A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Can you guys tell me what you think...Is not being sexually attracted to your husband a deal breaker in a marriage? We have been together 14 years and have children. There was a spark and chemistry between us when we first met and into the first five years but that has since faded. I am just not attracted to him anymore. In fact, a lot of the time I feel repulsed by him. Why am I feeling this way? I feel so guilty because I want the spark to be there but it just isn't. I don't know what to do!!! I can't go on this way. I am starting to feel something for another man and the situation with my husband is putting me in a position where I could possibly cheat!!! Please help.
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male
reader, infor25  +, writes (7 September 2011):
Are you my wife? I'm joking obviously but because i have the exact same question which is how I found your post - some of what you're saying is pertinent to my situation. Can't answer your question obviously but I can ramble and perhaps we can both learn something here.
We have two teens, two jobs, two cars, two lives, one house. But no sex. Before kids we had good - i'll not say ultimate sex but it was good and frequent. Now we have next to none because even though we both want it, I can't give it (at least not without some personal basic mental conflict) because I know 100% she no longer finds me sexually attractive. Ugh! And she doesn't initiate it because well - she does not find me sexually attractive... Impasse.
This has been apparent to me for two years and only now has the wife actually fessed up to that being the true status and only because I stated that I knew in my mind that that was her mental state regarding me.
Neither of us has lost our 20's shape and we are both considered attractive by others. We both get 'eye sexed' regularly by others - I'm sure you know what I'm talking about there. We know each other inside out, we talk, we laugh, we are the best of friends. She's naked on top of our bed sleeping and looking absolutely beautiful as I write this but can I initiate an encounter? You bet yer ass I can not. The body language of rejection again? Can't take it. The pain is like a knife in the side.
And so we have talked about what to do. We're currently agreed on not giving up on our way of life, the house, and if you like, the appearance of a fully integrated family unit proceeding with no problems at all. An example if you like of just how well two people can go through life together in harmony. But - As you see there's a big problem underneath.
I am getting to the point where perhaps a 'hall pass' is a potential answer for my wife. I have thus run the scenario in my head.
If she takes the hall pass - what will happen after that? She will I assume, satisfy an immediate and highly important urge and may after that be able to re-evaluate whether at her age 46 it's truly worth parting ways and starting over. I have no doubt she could come up with a good replacement and fast - she's such a terrific person the line would form quickly.
Perhaps she might mentally re-discover her original man (me) while being intimate with someone else. I doubt this - but optimistically it is a possibility. That's how we first realized we wanted to be together for keeps. But then this raises the question - if she re-discovers me after letting someone else sexually ravage her - how am I going to react? I don't know. I reacted poorly last time 25 years ago. Couldn't eat, sleep, function at all. Would this time be any different? Will it destroy me further? I fear it might destroy me completely.
A few years ago I met a girl younger than my wife and she fair and square stole my affection and I hers. I did not cheat (have any form of sex) - but I could have. Yes that is the truth. We had an amazing connection. She loved that I was mature unlike all the men her age. And she was incredibly beautiful face to face. Hours passed in seconds every time we were together. In hindsight could that possibly have worked in the long term? Honestly no. She knew that, my wife knew that and so did I. The connection was severed and the wife and I were rejuvenated (spelling?)in many ways but I knew she was deeply hurt.
Now the situation is different. I am the one hurting because the most important person in my life no longer looks at me with come to bed eyes - ever. Lots of other women do but the wife? Nope.
Flippin' problem I tell you. Can't get my head around this one. I've been faithful since we decided to marry. I think she has also. So there you go. Consider this offering a perspective from the husband you no longer find physically/sexually attractive.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2011): If you were attracted once, close your eyes and imagine. Turn off the lights and give it to him. Seriously, your post and all the answers are about I, me, I don't feel... totally selfish. What happened to promising to love/honor/cherish? Did you get married for what he can do for you, and not expect to meet his needs? That's called prostitution.Turn out the lights, make it happen. If it's not good enough, tell him what you want him to do. Just because he's finished doesn't mean you have to be...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2011): "the situation with my husband is putting me in a position where I could possibly cheat"
Why cheat?
Why not separate or divorce.
Cheating happens for reasons, and you are the perfect age for it, and have the perfect set up (married, children, feeling guilty).
Read some books before you do it with another guy.
After the Affair
Surviving the Affair
ACOA Sourcebook
Just some good examples, but there are more.
Who is the other guy? What is he to you? How do you see and meet him and interact with him?
Did your mother or father cheat, divorce, fight, drink, drug, and do you or your husband do any of that?
You might learn something about yourself, first, before you let the other guy find out how you are in the bedroom.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (26 February 2011):
I agree with everyone else.
Just a quick reminder not to cheat though. Two days ago, there was a small article in a magazine here in Britain written by a woman explaining why it's not a good idea to cheat.
She was having an affair. She thought her husband didn't know. Then one day, a brown envelope came through the post not addressed to her, but to her CHILDREN. The eldest opened it, and inside were ten explicit photos and a DVD of her cheating with this man in the marital bed.
Her husband had known about the affair, and to make sure she was screwed entirely, he had a P.I. take photos and video.
Of course, now her kids hate her and won't see her.
Moral of the story - don't cheat because it WILL destroy everything you have. Your kids might find out, and then you'll be left nothing.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 February 2011):
 Yes, I think lack of sexual attraction is a deal breaker in marriage, it ends to be so in practice even if you don't want it to be so, - forcing yourself to be intimate with someone you find repulsive generates a lot of supressed anger and hostility that shows up in other forms, like bickering, or distancing yourself, etc. and it erodes closeness more and more.
Also,there may be reasons for why you felt this way after the first 5 years of mutual attraction, and it sure is worth exploring them to try and find out what the problem could be, and therefore the solution, - but alas, I think some times there is no reason, except the impermanence of all human things. We want to believe that love is forever, that feelings and passion will last forever, but the truth is that - people change. Their tastes needs wants passions emotions change in time, and two life paths that once looked and felt very connected will be totally diverging 20 years later. Also on a physical level.
Said that though, I surely don't advise to give up a 14 y.o. marriage and a family with 2 kids without a fight- maybe a fight with yourself. You could try couple counseling. Or maybe the spark died down because of routine and monotony, perhaps a nice romantic vacation ( without the kids ) could reignite it. Also think if anything particular happened to hurt you or disappoint you at the time when you started feeling turned off, often people down play things that bother them because they don't want to argue- "it's no big deal " but you can trick the mind, never the body, and the body shuts off in revenge. Perhaps you also need to get back your complicity , to feel best mates before than husband and wife, so you should try spending more time together , going out or talking about common hobbies or playing a sport together. There are many different things you could try , guided by a counselor and by your own intuition. Do try them, and if nothing works, then unluckily it's time to part ways - before you resort to cheating.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (26 February 2011):
 Has he gained weight? His overall appearance has changed dramatically in 14 years? How's your sex life? There's got to be some reason why you aren't physically attracted to him anymore. Unless you were never attracted to him to begin with.
Another thought I had was perhaps you haven't had much of dating experience before you met him and you're wanting to go out and explore it now.
If he's gained weight, then you can help him lose it by cooking healthy low fat meals. Now if it's his overall appearance there's not much he can do, maybe he would benefit from a makeover. As far as your sex life goes, you can spice it up by taking a trip to your local sex shop..Costumes, couples toys, whips, etc. Just mere suggestions.
I think you benefit from marriage counseling, if you're willing to salvage your marriage. If not, then it's best to get a divorce before you end up committing adultery.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (26 February 2011):
 and yes, i would agree that if a woman finds there is no sexual attraction between her and the other party then she should not have to endure making love to him.
But if she is married to him, and there are children of the marriage, and she once did sense a spark between them, then she can at least try to revive the relationship as marriages do go through troughs and peaks from time to time
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (26 February 2011):
have you tried counselling? In all marriages there is an unspoken often unacknowledged marriage contract (examples at end)
Break that marriage contract and the marriage goes sour and the relationship goes downhill, often with the couple not knowing why.
The couple get into a set way of doing things. Become rigid, judgemental and unable to change.
First try to improve the communication between the two of you.
Look at the marriage and try to identify if you are not spending enough quality time alone together. You should be going on a (just the two of you, not with friends) date together once a month.
Redecorate the main bedroom, get rid of clutter, buy a new mattress. See if that will make it better.
Ask him what he enjoys you doing most when you make love. Tell him what you want when you make love. Read some ArtIcles on DC on how to spice things up.
Go on a fitness routine together. Once people get less fit, and bits sag then they can appear less attractive.
If all else and all above fail then see a divorce lawyer and get a divorce before you start to play the field.
Examples of an
unacknowledged marriage contract.
For example (none of these apply to you, but are just examples of such a contract)1. He will ignore her obnoxious laugh and her spendthrift ways if she will say nothing negative about his patronising mother and continue to ignore his passion for attending car rallies to the exclusion of all other social activities.
2 he will climb up the corporate ladder
so that she has an opportunity to flex her
social climbing skills at the same time.
3. She will retain her figure and never get fat like his two sisters who he cannot stand, just to show up his sisters and he will never have money worries like her parents because he is so driven about money that she also has seen the need for a part time job, just so she has some discretionary spending money. But she accepts that as he is extraordinary good at accumulating money such that she knows the family is secure financially.
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