingly small like if she communicates with him (calls, texts, email etc.). As I said, I knew that night it happend that she wasn't telling me the truth, and she did finally, and to her credit, come clean. When I call her out, like on Saturday, she *could* have continued to deny things, or even left for good, but again she came clean. She hasn't lied since... and I *need* to give her the benefit of the doubt because I'd expect the same in return; I can't ask her to do something for me that I can't do for her! I just fail to see the reason she would be dishonest. If I had a reason we could at least try to fix the issue right?
More advice I'd like if anyone has a moment, is on if I should call the guy's wife and tell her what happened. I highly doubt that he told her of course. I mentioned this to my fiancee and she said that it's their relationship and it's up to him to tell her, just as it was up to my fiancee to tell me. I see the logic in both her opinion, as well as my own so it's difficult to decide. Should I call her?
This Saturday night she's going out with a bunch of her girl friends and of course I'm fine with her having friends and going out with them. I told her I don't expect a phone call every 10 minutes and what not, but that unlike last time, I expect, and deserve, to know where she is and that she's okay and she said she's fine with that. Do I give her the benefit of the doubt and wait to see what happens? I believe she's going out with her girl friends, but are they (is she) also going to be meeting him? This is touchy... she isn't lying of course, but will she tell the whole truth if they do meet regardless of if it's planned or not, when she wasn't honest (she has been since Saturday) about a phone call or text message? Do I let her actions speak louder then words and wait to see what happens this weekend? She's already told me she probably won't be home and that if she doesn't come home, she'll be staying with her friend and her husband. I shouldn't have to check up on her neither at the bar(s) or at her friends, but should I? I'm accountable for my actions no matter what I do... she has to be as well. *sigh*
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A
male
reader, Dazzerg  +, writes (15 October 2007):
 I think you already know the answer to this question but I think you and indeed the other answer are approaching this from the wrong angle; which is not to condone how she is behaving. It may well be that things have not gone as far as you fear or maybe they have but, frankly, who on here would know for sure??
Obviously she is close to this guy and I think to be blunt there are issues in your relationship which are causing her to at least seek solace with this guy and its those that you need to address if you want to carry on this relationship and move it forward.
You need to sit her down and talk to her about how she is feeling about the two of you and TRY and forget any other issues with this guy; hard though that maybe. What she is doing is very close to the 'bordeline' and is wrong but there must be a reason for her behaviour and thats what you need to get to the bottom of; hope that helps. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (15 October 2007):
I'm afraid she's not honest with you. I couldn't trust her if I were you.
I feel a lot of reservations about her behavior. This is the kind of "borderline" behavior that, at the very least, doesn't contribute to trust between partners. She stays late with a man, makes herself unreachable, is drunk, admits to "sexy dancing" and kissing with this man, refuses to answer questions, and then says she will keep seeing him. Question: is this the sort of behavior you should be having if you're engaged? This is plain wrong. What keeps you from thinking they had sex, or are having it now? What sort of a relationship really exists between a "big brother" that she kisses, "sexy dances" with, spends the night with? There is obviously a strong interest of her in this man, since she has continued to contact him even after he changed his job. That is, she doesn't HAVE to see him; she WANTS to.
I know that she is very important to you, and I would hate to do harm to you, the poster, since you have come here for help. But, I think she is cheating, and will continue to cheat. I came here with a problem myself, and what I appreciated was the truth. I think you would, too. I can't tell you how to trust her, because I wouldn't.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2007): She isn't being honest... she obviously has feelings for this man. I wouldn't let her invite him to the wedding or have further contact with him- he cheated on his wife with her just as she cheated on you with him. Their relationship is potentially destructive to TWO marriages, and there is no reason why they should be together, not any responsible reason anyway.
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