A
male
age
,
*aranoid hubby
writes:please help me to make a decision about my relationship?i am suspicious of my wife dating another man after reading a message on facebook to her friend stating she was going on a date but i arrived home that night discovering "going out clothes and high heels" which she said the baby had been playing with. i have also discovered texts asking for advice on this man ("she does not want to waste her time on an immature jerk") she has been dialing/receiving calls from him on her cell and home phone too. i spend quite a few days on the road each week and am not certain if she has started dating him yet but don't know how to approach her with a question as the only evidence(perhaps on circumstantial)i have, has been from my snooping which i am not proud of and know that a good relationship should be based on trust. please help me as am paranoid about every move she makes and unable to eat, the stress is unbearable and i know that is effecting our relationship. i am totally besotted with her but don't know if i can keep up the illusion of everything being fine. she does have a very colorful past of which she told me and was very honest about (prostitution, drug addiction, promiscuity)and the past i can live with but don't want to base our future on my paranoia and snooping?
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male
reader, paranoid hubby +, writes (23 January 2010):
paranoid hubby is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell was unable to hold my peace and just came out with the accusations. she confirmed that she knew this guy and it was only as a friend. she did go out twice with him, but only for a drive (3 hour drives both times, mind). she has apoligised for being so stupid and because we are new to this town, she was feeling lonely. she states that nothing happened between them and again i feel i am back to square one again with all the doubt. i feel like giving her the benefit of the doubt, but know that trust on both parts is lost. my trust of what she says she will be doing and her trust of me not spying on her. lots of things don't add up to me and everytime i think of something else that i was unable to bring up earlier, tears will follow and then she raises her voice stating she just wants to put things behind us and see if we can move, but really know that i am the only one who can make that decision, can i live with my paranoia and hope things work out or just end things hoping i have made the right decision based on my doubts of her and if she will ever be honest with me???
A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (20 January 2010):
Oh sh-t... Sorry to hear this. I hope you got registration number and car type to really give her a shock. Don't get your arm twisted in the confrontation. She can hold onto her story for several hours. If you can outlast her these first few hours then she will wear down. Don't get your mind confused, you know what you saw; she will say anything she can to get out of it. I know this sounds ridiculous but start early evening so that maybe you can crack her by 2 or 3am when she is tired and wants to sleep and not so coherent. Don't let anyone go to bed until you are done. I am speaking from experience. Start at a time when no one can escape to get ideas from others on how to cover up their tracks. If you ask her in the morning then she goes off to work, by the time she gets home her alibi will be water tight. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Angzw +, writes (20 January 2010):
Oh sh-t... Sorry to hear this. I hope you got registration number and car type to really give her a shock. Don't get your arm twisted in the confrontation. She can hold onto her story for several hours. If you can outlast her these first few hours then she will wear down. Don't get your mind confused, you know what you saw; she will say anything she can to get out of it. I know this sounds ridiculous but start early evening so that maybe you can crack her by 2 or 3am when she is tired and wants to sleep and not so coherent. Don't let anyone go to bed until you are done. I am speaking from experience. Start at a time when no one can escape to get ideas from others on how to cover up their tracks. If you ask her in the morning then she goes off to work, by the time she gets home her alibi will be water tight. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, paranoid hubby +, writes (20 January 2010):
paranoid hubby is verified as being by the original poster of the questionagain i would like to thank everyone for their feedback and just to let you all know that tonight she said she would be in work but i managed to get into town and see that her car was parked at work but she wasn't there and then saw her being dropped off by her date. no doubt tomorrow will be quite interesting to see what she has to say but i won't let her know everything that i know, i will just let her carry on with her lies until i've had enough, then drop the bombshell that i'd seen her and no doubt she will just say that she only went for a drink with this guy, but i don't think i will be able to put up with her lies and deceit plus very much doubt there is a future for us.
again thank you for your opions on this matter
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A
male
reader, paranoid hubby +, writes (18 January 2010):
paranoid hubby is verified as being by the original poster of the questionfirstly i would like to thank you for your kind responses and i know it makes sense that i have to have a talk with my wife instead of letting it fester.
hopefully this update may help you in your answers to my dilemma:
the texts were to a male colleague from her job and asking questions about his background and naming of the man she has been phoning, confirming that he has asked her out. we are both new (6 months) to the area trying to make a fresh start and as she is a good looking woman, she receives a lot of attention in the store that she works. i also know that she likes to go on msn chatting and her only contacts are male and she has sent naked photos to some of them. i think she craves the attention of other men but don't know if she is acting upon it. she can tie me up in knots when we have a discussion and really can't think of how to go about asking her the vital question without revealing how i know which would then make me the guilty party (which i am to some extent). i know she is the only one i can talk to about it but don't know how to approach it as it will cause her pain for her to know of my mis-trust.
i have all these paranoid thoughts but when we speak, she seems so sincere about her feelings for me that i think i should just put it all to bed, believe there is no one else and become the good foundation upon which to build a good solid loving relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2010): Hi. She did have a colourful past didnt she! Are you really sure this doesnt affect you? Are you are really ok with it? I doubt she was going out that evening when you got home. If she was, who was looking after the baby? If you were expected back anyway, what stopped her from still going out? Your child may well have been playing dressing up with her clothes. My daughter used to do that with mine. The date she mentioned could have been anything. And the remark about wasting her time on an immature jerk. Pardon me for asking but are you sure she was talking about someone else? Just asking! You say you are paranoid about her moves. You arent eating. You are affecting your relationship with her. You are besotted with her. And you obviously have major trust issues with her because you are spying on her, by snooping on her phone and her facebook account. You need to talk to her and find out who it is shes talking about and phoning, rather than making yourself ill over it all.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (18 January 2010):
I think you need to have a serious talk with her about all this. Your evidence is circumstantial, yes. But there is enough there to make most people wonder what's going on. Perhaps try to find more evidence first, if you can, then confront her.
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A
female
reader, Angzw +, writes (18 January 2010):
You need to use the Gestapo method: "I know everything. I have been investigating. But I want to hear it from you why you are doing this to us." hopefully she will break down and tell. If she starts to deny, just walk away from her midsentence and tell her you are giving her a moment to think about what she is going to say.
Maybe invest in a recording device you can place in her car to hear her phone conversations or a hidden camera in the house. There is nothing wrong with snooping on your spouse. It helps you find things out before its too late to fix things. After all, 2 became 1 since wedding day, innit?
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A
female
reader, catee +, writes (18 January 2010):
I think that you may need to have a discussion with your wife over this, don't rush into it and don't seem angry with her, this will only make her retaliate. Just sit her down and hold her hand and ask her if she has plans to meet with another man. Don't check her phone or ask her friends because this will just embarress her. Seriously, theres nothing worse than being caught out the wrong way. Just talk to her calmy and speak truthely. This 'date' may well have been a business meeting or dinner with a friend, girls and woman say 'dates' quite a lot on a regular, daily basis. If lets say, she was going to the cinema with her friend it would be called a 'date' in her opinion. This may not be seen in a sexual or romantic way at all to her. Try and trust her and talk to her calmy and rationally. But, if you do find out that she has been cheating on you - don't get angry with her. This can cause problems that neither of you will enjoy.
Not eating due to stress can be a bit of a problem and she'll pick up on it. Yes, you have every reason to stress out on this issue and I don't blame you for it, but you will make yourself ill if this continues. Just because your wife isn't going about life the right way doesn't mean that you shouldn't.
I'm sorry if this answer hasn't really helped you a lot, I have had past experiences like this and I do help that this has made at least *some* sense. Whatever happens, believe in yourself and if you do happen to separate (which I hope doesnt happen) then think about why, did you do it for the right reason? No one deserves to be cheated on and lied to, you don't deserve to be treated like that.
Hope I helped you.
.C
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