A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Growing up, I have had a lot of difficulties with my father. Before my mother filed for seperation and left him, he was verbally and emotionally abusive.. and the threat of physical violence was never far off. I lived in a lot of fear of men, especially my father. After she left him, he became depressed and clingy - to me, specifically. For years I let him continue to 'abuse' me, but I had not realized that while the strategy had changed, the name of the game had not... Anyway, just this past year I have come to terms with my history, which includes the troubling times with him, and the toll its taken on me. I have a great inner peace now and feel like a burden has been lifted; I feel like I have found forgiveness. I have been feeling like this for about half a year now, but I am the type of person who has inherited a bad habit of doubting herself or wondering about any unconscious motives I might have.. I have always been attracted to older men (even as a younger girl - my older brother's friends were far more interesting than any boy my age) and now, in my 18th year, with some confidence and maturity under my belt and my sights set on my first apartment and university.. I have found this trend to continue. Except now, because of my age, it is men in their 20s, even early thirties.. I graduated last year but returned to high school to keep my mind sharp while I put to rest a lot of the problems that have been following me around since early childhood. I feel like I have lived five lifetimes already, and I feel like an older sibling to my friends who are the same age.. I find myself more interesting in talking to my teachers casually than other students.. and it has felt so odd returning to a place where I spend 6 hours a day in the same building as 14 year olds. What I have been wondering is - my attraction to older men.. is it because I am trying to compensate for the poor role model I originally had (father)? But if I am at peace with my past and it has only continued - or is this just simply the way I am 'wired' now and doesn't necessarily point to anything that needs to be 'addressed' in me? I have only had one boyfriend (I am quite shy when things become intimate with men..) and at the time of our relationship I was 17 and he was 21. There are a three young male teachers in the school, only one of which currently teaches me, who I am attracted to sexually.. one in his early 20s, the other late twenties and the one who teaches me in his early thirties, with a young son. I would never dream of making a move on the one who is married with a son, and I am a little intimidated still when it comes to the opposite sex, but especially with men who are older and therefore more experienced. I am a shy and subtle flirting however and when they instigate something with me I always reciprocate.. I guess because I am so flustered and flattered that they might find me attractive. Don't get my wrong, I do have confidence and I do love myself - I am just habitually unsure about anything seriously romantic with a man.Pardon the ramble but it is late and I guess I am just looking for advice.. Thank you all in advance for taking the time to help! I really appreciate it.Blessings! :)
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confidence, depressed, emotionally abusive, flirt, move on, my teacher, older men, shy, university, violent Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both for your replies. I have found a few wonderful male role models in the past few years, though I do not see them much.. but one of which is a strong presence in my life; he is an old teacher of mine in his fifties who I trusted and went to with my problems. He has helped me to work through a lot of the guilt and shame, all those things which have been holding me back. There is no sexual attraction there, but I am very close to him and his son (who is 14 and a student that I tutor) and he nags me to keep in contact when I leave in the Fall - so I feel grateful that I will continue to have a fatherly influence from him in the future.
What I have been also been wondering, however, is if I am attracted to men who are older than me (I'd say up to 15 years older) I realize I am in danger of being used by someone more experienced who is just looking for a good time.. I sometimes worry about the fact that despite how mature I feel emotionally (along other lines), I lack experience. My first and only boyfriend and I never even kissed - he had about as much difficulty as I did in bringing down his barriers, and I sometimes wondered if maybe if it was something about me that made him hesitate. I know this isn't true, but it was a thought lingering in the back of my mind. I guess what I'm asking is - what should I look out for in men when I am in a new city, at University no less.. in both a positive and negative sense. What should I be weary of? What should I see as a good sign? At this point in my life, I am really yearning for someone to truly love. Someone to be truly vulnerable with, who will not exploit me. I have been and am being patient, because for a while I have not been ready and those who have approached me have been in the 18 year old mindset; only looking for a fling. I will not give myself away to someone who is only out to use me, but I also don't want to turn away a beautiful opportunity..
Next year I will be sharing an apartment with three other girls; and on the floor below us there will be 3/4 guys roughly my age (18-19) and on the floor below them, PhD students (male) in their late twenties.. This makes me a little nervous, but also excited.
I guess I am looking for advice on relationships, too. I want someone to really love.. who will wholly love me in return, but I do have my worries still and am not very familiar with the dating game..
Thank you guys again for your help; I really do appreciate it.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (3 April 2010):
There is nothing wring with fancying older men, and you'll find that most women your age do because older man can offer a certain stability that younger men can't. However, it could be that you are looking for a father figure, though I would have thought you would have looked at men who were even older than their 30's. I think your past has made you nervous about doing anything seriously romantic with men, so perhaps you choose older men because you think it's more likely to end than with someone your own age. Overall, I don't think there's anything wrong with you fancying older men. I think it's just a matter of getting to know men your own age as well as older men, being around them so you understand them and talking to them. When you know you can trust the majority of men, you'll open up more.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2010): I think you will find many young women of your age find slightly older guys attractive. Its perfectly natural. Just read the posts here and you will see you are not alone in finding older guys more attractive. Also remember you lost your childhood at an early age due to the abuse you suffered. Therefore you will feel older than some of your peers because you had to grow up before they did.
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