A
male
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anonymous
writes:Is saying no to sex when you don't feel like it a good or a bad thing? Sure you don't feel like it so why shouldn't you say no? But is that the sort of way you'd like your partner to treat you when you're the one wanting it?Personally if my partner wanted sex then we'd have sex regardless of whether I felt like it or not. For me it just seems the right thing to do. Not to mention that most people once they're into it end up enjoying it so its win win for everyone - well most of the time anyway. I want my partner to be happy and fulfilled so why would I say no? Not everyone is religous but the Old Testament in the Bible even says that you should give your bodies to each other freely - and why not? Shouldn't we be there for each other?That's my way of thinking but my partner is one who will have sex only when it suits and has no trouble rejecting me. This is perhaps easily done with the knowledge that I'll never do the same. I feel there is a conflict of selflessness verses selfish!?So what do you good aunts and uncles think? Do you think saying no is a good or bad thing? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (20 April 2008):
 Poster, you do need to get her to talk. With you updates, it is clear that there is a problem, and that is not a difference in desire, or lack of consideration on your part, or lack of ideas about what to do in bed, et cetera. The impression you leave is that everything is just right but then something is the matter. Indeed.
I would like to point something out, just for the sake of your benefit. The way the original post was worded led us to think that the problem was a very different one. Anyone reading this might just have believed that you just wanted an automatic "yes" from her, no matter what, no matter when. That is certainly not the problem.
I would suggest that you write down the ideas you want to discuss with her, and then, after a day or two, you review them. Maybe you will be able to tell her your concerns in a way she can better understand.
That said, I agree that, in the way you have updated the problem, there is something she is not telling you.
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (20 April 2008):
 I am very sorry for your dilemma.
She may need to see a sexual therapist to probe for her reasons.
It could be some sexual inhibitions or psychological sexual
trauma or whatever is affecting her from close intimacy with you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThings were fantastic for over a year and then it just dropped off to my partner avoiding sex and anything that could be connected to sex or physical intimacy. I have tried to talk about it every now and again since then but I don't get any answers.
I do most of the household chores so I don't think that could possibly be a factor. I try to build up the mood, set the scene, make romantic gestures, do nice things, send my partner the odd card (even though we live together), buy flowers, the odd presents and all sorts of other stuff. It is all were received and sometimes reciprocated but it ends with that. Summing up no matter what I do my partner only wants sex when it suits and that isn't very often.
I just don't get it. My partner claims to find me very attractive, enjoys sex with me, doesn't have any complaints against me and yet avoids sex. I am the same except for the avoiding part. There is obviously something I just don't get.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (20 April 2008):
I sympathize with your problem.
I agree with you that your thoughts are noble and the Bible
states that our body belongs to the other half and we should
not stop the other half from enjoying them.
This is the correct way according to the Bible but many
girls were brought up to use sex as a reward or punishment.
It could be that certain conditions were not met or
something you said or did or did not do on that day could turned her off.
She needs to be lead on with romance or romantic interludes before she is ready for sex.
This is an important stage for her to prepare her for sex.
If you go directly and by pass this stage, she may feel inclined to decline sex with you.
She does not feel in the mood for love.
Woman needs more mental stimulations before they want sex .
Another possible reason could be that she cannot feel your love for her.
Maybe, you need to help her with the chores around the house and lighten her daily load.
http://www.pinksuzie.com/2007/09/13/want-more-sex-do-more-houseworks/
If she is otherwise healthy but not interested in sex, then she needs to seek professional help.
In a marriage , we try to please and satisfy our partners.
Man and woman are not the same.Woman needs more mental and physical stimulations before they want to have sex.
You need to please them and meet their needs before they can let go.
If they have unmet needs , then sex would not be a pleasure
but a duty which is not enjoyable and they would feel being used.
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A
female
reader, duskyrowe  +, writes (19 April 2008):
 I lived with someone for almost eight years who was not very experienced albeit older than me. He held very conservative views about sex, he did not like oral sex of any kind and did not know how to french kiss. It was like kissing a tortoise basically. We had an almost non existant sex life and he was useless in bed.
I came to the conclusion that this relationship would not work out and left him, it was the best thing I ever done. I am now with my boyfriend of six months and we have a fantastic sex life and he knows how to turn me on, where as my ex did not have a bloody clue.
I am not for one minute assuming that your partner is thinking this so please do not take offence with what I have written, this is my personal experience.
What was you sex life like when you guys first met? If it was good to start off with, how did things go downhill?
Or was it bad from start to finish?
The important thing in having a successful relationship is being in tune with each others bodies, knowing what turns your partner on and vice versa. Communication holds a very important key with any relationship, instead of asking her why she rejects you. how about you try another tactic and ask her what turns her on/off in bed, that way you are asking her a question in a positive way rather than a negative way.
Hopefully you may get answers out of her, and then get tot he bottom of this too. If not then I suggest you guys go and see a Sex Therapist, please don't cringe at the idea give it some thought and see how things go its worth a try if you want to salvage this relation ship. You can contact me personally if you like I will be more than happy to help.
Dusky xxxxx.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (19 April 2008):
That is good to know. Using the old testament as an argument gave me the wrong impression.
If she is refusing to even speak about it then you may have a problem.
Sit her down when you are calm and relaxed and tell her you need to know what is wrong. Not because you want sex, but because you care about her and are worried something may be wrong. Really listen to her and think about what she is saying.
Then figure out ways you can make it better together.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionContrary to your assumptions I am kind, considerate, romantic, thoughtful and do many nice things. I never demand sex or even directly ask for it. Yes I woo my partner, yes I've purchased a manual for ideas, and yes I've tried to talk about it with my partner. I never get any reason, just rejection. If my partner never wants sex when I do then how do you think I feel? According to most people here that is okay. I guess I should just wait until my partner feels like it? Personally yes I would do it even if I wasn't in the mood because I love my partner and that isn't something that can be faked.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2008): I think she does right. Who wants to have sex with someone who isn't interested that day? Some people are more selfish than others but also, some people are self-sacrificing and that is their choice.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (18 April 2008):
If she doesn't want to have sex then she shouldn't have to.
If you don't want sex then you shouldn't have to. The whole thing of HAVING to satisfy your husband is old fashioned and wrong.
I got married because I wanted to spend my life with one man and no other. I did not sign up or vow to be his prostitute.
The old testament also says that if a man kills your cow, he must give you 3 goats. It is a set of rules from thousands of years ago now. You can't take it all literally.
How do you ask her for sex? Do you go up and say "I want sex" or do you go up and make her feel sexy and tell her you want HER.
You have no right for sex. If you want it then romance her and get her in the mood. Make her feel like it is love rather than just you feeling horny.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, duskyrowe +, writes (18 April 2008):
I feel it is high time you guys sat down and discussed the intimate side of your relationship, don't you?
There are thousands of couples who don't communicate about their relationship, they just simply go through the same tired old motions and get very complacent.
When was the last time you wooed your partner with flowers,romantic dinner for two etc etc. These little things do mean a lot to most women, sometimes their partner overlooks this and sees their partner as a sexual being and not a human being. As for refusing sex now and then, don't let sex get too mechanical and boring.
Spice it up, by lots of kissing,touching,massaging and last of all asking one another what their fantasies are.
Have you ever read a sex manual and got ideas on how to keep things alive in the bedroom. This is my secret to a happy and healthy sex life with my partner, trying new things out and keeping our relationship exciting too.
Good Luck Hun and keep us posted. Dusky xxxx.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (18 April 2008):
Anonymous male,
One way to summarize your problem is "I wish my wife had sex with me even if she were not in the mood". I believe that this way of putting it makes it easier to give opinions.
Saying "no" to sex, every now and then, is not being selfish. Some women don't want sex when their period is near. Some women do have a headache. Maybe you have not had this problem, but sometimes the man doesn't want it. Has it ever happened to you that you feel pain in your testicles? The sort of pain that goes away in one day or two? And even saying "no" just because you're not in the mood doesn't make you selfish.
However, as Vsnod said, if you say "no" most of the time, then that IS indeed a problem. If you want sex every day and your wife wants it every month, well, that's a serious matter. But even then that might not be because one of the partners is selfish, but just because of a different level of interest in sex. Maybe this is your problem with your partner? You want sex way more frequently than she does?
I wonder if two people can be in the mood at exactly the same time, all the time. I don't think this is possible.
Many people sort of compromise, and occassionally the partner who doesn't want it at the moment will have sex just to pleae the other one. Something like "Dear, I'm not in the mood, but I'll do it for you". This would be reaasonable but I wouldn't push my luck. If sex becomes something you do just so that your partner will stop nagging, you're not as much into it.
I don't know if she says "no" because she knows you never will. Something doesn't add up there. I don't think this is just that she's taking unfair advantage of you.
And then, I need to say that I'm very bad at doing anything I don't feel like doing.
However, I do understand your point. Do you think there is room for discussing this? I'm afraid not. It seems like your partner won't compromise on this.
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A
male
reader, EasyEK  +, writes (18 April 2008):
A reasonably sound reason must be given as to why she can not have sex with you when you feel like consumating your relationship with her. Otherwise it is purely a selfish behaviour of not thinking as to what that implies to the other person. Personally a sex turn-down (with no valid reason) will inevitably create a sense of not being wanted, not being loved.....
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A
female
reader, vsnod  +, writes (18 April 2008):
 And it really depends on many things. If a partner almost NEVER wants to have sex, then that IS a problem. But for me, if I am really not in the 'mood' then I don't want to fake being into it. Do you really want to make your partner do something that they do not want to do? How will that make them feel?
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