A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am writing about a controversial topic: race. My inquiry today is in regards to the fact that I find it disturbing that some people still think race is an issue in regards to dating and relationships in today's modern society. Let me expalin my situation. I am a white male living on a Native American reservation. In general, I have been very comfortable working in the area and feel accepted my the majority of people in the area, except for younger Native American females around my age. I have become very interested in one woman I work with and would very much like to ask her out on a date. During our first few weeks working together she was very nice to me and I felt good about any chances I possibly had. However, her subtle comments toward white people, males specifically, have increased in the last two weeks and I find them disturbing. They are not overtly harmful or racist, but she says them when I am around and clearly wants me to hear them as she makes eye contact when saying them. I find these comments hurtful at times in that in today's age I feel that we should be past this. I am aware of the suffering that has happened in the past to Native Americans, but does that warrant such treatment in 2010? I know many elders in the local culture may preach such ideas to the younger generations, but can't the youth look past these ideas. The woman in question seems very proud to be Native American, which is great, and is very well educated. So how on earth can such a person appear so narrow minded and completely disregard me as a potential boyfriend based on my race? Can't younger people of any race overcome the hatred of the past and judge someone based on who they are as a person rather than skin color? My parens raised me to follow my heart, that love is literally color blind, and that race is just another difference in people like hair or eye color. What are other people's thoughts on the issue? Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can approach this woman and let her know how I feel about her and also how her comments make me feel?
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female
reader, SirenaBlusera  +, writes (20 March 2010):
 You say you're not confident... to be sincere, that might be a contributing factor.
I realize there are cultural differences and I hope I don't offend anyone, I don't know loads about them. But I guess that confidence is almost universally admired?
Race is an issue for some people, though not for everyone.
There also may be pressure coming from her family. Not saying her family is right or wrong. It's just that it happens!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2010): Well put avid, I do understand that a lot of the problems are far from over on the reservation and that I will never fully comprehend the Native American mindset on these problems. Although she might be justified in taking this stance when generalizing about white people, how can she keep these feelings toward an individual. As you said, I do consider myself a caring person and I feel that she has seen this side of me through the work we do together with children. She continues to be friendly with me and I do feel like we have flirted with each other at times when the two of us are usually alone together. She tends to says the comments I mentioned before when other Native Americans are around. Could it be that she actually does find me interesting but is just held back by what others may think of her if she were to go out with a white person? How could I approach the subject with her in an appropriate manner? I think that two mature adults SHOULD be able to discuss such a matter together, I just wouldn't know where to start or how to bring it up to her. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Especially from you avid, you appear to be educated and have some strong views on the topic. And by the way, I guess I am the exception that your mentioned. Although I may be a white male, I am not very confident (I mean, why would I be looking for advice on here if I were, I have actually never had a girlfriend).
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A
male
reader, uncutdan +, writes (19 March 2010):
 Most of the people in the world are ignorant and only believe what they do because their parents believed it, or someone they look up to believes a certain way. So we have severe generational dysfunction. Ronald Reagan addressed the UN council in the 80's and said that it will take an outside threat to all of the people of the earth to bring us together.
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A
female
reader, avid  +, writes (19 March 2010):
Of COURSE race is still an issue - whether in relationships or in pretty much any aspect of society. I'm sure you are a tolerant and open-minded individual but at the end of the day you are a white heterosexual male. You are therefore privileged and the negative comments about your race this women has made are probably some of the only such remarks you have heard in your life. For you racism isn't an issue in 2010 because you don't experience it everyday. You can say race is just any other difference which may be technically true but this isn't how people experience it. You say you are aware of the suffering that Native Americans have suffered in the past but that makes it sounds like racism and problems resulting their appalling repression have ended. I'm sure from living on a reservation you know that these issues are far from over. In such circumstances can you not understand why ethnic minorities are often angry and resentful of white people?
Racism doesn't work both ways - white people are in a much more powerful position than other ethnicities and so treatment based on someone's race has a totally different meaning and effect than vice versa. Until oppression towards ethnic minorities has ended white people should expect resentment from those that are oppressed. Now I'm not in any way against relationships between people from different ethnic backgrounds but I can understand why some people who are not white feel this way. One of the ways ethnic minorities have sought to fight against the destruction of their culture and to protect themselves from racism is to maintain strong communities. These communities are threatened by people having relaitonships outside their ethnicity. White people have the dominant culture. The effects of racism or sexism can be overt like not being able to vote or get a good job but can also be much more insidious. White people or men are overall (OVERALL, I understand there are exceptions) more confident and have higher expectations that they believe (and are often correct in believing) will be met. An imbalance of power can be a major problem in a relationship especially when the one in the dominant position doesn't understand the ways they are in a superior situation. You can be "colourblind" as there are no costs for you but for the woman you like this there will be and she may not be willing to make them.
Basically I'm trying to explain where the woman you are interested might be coming from and that I believe she is justified in taking this stance. It's not about whether or not you are a good guy - I'm sure you are a wonderful caring person. But try to have more understanding of what it REALLy means to be of a different colour/gender/sexuality. I hope this gives you something to think about. Take care
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A
female
reader, Spades  +, writes (19 March 2010):
 Yes their treatment was unfair, as was the treatment of many other cultures. But that does not warrant her behaviour. The fact is racisism still exsists and for a lot of people is a factor in regards to dating and/or relationships. I'm not condoning this, I'm simply stating the truth. You can approach her. Be polite but assertive. If she perceives you as weak, she is less likely to take you seriously. Don't talk too much about how it makes you feel. Just tell her that you do not appreciate her making these comments around you, and ask her to stop immedietly.Obviously you can word that however you like. But like I said before, be polite AND assertive.
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A
male
reader, AvgGuy1 +, writes (19 March 2010):
How one is RAISED and the surrounding community greatly affect attitudes... in both directions. I too used to live in a town... on a reservation. The town was predominantly white and there were many negative attitudes towards the Native Americans. I'm sure that the NAs had similar attitudes towards the whites 'in town'.
It sounds to me though, that she's trying to 'tell' you that she's not really attracted to either you or all white guys. OR it could be that her family has forbidden her from dating/marrying a non-native american. A female chinese friend of mine once had me drop her off a couple of blocks from her house. Just because he father would freak out if she saw me (a white guy) drop her off at home. It could be that she just doesn't find white guys physically attractive or she has some predisposition to believe that whites are this or whites are that (comes from how she was raised).
I really don't know what to tell you... other than maybe just try to be friends first... and eventually you might be able to ask her out on a date.
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A
female
reader, SirenaBlusera +, writes (19 March 2010):
It's true that Native Americans have suffered a lot in the past, and their treatment was completely unfair... it makes ME angry.
Slavery and racial discrimination make me angry, as well. I didn't choose to be white but I am sure that a lot of people, race whatever, feel the way I feel. I hate injustice and racism.
I don't think it should stand in the way of love, though. I think you should politely, and I mean politely, talk to one of the elders about this. You live and work on a Native American reservation and you say that most of the people accept you. Is there someone you would feel comfortable talking to about this?
I don't know much about Native American culture, it's interesting though. I do know that apparently a lot of marriages between whites/Native Americans have taken place in the past. I dated a guy who was part Native American once and he says that a lot of people in this area come from similar backgrounds. So, it HAS happened.
In regard to race in general:
I am really attracted to Mexican guys, and I'm from USA and of Irish/British/Spanish/etc. descent. I'm here on this site because of a Mexican guy. I would definitely marry a Mexican, and even though some people think I'm weird, there are many people who understand how I feel.
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