A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Because of a medical condition, I do not use contraception such as the pill or injection etc. My doctor many years ago taught me how to calculate my fertile days etc which has worked perfectly for many years.My ex and I used this method fine for years, when I was near to being fertile he would generally pull out and finish off in his hand. On days when I was not fertile, we had sex as normal.My current bf who have I have been with over a year, for days that I am not fertile it is no problem. But for days I am fertile he does pull out but he likes coming all over me - especially in my face. I know this is what they do in porn and maybe other girls like it - but I really hate it. I keep telling him to stop it and that I don't like it. He says I ruin the sex for him and that is is awful. He tells me I should suck him off instead, or let him have anal sex with me - which again I don't want to do because it feels like all about what he wants. He refuses to use condoms because he says it doesn't feel good.It is coming to the point where I dread having sex with him. In fact, I don't want to - it puts me off. I don't enjoy him cumming in my face (or well, all over me for that matter) nor do I want to suck him/give him anal sex. Maybe I sound selfish, but it seems it is all about his enjoyment and little thought about my enjoyment.I just don't know what to do anymore. It is getting to the point that I don't even want to have sex with him on my normal none-fertile days. Am I being unreasonable? Is there a compromise that can be met here? Is the sex really that much ruined for a guy like he claims by pulling out?Thanks!
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2013): I didn't call you a whore OP, I said you're being treated like one when it comes to sex.
Yeah disgraceful is not a word I should have used and I apologise for that. I shouldn't have quoted her directly it was just how she talks.
OP I can be nice in every way but selfish sexually, demanding sexually and emotionally blackmailing sexually, that would make me a sexual asshole OP. A person isn't "great" when they treat you like that, no one has a right to be like that no matter how well they look after you in other ways.
You have your needs, you have an illness that restricts what can happen and he's not respecting that.
So great, he respects you other than that, but this is important OP and he doesn't show you any respect in this situation.
What do you do? You ask if you're being unreasonable (no you're not, he is being an asshole) you ask if there is a compromise here (not when his methods are so underhanded, if you reward this behaviour he'll use it again) you ask if pulling out really is that bad a thing (no it's not).
I gave you my honest opinion OP, because I would never get away with acting like he is, never. It would be a deal breaker because my fiancée has earned my respect in all ways, not just the ways I choose and there is no chance in hell that she'd ever accept me trying to emotionally blackmail her in any way.
OP I stand by my original point because this exactly what I demand and what is expected of me. He doesn't get to treat you this way, he really shouldn't be allowed but you do allow it. OP sex is about mutual satisfaction and comfort, my fiancée doesn't like facials so I don't ask for them, I live without them. Your guy? "Sex is ruined" "you're ruining sex for me" "allow me to stick in your ass instead so" "let me cum on your face otherwise you're just ruining sex"
I wouldn't even treat a prostitute with such little respect OP, and this "great in all other ways" guy is treating a very ill woman this way? You're not making him sound better OP.
You see OP anal, facials? They're all porn star stuff, dominance stuff. I love cumming inside, don't get me wrong. I love to dominate. But it's just spunk, I don't have to leave it on you or in you to enjoy sex. For some reason this guy has it in his head that sex is shit without leaving his load on you in some kind of way even if it makes you feel degraded, he doesn't care. Facials are about degradation OP, he may aswell ask to poop on your face. To you it's almost as disgusting but he doesn't give a shit about that. That's why I said he's treating you like a whore, not that you are a whore, I would never call you that. can you not see why I would say that or why I would find his treatment of this issue so appalling?
The last thing I want to do is offend you OP but frankly I'm offended by his behaviour of you. I can't stand guys who treat women the way he is treating you about sex. Okay if it's what both partners want then they can do so, but his kind of selfish disregard of your medical condition and your comfort on this issue is detestable to me. That's why my language was so harsh because I view this kind of treatment so badly.
And I'm sorry but until he learns to respect your condition and your wishes then you can't compromise.
But there is always the option of a reversible vasectomy. if it means that much to him then he can do that or you can bite the bullet and let him have his way, and possibly grow to resent him for it.
My fiancée would just not have sex with me if I acted that way, she would never reward such bad behaviour no matter how much she needed me in other ways. I don't get to demand anything other than the respect I earn and you don't earn respect through blackmail and immaturity.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (12 April 2013):
 OP I too have a chronic illness and I too have had my husband wipe my ass when I was unable to. My husband is a total jerk about many things but he knows way better than to disregard my need for proper treatment and respect.
he does not like to do the things I like sexually so I do not force him to do what he does not want and he does not force me to indulge in anything I do not wish to indulge in. IT GOES BOTH WAYS.
being sick and having him take care of you does not give him the right to put you at risk.
with many chronic illness you must not get pregnant. and yet he's willing to risk your health and well being and peace of mind and self-esteem to use and abuse you for his own selfish desires. NOT even needs.
you are not unreasonable.
if you are not temp charting, not checking your cervix cervical mucus and not taking your temp daily and are only relying on the days you think you are infertile you are either very very VERY lucky or you possibly cannot conceive.
just guessing the days is not enough.
the compromise is that he wears a condom. He refuses.
so you relent because you think it's SO wonderful to have a jerk that wipes your ass when you can't.
you are TOO young to put up with the crap and lies he hoists on you.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 April 2013):
 OP, I think you really misunderstood, nobody called you a whore ! No Uncle or Aunt on this site would assume they are free to call you names , actually we can't ( we have moderators ) even if we wanted to, which we have no reason to want. Cerberus said that you let yor man treat you AS IF you were a whore , and that's not an insult, just an opinion that, although harsh, one can legitimately draw from what you tell us about his sexual selfishness .
Regarding the "spineless " , that you feel it's equally offensive, well, let's say it more nicely, but apparently there is a big imbalance of power in this relationship, it's like you feel you owe him for not being healthy. You are ill , at times you need care and assistence, ...and you feel you need to put up with his egoism and disrespect because he's nice enough to " forgive " you for being ill.
Well, this maybe is not spineless, since the term offends you, but it is surely a warped way to see things. He is nice to you when you are sick- therefore he gets to think just about himself in sexual matters ?! Why ?
When you CHOOSE to be with, or to remain with, a partner with health problems, you do it with open eyes, you know what it entails , you know there will be bad stuff to deal with, and if you love the person, you do it without wanting in change a gold medal, or special treatments.
" He even took me to the toilet when I was unable to move " - big freaking deal. You are partners ! He is your bf !, he is supposed to care about you and to want to help you out of love. Who else was supposed to do that for you, in your mind, unless you can afford to hire a live -in nurse ?!
If it's not that kind of close relationship yet, meaning he's just a guy you are occasionally dating but no big involvement and no serious story, then you are right, he was extra nice . Then again, if he is nobody special, just a guy you are spending time with- it's even more wrong that you worry to accomodate all his sexual whims.
You should really worry much more about what YOU want and what YOU need. Being physicall ill does not make you a second class citizen, and you have nothing you make him "forgive " you by being super accomodating and super compliant with his sexual requests.
As a matter of fact, though, if you care about your health you should NEVER let him finish inside you. Use condoms. The Ogino Knaus method that you are using is better than nothing- but not much, if I remember correctly the success rate in the long run is a discouraging 40%. Your doctor may have taught you all the calculations you want, but even the most regular cycle in the world is susceptible to be thrown off kilter , sooner or later, by ..anything. Your ovulation may happen sooner or later than you'd think, due to a wide range of causes. Plus, randomly you can have two ovulations in the same cycle. It's a body part, not a Swiss watch, sooner or later a glitch is bound to happen, it does not matter if it will only happen very very seldom, ONCE is enough to get pregnant, so it is once too many.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2013): *****I am the original poster*****Thank you all for your response. I really do appreciate your time!! Your words are very helpful!TO CEREBES I wanted to say your message from you and your gf was actually quite offensive to call me a person with no backbone and some sort of "whore" and "disgraceful". I suggest you and your gf choose your words more wisely as you do not know everyone's position. You are meant to be helpfully advising people - not ridiculing them for your own merits or narcissism.I have a chronic illness and I have no family. It means I can not work and spend alot of time in pain. Yes, the sex thing annoys me, but apart from this he is a good person. He supports me and looks after me. He does stuff for me that no one else would do. He even takes me to the toilet when I have had periods of being unable to move. I once had to be rushed to the hospital and he flew for 36 hrs, taking 5 different planes to come to see me, as soon as he found out.I didn't want to write a life story, but just what the problem that bothered me about him. Other aspects of our life together is fine and he is great in every other way.Calling me a whore, disgraceful and spineless actually speaks more of your character than of mine.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 April 2013):
I can't improve on what C.Grant or Cerberus and Mrs Cerberus have said... therefore I'm adding my one line to this
DUMP HIM it is for him all about HIM and his needs and his pleasure...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2013): No, not in the way he makes it sound. My fiancée says "tits or belly" when she wants me to pull out. She doesn't always want to have take her time cleaning up spunk that is slowly oozing out of her vagina, and it's easier to just clean her tits. I'd probably be annoyed if I had to all the time but you don't make this guy do it all the time."He says I ruin the sex for him and that is is awful."He's a ^^ing p---k. My fiancée doesn't like facials all that much either, there is nothing better or more profound about it in any way."He tells me I should suck him off instead, or let him have anal sex with me - which again I don't want to do because it feels like all about what he wants"What the ----k OP, why are you even entertaining this guy? Are you really sitting here telling us that you put up with a guy who treats you like a worthless piece of porn meat?"He refuses to use condoms because he says it doesn't feel good."Again, me, me, me. Why are you putting up with this OP?"Am I being unreasonable?"No."Is there a compromise that can be met here?"No."Is the sex really that much ruined for a guy like he claims by pulling out?"No, just have a cup or towel handy to catch the spunk in and it's fine. Sex is not ruined, it's nicer to cum inside, sure. But if sex is ruined by that then why does he even have sex when he knows he can't cum inside you? He's just emotionally blackmailing you and you're taking it like a bitch.I'm sorry but my fiancée sitting beside me here thinks you're a bit of a disgraceful pushover. She's literally saying that you need to grow a bit of backbone and either assert yourself properly here or stop complaining. She wouldn't tolerate that kind of rubbish for a second though, the instant he said "you're ruining sex for me" sex for her with this guy would be ruined and she'd never sleep with him again. You see my fiancée would never let anyone, especially a guy who is supposed to love her treat her like a whore. He's treating you like a worthless whore but frankly she doesn't blame him, she thinks he's only doing what you allow him to do. People only treat us how we let them, with a guy like this who doesn't give a care if he's going to take it to extremes, and emotionally blackmail you like he has been. You know what's worse OP, he's spoiled sex for you with him now, the idea of ^^ing him feels degrading to you now but you're still going to allow it because you have no backbone.You know what you do OP, don't have sex in your fertile periods, don't give him any form of pleasure and if he asks why you tell him he's ruined sex for you those times. Simple as that. If he wants sex, he'll respect your conditions or he ----ks off and pays for the whore experience he's trying to force on you. He doesn't get to order you about or emotionally blackmail you for this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2013): OP this is serious. You keep asking him to stop doing something to you and he ignores it and does it anyway. This is a violation of your personal boundaries. Say NO stronger. If it stops the mood so be it. The mood was already ruined for you anyway, by him. You ruining his mood by screaming (if that's what it takes) NO in his face and getting up and ending the sexual encounter, is due him. That is how you show him that you are serious when you say you do not want him to do certain things. If he proceeds to do them anyway then you will end the sex session. If he gets mad at you for not giving into him, get mad at him for not respecting your personal boundaries and your right to like or dislike the things you do. Somehow I don't think this foolish guy will compromise. He might leave you if you stand up for yourself but if so, consider it good riddance. I mean, losing him is better than continuing a relationship where you dread and hate sex with your partner. And if he would rather leave you than show any compromise or consideration for you then you will know without a doubt that you are better off without him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2013): He sounds like my ex husband and that is why I hated sex with him and eventually left him. It is not iust about sex. It is about being used, disrespected, and violated. That is a very serious emotional damage to experience as a woman. And the fact that your feelings are not validated makes the pain worse. With my current bf it is totally different. He is so considerate of me that sex is truly a two way street and I love when he cums on me. With my ex I wanted to throw up whenever he did it. Like your bf, my ex would get mad at me if I didn't want him to use my body the way he wanted to.You are perfectly normal to hate sex with this kind of person. Not only is he selfish and demanding he is essentially USING you as a sex prop. It does not feel nice to be used and exploited. That's why you hate having sex with him. I would too. Having sex should be a two way street with both people meeting each others needs. But with your bf it is one way, his way. You are being used and your feelings disregarded. If you do what he wants despite hating it (but because you're trying to make him happy or avoid conflict) then you are now having non-consensual sex or sex due to pressure. That will of course reinforce your dislike of it. It may not he the sexual acts per se that you hats but the manner in which it is forced on you. With my current bf I feel so safe and secure with him that I desire for him to cum on me since it does actually turn me on. So it is fully consensual because i feel free to say no and know it will he respected. With my ex, since I was not given a say he would insist on cumming on me and give me all kinds of other instructions in bed so it felt exploitive and degrading. Same act but with someone you feel safe and secure with versus a jerk, feels totally different. All I can say is to break up with him. A man who overrides your feelings about what happens to your body, in favor of what he wants to do to your body, is violating you and this is offfensive to the highest degree. People like him and my ex will not learn to have compassion just from you talking about it. They have to learn by consequence. Meaning they have to experience how their behavior turns their partner away from them resulting in no sex for them at all. Or they need to experience their partner leaving them over this and then they are left without someone to have sex with. In the end, staying in a relationship with someone who has no respect for you is only going to cause long term emotional damage to you.
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A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (12 April 2013):
 Im not a guy can't answer that particular question but can say that your man sounds like a jerk and has no respect for you, you should really consider putting your foot down or walking out this one way relationship.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (12 April 2013):
 There are two different questions here. The first involves being a decent guy who respects his lover and cares for her experience. What you describe is a complete fail on that count. He sounds stunningly selfish and inconsiderate. To my mind a healthy, happy sexual relationship doesn't include things one partner finds degrading, and doesn't include pressure.
On the other hand -- yes, pulling out is often an unsatisfactory experience (for both vaginal and oral). Condoms do indeed diminish sensation. That's hardly a dealbreaker if you're in love. It is if he's only in it for himself.
He sounds unworthy of you. Move on.
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