A
female
age
30-35,
*ashionistaRetro
writes:Hi everyone,I have been with my fiance for almost 3 years now and things have been very bad for almost 2 years. The first year of our relationship was amazing but now it is nearly 2 years of him not treating me right and then apologising and me giving him chances and chances and chances.All he does is break every single promise. There have been instances where I have had enough and wanted to leave him but I cannot bring myself to do it, I love him so much. I cannot leave him, I just can't it breaks m heart to leave him and it breaks my heart to stay with him. I do not know what to do. I feel that I am trapped.The problems in our relationship are, that he doesn't show me enough affection he doesn't kiss me or hug me like he used to. He also doesn't show any care when I am crying. He verbally abuses me even more if do cry. He calls me things like "whore" and "bitch". it really hurts my feelings and I have told him and sat him down about it and spoke to him about how he treats me really horribly and it really hurts. He promises never to do it anymore but he ALWAYS DOES IT again. It is as if I am not allowed to talk about any problems in our relationship in a nice adult way. He would get all angry and say I am starting a fight and then verbally abuse me again and leave me to cry there all alone. He never has any remorse for his actions. And believes a "sorry" should be enough for everythingThis really hurts my feelings as I never thought he was this kind of man. I have given him countless chances to never swear at me like that again but he does it again. He keeps breaking my heart time and time again.He shuts me off like this all the time. Never listening to how I am feeling. It is either his way or there is hell to pay. He believes is right on everything, and that I am a "whiney nagging bitch" in his words. He says that it is MY fault and I make him verbally abuse me by bringing up issues in our relationship. I don't even bring up these issues in a bad way. I say it in a kind way but he just gets angry and turns into a monster. It is very scary. I have tried many things though, I have even let it go and went back to normal hoping that he will be kind and loving and caring lie he has promised to be. BUT HE NEVER IS.I am in a very difficult situation as he is a VERY difficult person. He believes he is right about everything, he says that I made him this way by asking "to be loved". But all I am asking is to spend more time together doing the fun things that we used to do. I am also asking why he doesn't care one bit when I am crying because he makes me cry on a daily basis now for many weeks. It seems as if me being this hurt doesn't even phase him one bit. He would let me cry and worsen it by verbally abusing me even more. it is as if he has no feelings for me.I have now told him that I have left him but he won't take it. This is what he always does, he starts to manipulate me into taking him back by emotional blackmail. He is sending innocent text messages about how "I don't know why this happens, it just does baby i love you" That's it!I expect him to fight for me, not send a message as if he is the victim.I don't know if I should stand my ground and leave him which might help him finally see what he has lost and maybe one day he will come back to me after changing his ways and realising what he has lost. BUT I am scared that will jeopardise our relationship for good. I don't want to lose him, I just want him to see what he is doing to me all these months.OR Should I once again attempt to fix things and give him another chance.And if so, how? How do I fix things? Because right now I don't know anymore. Please help.
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emotional blackmail, fiance, I love you, text, trapped Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Red591  +, writes (19 March 2013):
 Ok........he sounds like a narcissist sociopath. This will never improve. I am sooooooooooooo sorry but I dealt with a guy once that was prince charming the first year and a monster after that. He did much of the same things you mention except i caught him cheating and threw him out of my house. Let me tell you that even though i was very hurt, I also felt an odd sense of liberation. I knew that I no longer had to be mentally manipulated anymore. Each day I became happier and happier. Sweetie, you have to get out NOW!!! it seems so impossible to do but once you step off the ledge, you will immediately feel a sense of relief. Please get away from him. these people don't change
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (19 March 2013):
 i think you need to break up with him without conditions. don't do it with the intentions of it opening his eyes and making him come running. do it because you KNOW you deserve better and you've tried everything, but nothing works.
you've exhausted yourself trying to make him stop treating you this way. put your foot down and get your self-confidence back, girl. no body deserves to be spoken to the way he is speaking to you. i would never dream of speaking like that to someone i claimed to love, nor would i ever even once tolerate being spoken to that way. one and done is my rule of thumb. if i opened my mouth and words like those came out to my girlfriend, i'd expect the consequences to be me being promptly single. vice versa. i know you love this guy, but think rationally. is this really how you want to spend the rest of your life?
it is possible he could change and learn to treat people differently. but it probably will take something drastic like losing you to be the catalyst. but i don't think it's fair for you to stick around to wait on him. you deserve better, sweetheart. don't ever think otherwise. there's too many good girls staying with men like this. don't hold your breath for the miraculous change. just move on and realize that life is too short. good luck.
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (19 March 2013):
 I absolutely agree with iAmHereToHelpYou. I usually advise people to try and work things out with a long term relationship, but your case is different. This man is abusive, and if you take him back, the abuse is going to escalate. For now he's using words, but in time, he'll start to use his fists. I know a few women who continue to stay with their abusive partners in the hope of them suddenly changing one day. The abuser never changes, and if you stay with him, either he will end up killing you or you will end up killing him in self-defense or someone is going to end up in the hospital. I am painting this morbid picture for you, in the hope that you take heed and get the hell out of this disastrous relationship.
Sorry to be so blunt, but I think you need to hear the ugly truth.
Get out. Get therapy and begin the journey of learning to love yourself, so that you will not allow another abuser to enter your life.
If you do not begin this process, you may have the susceptibility to attract another abuser like him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2013): A real part of growing up is working out consequences. Another part is figuring out that first loves are often more an addiction than a happily ever after.The way he is acting is terrible, but I am not surprised. THere are many guys in particular whose bodies grow faster than their maturity.I think that you should leave, because his behaviour will escalate and by then it may turn into something far worse. I would break contact and give him a chance for him to work out that there is a price to pay for bad behaviour. CHances are after 6 months he will learn his lesson and so will you. He will want you back but you will struggle to see why you wasted your time trying to fix everything.People often over estimate the short term pain and underestimate the long term consequences. Short term pain of breaking up will be far better thant he long term pain of abuse. Who knows one day he might become a saint and I really hope so. But this would unlikely so try to pin your hopes on a better life without him. Remember many many other people have been through this, so learn from their successes and failures. You are not alone in this
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