A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So, I'm at the age (early 30's) where my partner and I are thinking it's probably time we look at starting a family. But we're undecided as to what to do.I've always been a maternal person. I've always been excited about the idea of becoming a mum. When I was young, I always pictured myself with a couple of children, helping them with their homework, singing them to sleep at night..Now that it's that time of my life, my feelings on the subject have changed. I have just the one sibling, a sister.My parents had 2 children so we had a playmate. They tried to do everything right as parents, read all the books etc. I feel my parents tried to give me the best possible start in life. Unfortunately, when my sister reached mid teens, she retreated into herself and over the next few years, she completely changed - almost like she became a totally different person. My sister is severely mentally ill.There's no formal diagnosis because she's always refused help.. but her moods are dramatically high and low, she has struggled for the past 10 years with a severe eating disorder and she's always like a bomb that's about to detonate, yet constantly provokes everyone in her life to fight with her so she can vent all her pent-up aggression. She has a history of theft, drug and alcohol abuse, violent relationships with men.. all of which my parents have had to bail her out of.It's been 10 years since my sister first became ill and she's still living with my parents. They're afraid of her, she runs their life. She contributes nothing to the household expenses and takes from them in every way possible - financially and emotionally. For at least 7 of the 10 years, I tried to be optimistic and told myself that my sister would recover.. that it was just a bad patch and that someone, somehow could save her.In reality, looking back now, I was in denial, just as my parents continue to be. I know now that I've lost the sister I grew up with, that she's never coming back. That person is dead. I spent the past 10 years grieving for the sister I lost without having the funeral ceremony. My sister is now a sociopath - a cold shell of a person and I don't think she can be helped now.Anyway, my parents are different people than they used to be. My sister has changed them, worn them down. They are poor, they can't travel, they have no friends.. they just struggle to survive under the emotional weight of living with my sister each day. They ride the waves of her emotions - she picks them up to put them down again. She manipulates them any way she wants. When I lived with them when I was younger, I had a lock put on my door because I thought she might try and kill me. Sounds nuts but it's absolutely true. I really did. At the same time though, it was my home too and I was too young and lacked too much confidence back then to just leave. When I think of having children, I think of what me and my family have struggled through over the past 10 years, how much pain we've all suffered and how a mental illness has caused so much damage to my once happy and healthy family.I have terrible genetics with mental illness - diagnosed bipolar and schizophrenia - in my extended family. I feel like I lost my sister down a big black hole and I see the burden my parents live with as they constantly try to help someone that refuses any advice, it's like banging their heads against a brick wall. If my parents hadn't had children, or only had one, their lives would be entirely different now. In an alternate reality, I imagine them travelling the world together, as they had always wanted to.. but now never will.I've become terrified of having children, terrified that I'll end up like my parents, heartbroken over a child I can't help. The chances are high my children could turn out the same way.What are your opinions? At my age, when everyone is having children it seems, it's a difficult time and you do feel pressure that your time to even MAKE this choice is running out. Do you think I'm overthinking the situation? Do you think this is reason enough to decide not to have children at all?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2015): OP here, thank you deirdre. ANY advice is very much appreciated. Thank you for taking the time to write me :)
Unfortunately, my family are so badly in denial about the gravity of the situation, that they'd never seek help. By doing that, they would be admitting to themselves she's seriously a sick woman. They have always swept it all under the rug. My mother has such a fear of mental illness, because of her family history, so they pretend it's not there. They often argue over small things, venting their displaced negative feelings. Someone in the house is always on the outer. I don't miss living in that dynamic.
I just fear one day being in THIS position with my own child & despite my best efforts, having another mental illness tear my family apart.
A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (3 June 2015):
I really feel for you and your family. Several posters have given you better advice regarding having a family, than what I can offer. However I would suggest that you talk to your parents and see if they would be open to having your sister assessed even if it meant calling the police during a violent episode. This way she could get the medical care she so badly needs. It must kill you to watch your parents suffer every time you visit, and the stress cant be good for you or them. You could even call the police if she starts on you. Something has to change because your parents wont be around forever to help your sister. Sorry, you asked for advice on whether you should have a child, I just feel this is so unfair on you and your parents. Genetics are only part of the influence on all of us by the way. Best wishes x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2015): I decided to adopt. Youd don't have to give birth to someone to be his/her mother.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2015): Thank you so much everyone. I really appreciate you all writing in. Thank you very very much!
To answer your question Euphoria30, I do personally think it's too late for my sister to get help. She's a complete psychopath. It's that bad that I don't think anyone would feel physically safe even suggesting she get help. She, along with my parents, are completely in denial about the magnitude of her problems.
I think you're totally right! Since reading your comment, I've looked into BPD & it matches her symptoms exactly!
I had a disturbing reminder yesterday of just how demented she is, on a GOOD day.
I was at my parents with my dog, who I rescued 6 months ago. He's a beautiful boy who unfortunately has had a bad start in life & as a result, he doesn't trust strangers - you have to earn his trust. My parents have spent lots of time bonding with him & he now adores them. It's so rewarding to see. He's very scared of my sister. I understand why. Her facial expressions are always aggressive. She appears so cold & I haven't seen her smile for years (unless she's hurting someone). Instead of bending down to talk to him, speaking to him softly, letting him sniff her hand etc, she stares down at him like a cockroach she wants to squash.
When I was there yesterday, she stood over him, opened her eyes wide & stared at him intensely without even blinking. Of course, being afraid of people, this made my dog very nervous & he growled slightly - so he should! Staring at a dog intensely like that is rude & insulting to any dog, far less a dog whose been mistreated. She has no empathy toward people or animals. She did this just to scare my dog because my parents love him so much - a way to hurt them & me.
Why TRY to upset such a wonderful, loving dog that would never hurt anybody & just wants to feel safe with his family?
I understand the point you made Brownwolf & I would be there for my future children no matter what happens, but I can tell you that it's much harder to love someone with a mental illness like this. It's a completely different situation to having a child with a manageable disease like diabetes. I struggle everyday to try & accept my sister's insults as being a symptom of her illness. There's nothing left of my real sister though. All I see how is only the illness.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2015): Thank you so much everyone. I really appreciate you all writing in. Thank you very very much!
To answer your question Euphoria30, I do personally think it's too late for my sister to get help. She's a complete psychopath. It's that bad that I don't think anyone would feel physically safe even suggesting she get help. She, along with my parents, are completely in denial about the magnitude of her problems.
I think you're totally right! Since reading your comment, I've looked into BPD & it matches her symptoms exactly!
I had a disturbing reminder yesterday of just how demented she is, on a GOOD day.
I was at my parents with my dog, who I rescued 6 months ago. He's a beautiful boy who unfortunately has had a bad start in life & as a result, he doesn't trust strangers - you have to earn his trust. My parents have spent lots of time bonding with him & he now adores them. It's so rewarding to see. He's very scared of my sister. I understand why. Her facial expressions are always aggressive. She appears so cold & I haven't seen her smile for years (unless she's hurting someone). Instead of bending down to talk to him, speaking to him softly, letting him sniff her hand etc, she stares down at him like a cockroach she wants to squash.
When I was there yesterday, she stood over him, opened her eyes wide & stared at him intensely without even blinking. Of course, being afraid of people, this made my dog very nervous & he growled slightly - so he should! Staring at a dog intensely like that is rude & insulting to any dog, far less a dog whose been mistreated. She has no empathy toward people or animals. She did this just to scare my dog because my parents love him so much - a way to hurt them & me.
Why TRY to upset such a wonderful, loving dog that would never hurt anybody & just wants to feel safe with his family?
I understand the point you made Brownwolf & I would be there for my future children no matter what happens, but I can tell you that it's much harder to love someone with a mental illness like this. It's a completely different situation to having a child with a manageable disease like diabetes. I struggle everyday to try & accept my sister's insults as being a symptom of her illness. There's nothing left of my real sister though. All I see how is only the illness.
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A
female
reader, Euphoria30  +, writes (1 June 2015):
Dear OP,I feel very sorry for your family situation. The heredity of bipolar disorder and schizophrenia are there, to a certain degree, but there may have been some triggers that caused the disorder to start.Also, there are many possible ways to react to a troubled teenager. Your parents let your sister refuse help, they allowed her to exploit them emotionally and financially. They also gave her the power she has today, by bailing her out of everything. I can understand what they did, they are loving parents after all, but also I ask myself if they could have done more to protect themselves AND you. I am NOT saying it's their fault. These things happen despite everybodys best efforts. But maybe - judging in hindsight, when everybody's usually wiser - they could have prevented some of the damage that your sister has caused, by being more consequent about getting treatment? And by not allowing her bad behavior to dominate everyone? Sure, it's easy for me to say that, maybe it was not possible, but you were there, it's your family. I am raising these questions so maybe you can find an answer to this. If you think that some of the damage could have been prevented by the behavior of your parents, you can raise a family without the same risks. By the way: Do you think it's too late for her to start and get treatment now? I mean, she must be in her twenties now, I don't think she has to stay like that for the rest of her life. Also, as a guess, she might also have an impulsive or borderline personality disorder, rather than being schizophrenic or bipolar. Personality disorders are not known to be particularly hereditary, so it would be good to check that before you decide anything. If you want to inform yourself about what I meant when I said she could have a personality disorder, here's a good article:http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/borderline-personality-disorder/index.shtml
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (1 June 2015):
 I think you should talk all your concerns through with a doctor or health professional. By not having children, you could be closing the door on an exciting and rewarding family life.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (1 June 2015):
 I understand your concern. mental illness is usually NOT on the list of things they can test for genetically. So on that note genetic counseling is out. (at least for that).
I would say unless there are SEVERAL family members with autism, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), bipolar disorder, major depression and schizophrenia, what your sister have MAY not be genetic. Like YouWish mentioned too. Some of these CAN be environmental. She could have done certain types of drugs (maybe not even know WHAT they were) that altered her brain chemistry. Alcohol can too, a concussion (TBI - traumatic brain injury) ditto. A lot of her risky behavior might also have been about attention and peer pressure. Something parents can do the BEST they can to try and avoid, yet it can still happen.
I would go talk to your doctor and voice your concern. TALK it through with a doctor and your husband.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (1 June 2015):
 Speaking as someone who has chosen not to have more children because of genetics (I'll explain later), I'll tell you that much of what happened with your sister and parents is as much their choices as it is the mental illness itself.
I had a son before I was diagnosed with Polycystic Kidney Disease and subsequently had to go on dialysis and then thankfully a transplant. Any child I have, including my son, has a 50% chance of my passing this down to them. Knowing this, I made the choice that my son would become my only child.
But the difference is - I WAS under a doctor's care. Your sister isn't and never was. Your parents were worn out because they didn't force her to go under treatment, traumatizing you and putting her and themselves at grave risk. You don't know whether or not it's genetic or even a diagnosed mental illness, and if so, how she would respond to proper treatment up to and including institutionalization.
Unless you have seen mental illness in several of your family members, it's possible that she messed up her brain chemistry through environment as well. I knew a guy like that - he was normal until he was 14 and huffed gasoline for the first time on a dare. It messed him up permanently and he ended up thinking he was Jesus Christ, spent lots of time in a mental hospital and on so many pills and tranquilizers that he didn't even know who he was anymore. I also worked for a care facility, and the statistic there was that over 60% of the mentally ill patients were treated as a side effect of the drugs they took in their youth. You mentioned your sister used drugs and alcohol - remember that the environment can mess up a brain as easily as genetics.
I say if you want kids, you should pursue it.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (1 June 2015):
 I think it's normal to be scared and worried about the future, health and safety of ones children. Showing such concerns and thinking about these possibilities before planning to have children just shows a level of awareness, care and responsibility. You try to be aware of the risks and make your calculated decisions.
But good as this thinking may be, it will NOT help you in this case. Because you can not predict the future. You can not know what your children will be, who they will be, if they will have mental illnesses or not. Nor do you know what mental illness, should they have one, or how strongly it will impact their lives. Nor do you know if there will be good treatment or not. But chances are, since you are aware of the family history, and you've seen it with your own eyes, you are the best qualified parent of such a child, should you happen to get one. Because you know to NOT IGNORE a mental illness or push it under the rug.
I think you are over-thinking the situation, just like all mothers-to-be are probably doing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2015): I'm from the same kind of family, I took myself out of the gene pool, because I didn't want to inflict my genetics on kids, fortunately for myself I was never maternal so it was an easier decision. It's a personal choice, but it's not as cut and dried as bio kids no kids, you can adopt, or foster and have a family, and remember that even if both parents have no history of mental illness a person can still develop one , and even if both parents families have history it's not a 100% chance. You would be able to love that child, you yourself are mentally healthy and you know the signs for when to get help if your child does need it. I'm not sure if I've helped but I wish you good luck in your future.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf +, writes (1 June 2015):
Choosing to have children should not be based on what everyone else is doing, or who is sick or not. Kids are not pets, and you cannot just take them back if you feel it's not working out the way you planned.
Is it possible for your child to develop the same issues? Sure...My daughter developed type 1 diabetes just before her second birthday. So what??? Not one day have I been heartbroken about it, or thinking "oh I wish she was normal and like everybody else." The point is...you love them no matter what. Loving someone who is less fortunate than yourself makes you a super human.
Fear of the unknown makes you weak. The willingness to deal with anything that comes your way, that takes all kinds of strength.
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