A
male
age
41-50,
*dam c
writes:My wife and I have been married for 4 years. We have been together for the better part of a decade. My wife has been sexually and emotionally unattentive to say the least, for a few years now. I understand that sex declines with the length of a marriage but I am 28 and she just turned 27 so I think that 2 times a month is a bit unreasonable. I have talked to her about my concerns many times and she says she will work on them and try to make things better. She has even gone to a therapist for help in dealing with her issues. She says it is her low self esteem that leads to all of our problems and her therapist agrees. I compliment her all the time and her therapist says that is a good thing and that I am doing all that I can and that the final changes have to come from my wife. (I had a session with her therapist per my wifes request)The problem is that despite my wifes promises to me to try to make things better and the fact that she sees a therapist once a week she really isnt doing anything to make changes that I can see. Her therapist told her to just have sex with me 3 times in one week. My wife agreed that she is attracted to me and that the only issue is her self esteem. She also agreed that she enjoys sex with me. My wife(out of the blue) told me that her therapist said to do this and my wife told me she was going to. That was 3 months ago and we are still having sex 2 times a month if I am lucky. The amount has not picked up at all and she has not mentioned anything else about it.When I tried to talk to her about it she just blew me off. I was mad because I felt like she wasnt making an effort and because we are paying a therapist that she isnt listening to and isnt even trying to do the things the therapist recommends. Its more than the frequency of our love making that troubles me though.Participation during is another concern for me. It always has to be the same way with the lights off in the bed. I am young and I would like to make things more interesting. My wife looks very attractive in her t shirt and flannel pajama pants but it gets redundant taking the same thing off of her every time. She has a drawer full of lingerie that she refuses to wear citing her self esteem. I dont get it though. If she can be nude in front of me why cant she be in a sexy bra and panties? The other day I told her I was going to order her some thigh high cotton stockings. Big fantasy of mine and she knows that. she immediately shot me down and told me not to waste the money because she wont wear them. I tried to convey to her that it is a big fantasy of mine and that it was very important to me. I was immediately shut down by her saying "I dont want to and you shouldnt try to convince me to do something I dont want to do" I would understand if I were asking for a 3sum but I was asking her to wear a pair of socks for Christs sake.It is the same with every major and minor thing. She cant be on top because of her self esteem and we cant talk about it because I am trying to convince her to do something she doesnt want to do. we cant take pictures. we cant fool around outside the bedroom. no sexy high heels in bed. everything I ask for is rejected.I am at a loss and I have no idea what to do. She has been "working" on her self esteem for 3 years now and promising me that things are going to get better. They arent getting better. They arent even beginning to get better and I dont believe she cares or is even trying to make them better.Please Help, what should I do?
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male
reader, chlez83  +, writes (7 December 2007):
You really do have a problem at hand and one thing you won't be too pleased in hearing is that you need LOTS of patience with your wife.As long as you are sure her behaviour's not a result of cheating on you,you really should suffer the patience.Besides love's not only about the good times but the bad as well.I'm sure your wife's trying to find a solution to your problem and with time i know she can find her self-esteem and behave differently.Just continue loving her,she's not abnormal at all.She's got a problem and you must do your best in helping her overcome it.Don't put the blame on her.
All the best.
A
female
reader, missmel34  +, writes (6 December 2007):
 Can I just start by saying you a every womens dream man, understanding, thoughtful, concerned.
But the thing is, some people are simply not sexual. For whatever reason, they find the thought of sex uncomfortable.
Have you had a baby in this time? Because having a child can absolutley ravage a woman sexually. With my first child I had a 3rd degree tear through my perineum, it totally changed the way I felt about my body and sex for over 2 years.
One thing you can do is see your family doctor and talk about it. Some sexual disfunction can have a medical cause. Is she depressed? Are her hormones out of balance?
However if that isn't the issue, I don't really know what else to say. You can't make a person do something they simply don't want to do.
Women do develop sexually into their 30's. So perhaps in time and with continued therapy she can develop an acceptance of her sexuality.
I feel for you, I really do. It would be torture not to be able to express love to your partner.
Good Luck.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (6 December 2007):
 It sounds like she knows what the issue is but has not reached the bottom yet. Does this self esteem problem affect her in other ways? As long as you allow her to get off the hook, she'll not make the big effort to change. I don't say that with the intention of encouraging you to make her feel bad or hurt her, just as my view.
Quite often, people who are less sexually driven can not see the harm it can cause a marriage. The person with the stronger drive has no options. This person is quite frankly at the mercy of the person with the low drive. You can buy all the toys and sexy clothes you want but it will do know good if she's not in the right frame of mind. If it is not important to that person, they will not change.
It's difficult for me to understand why a partner will not open up sexually. I don't see any advantage of not at least trying new things. It's like food, you don't know if you like it until you taste it. I do believe that many women are raised to think that sex is not what "ladies" should be so interested in. This leaves all the work to the man. Eventually he tires of doing all the work and making all the effort. He needs to feel desired too. He needs to feel like his wife is interested in him and for what he has to offer. No man likes to feel like he's forcing his wife to try new things. He wants to feel that she is on the same page. What is the harm in trying?
I can see where you're coming from. I also think that you're only frustrating yourself by trying to get her to wear lingerie etc before she's ready. That will just make her more frustrated. I also hope that your desires are in line with what is "normal". Don't buy into what the media tells us we should be doing, that's not accurate either.
I'd say you should have a talk with your wife and the therapist. Set a time line and put some pressure(nicely) on her to make the change. Try to find out what is the issue that she is hung up on. Finally, it's possible she'll never meet you in the middle.
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A
female
reader, Star_07 +, writes (6 December 2007):
 I dont know dude! She sounds like she is using her "self-esteem" as an excuse almost. Well, at least the way you put it. Im sure you have told her how much you are attracted to her and how much you desire her and all that. Sounds like you are really trying to work on this. Hmmm.. What IS she comfortable with? That might be the first question Id ask. What MIGHT she be willing to try? Talk to her about it but maybe ask more questions, try to ease any pressure she might feel.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2007): I understand where your wife is coming from. I have very low self esteem as well. It is hard for me to get on top and role play. But, I do want to try for my partner's sake. I do think that your wife should be trying. I would try to talk to her calmy and tell her that ya'll can just start with one thing at a time. Good luck. So sorry!
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