A
female
age
30-35,
*iss blurry
writes:My bf signed up to dating site and now i am questioning every thing he has done in the past. I have always been insecure but he has stuck with me and been together three years, now have a beautiful baby girl together. We have been through so much and he said he has never thought of cheating on me. Thing is he let me use his email address to send him some pics and i had a look at his deleted messages (i know snooping) but i found he had signed up, but not talked to any women or put a pic up. When I asked him about it he denied but then got the truth out of him very quickly, he said he had been on there to look at pics and did it because I kept accusing him of cheating when he doesn't do anything (almost out of spite he reckons).As he hasnt emailed anyone and didnt pay for anything just put his details in do you think i should let it go this time and realise my paranoia pushed him to register? He is generally a good bf and good father and I accuse him alot well before I found this, maybe this should open my eyes that the more I keep making him miserable with accusations he is more likely to do something? please help I love this man and want us to work for our daughter aswell, how can I move on and trust him again-and not snoop!xx thank you. It's really getting me down constantly thinking over every incident he has been late to meet me or COULD have cheated on me it is driving me insane and not fair on him cos I endlessly bring it up, and not fair on my daughter cos I get so upset x
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (14 June 2012):
 Ask your doctor about post partum depression too.
A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (14 June 2012):
 yes, counselling to clarify these issues face to face with an empathic counsellor is an excellent idea. Also see your Doctor about your potential depression. Once things are clarified in conjuction with your chosen counsellor I think you will feel much calmer are better
Best wishes
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A
female
reader, Miss blurry +, writes (13 June 2012):
Miss blurry is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am worried he is going to end it with me. my man, the one i love more than anything but because i am literally on the verge of a nervous breakdown he cant take anymor i dont think, guess i better give him space for a few days see what happens, i know i have done this i know i have something wrong with me or he would still be here. I feel depressed and i am taking it out on him. I dont know what to do all i talk about is negative stuff to him the only time i am positive is with my little girl i make sure i never cry in front of her i want her to see me as strong help!! I hope he wants to try because im going to get myself some councelling you think that is good idea?
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (13 June 2012):
 It all boils down to whether you want a man with these values. If you do, great. If you don't, you need to move on, but continue to let him see the child. No one can give you any advice if you've already made up your mind that you are the nag and everything he is doing is alright. What I don't understand is that if it is ok for him to look at the porn and you look at it with them, then why did you even bring it up? Why did you even discuss it on here? Here is the question you asked...How can I trust him again? I don't know how you can trust him again because just from what you've told me..I wouldn't trust him either. But, it is your life.
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A
female
reader, Miss blurry +, writes (13 June 2012):
Miss blurry is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell he may not be watching live porn he may just be watching recored porn in which case i dont care. I am not gonna break up with him cos of that when every other male i know does and i myelf have watched it with him. If he is interacting behind my back with women on there then maybe yes thats an issue but i dont know he is so cant asume he is going against what i asked. I am more concerned about him coming back with a bite mark on his leg which i think is a strange place to be since he said it was from a fight...... hm. I dont know I may ask him calmly like chigirl says what he thinks cheating is??
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (13 June 2012):
Yes, one needs to always let the past be the past. That goes for any relationship, regardless of the issue. Either a thing is dealt with and done with, or you need to let it go. You can't keep bringing up the same old same old.
As for the live web cam porn. That's a gray zone. If you are fine with it, then cool. If you're not fine with it then tell him so. But my concern is that since you've been on his back about his contact with women so many times already.. I'm thinking this is a very touchy subject by now. And that your relationship can't take yet another argument about it.
You already had a fight over the web cam porn he watches. Or, that he claims he doesn't watch. And I think your clue here is that he says he does not watch this. Then THAT is what you need to go by. Trusting him means you don't go argue against his word, you take his word for it, and then let it slide.
I will suggest that you, given the situation and the previous arguments about this, the porn thing and all other issues regarding him and other women: let it slide. Bite your tongue. Let it be. So what, even if he indeed watches live web cam porn. Let him. Do not cage in your partner. Let him do what he wants to do, and then he'll come to you freely and willingly. Right now there is too much strain on your relationship I feel, to risk having yet another debate about whether or not live web cam porn is ok or not.
So FOR NOW, let it be. Let him watch, let him have his fun (if he actually does watch it, he says he doesn't and I'm inclined to believe him). If you have managed to keep your cool, and not bring up any of this again in the next 6 months... Then have a talk about the live web cam porn. But I think that right now the subject is too touchy and sensitive, and your relationship needs time to heal before it is strong enough to take on yet another debate about this.
Nothing bad will happen if he watches live porn. If he already has, well, you're still alive. If he continue to watch it, or if he starts and indeed never did before.. you'll get through that as well. That isn't the end of anything. Bite your tongue, don't ask questions, let is slide and allow him this. Then, if you manage to stay calm for 6 months or so (you'll have to determine yourself when it will be safe or not to bring it up), then you can have a talk about it.
But NEVER accuse him of cheating. You can express your feelings, you can say you dislike it, or it makes you uncomfortable etc, but you can not accuse him of cheating.
You and him also need to discuss what constitutes as cheating. This should be a short conversation, not a long debate. Ask him, in a calm conversation, not in an attack, what he thinks cheating is. If you disagree, ask if you can compromise. You can't nag your way, or cry your way. If he can't or wont compromise then take that at face value and leave it be. Accept that his answer is the final answer. THEN think about this, and give it time to actually sink in.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (13 June 2012):
There is a lot of porn online that is free, so if he is signing up...he is either paying for the service or he is interacting or hoping to interact with someone online. If this is the case, he is cheating. People normally do not watch porn out of spite...they watch it to get off in some way. I do not buy his reasoning for that. If it was me, I would not want a little girl growing up with a father or any other male figure in the house who watched porn. Just my preference. Even though I think porn could have a small place in a couples relationship (a very small one), I also know it can become an obsession or it can take on unhealthy dimensions. Your instincts are telling you to question his behavior...do not ignore your instincts. I agree with ChiGirl that if you do not trust him...you should break up. Honestly, I would not want a male in the house watching porn if I had a little girl to bring up in this world.
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A
female
reader, Miss blurry +, writes (13 June 2012):
Miss blurry is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDo you know what i am feeling a little more positive today and am biting my tongue because i do want to be with him-- and i do trust him depending on whether i think that viewing a live web cam of a woman is cheating. which i guess it isnt as long as he is not talking to her. Do you think I should just let the past be the past and stop thinking about what porn he could be looking at or giving people lifts? I am going to try my hardest to chillout and take my mind off things xx
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (13 June 2012):
What happened to you working on yourself and not assuming the worst or over-analyzing? You need to start today. And whatever happened in the past leave it be! Do not dig up the snow that fell last year. If you didn't resolve things a year ago, now it is too late to dig into it, and you need to leave old things in the past. And then let them go, and not bring them back up.
Stop over analyzing his speech, his texts, his particular choice of words, his smaller habits and his online porn habits.
Your choices are as follow: if you can not trust him BREAK UP. If you want to stay with him you need to show TRUST.
You do not have the option of not trusting him while staying in a relationship with him. You want to have him, but you need to realize that you do NOT want him as he is, actually. If you did then you'd not be so worried about all of this, you'd fully accept it and be okay with it. You're not. Things are bothering you, and they'll continue to bother you as long as he stays who he is and you stay who you are. You want him to change, that's what you want, you want some solid proof of his loyalty to you, you're always on the hunt to "catch" him in cheating or being unfaithful.
Your choices are to either trust him and NEVER bring this issue back up again, or to LEAVE him, as you can not trust him.
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A
female
reader, Miss blurry +, writes (13 June 2012):
Miss blurry is verified as being by the original poster of the questionmay i ask you aswell i found that he looks at porn ( which i dont mind iknow all blokes do) but LIVE WEB CAMS? REALLY? i Dont like this at all why not just go on normal porn cos watching one girl on her own i think about him doing it makes me sick. He said these things pop up and then show up on his browser history even though he doesnt click on them- can something really show up on the browser list if u havent clicked on it tho? excuses?
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A
female
reader, Miss blurry +, writes (13 June 2012):
Miss blurry is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwhen i asked bout the bitemark i pretended i had text his friend and asked if it was tru... he went mad at me calling me all sorts of names and saying they did have an ARGUMENT but i said i thought it ws a fight and he started saying yeah he bit me and everything now he has turnded his fone off all angry but people only get that defensive and nasty if they are lying or guilty don they cos he was stumbling over his words. I am living a constant mess because of all this and i honestly feel he is lying to me. BUT i dont wanna end it i DO love him and want us to be a family
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (12 June 2012):
It was over a year ago, right? If so, and no other bite marks have appeared.. then no. I don't think you have a case. But you're actively looking for evidence to "nail" him on this. I mean if you are so sure he is cheating on you then break off the relationship! If you can't trust him, for whatever reason you have that you feel is good enough, then end the relationship. You can't keep accusing him, yet wanting to stay with him. You need to make up your mind about this. Either you choose to trust him (and no more accusations or mistrust) or you don't trust him (and end the relationship).
A bite-mark on his thigh over a year ago on a night out.. I dunno, it does sound like it could be a fight with his friend, it's not exactly a place you put a love-bite. I mean what sort of position would then have been in for THAT to come natural?
Anyway, with your well known tendency to exaggerate things, and imagine proof where there is nothing... I think you need to take your own thoughts with a pinch of salt. You got to question your own thought process here, because your mind are playing you tricks. You can't trust yourself in all of this!
I don't know what that park you talk about is all about, if it is a park or a night-club? But if he just went to a park one time.. and didn't tell you.. Well that's not really anything at all for you to think "cheating". My first assumption would be that he should improve on informing me where he went, as I'd be worried if I tried to reach him and the phone was off all day. So I'd just be a bit upset about that, that I didn't know where he was and he should have told me. But it is a loooong shot from thinking "ah, this must have meant he cheated on me!".
Just because you don't know where he is all the time doesn't mean he's using every free moment he has to cheat.
As for that message you said he posted somewhere.. I don't know what you mean by that. I don't know what vivastreet is. So I can't comment on that.
But seriously, if you feel you have so much evidence against him.. then break up. My concern is that if all this "proof" you have are based on long shot assumptions then you'll fear the same thing in your next relationship as well.
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A
female
reader, Miss blurry +, writes (12 June 2012):
Miss blurry is verified as being by the original poster of the questionand this is evidence surely? a bite mark on the inside of his leg and him saying he had a fight with his mate and it happened surely NOT ??? xx
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A
female
reader, Miss blurry +, writes (12 June 2012):
Miss blurry is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe went to thorpe park when I was pregnant but I didnt find out until the morning after when I went round his house and found out cos he turned his phone off all day. The reason i have been thinking aswell is because when I was three months pregnant i found he had been putting his number on vivastreet and asking if people would pay for sex and that......?? I found the messages he did, not suspicious no? and he had a bite mark on the inside of his leg which he said happened when him and his boy mate had had a fight when they went to thorpe park,apparently they had had a drink and the guy had bit the inside of his leg when my bf had him in a headlock...doesnt it all just add up looking really strange?
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (12 June 2012):
Oh why do people write this or say that, but even better: why are you trying to pick this to pieces by analyzing every single word and sentence? I doubt he really put that much effort and thought into writing that text, so I doubt there really is much "hidden" meaning or signals in it. Really. He wanted to go pick her up, but couldn't because he was still with you, and he knew he couldn't just tell you "sorry, gotta go pick up X now", because you'd announce him as a cheater right there and then, wouldn't you?
All that text tells me is that he wanted to go pick her up. When he picks her up he gets money. Your boyfriend likes money. Not her. Money. You don't like this income of it, not because you are morally against him earning money this way, but because... it's a woman he is driving. Who is a former drug addict. Which apparently means she prefers to pay "au naturel" and not with money, in your world. But that doesn't change the fact that your boyfriend wants the money... not the blowjob...
It sounds like his meeting with you that day was already over as he was driving you home (had to give her a lift, as you wrote). Because he had to drive you home, which he hadn't planned on, he couldn't drive her home.
No, I really don't see this as weird, not given the circumstances where you, his girlfriend, are notoriously accusing him of cheating. I think your boyfriend is veeery careful with mentioning ANY contact he has with other females. Not because he has anything to hide, but because you give him a lecture and a fight about it each and every time.
Your solution is to cool it down and take things with calmness and not hostility. If you make it possible for him to come to you then he will. It'll take it's time though, because what you've taught him so far is that if he says anything you'll near bite his head off! For no reason whatsoever apparently. He sent the woman what appears to me to be an innocent text, but to you it is "evidence" of a secret romance.
You don't need to trust her, the former drug addict. You need to trust your boyfriend!
No, there is NOOOOO reason to mistrust him! You can not know for certain what a person does or does not, but you need to trust him. And that trust comes from within YOU, and not from him constantly having to prove himself. And none of what you have written gives me any feeling that he is cheating. His text is innocent, him meeting this woman to drive her is innocent. Him not telling you is a cause and effect situation: he knows that if he tells you you'll go overboard and never let it go. If you want the full picture of what is happening in his life, and to what extent he is in contact with certain people, you need to make it possible for him to be open with you about this sort of information.
If you've asked something once.. don't ask again. Only ask once. Teach yourself to settle with the first answer you get. Your uncertainty comes from inside of yourself, and only YOU can make yourself feel better about it. You can't try to get confirmation from him all the time, and you can't place your fears on him all the time either. You need to deal with this on your own, without dragging him down. So ask just one time. Never twice. That is a good rule. Take the answer you get, and then leave it be.
Raise concerns about cheating when you actually have some good reason to believe there is something going on. Such as if you find a used condom in his car. Or lipstick on his shirt. Or a hickey on his neck. You know, solid evidence that raise solid suspicion based on something real. You can not get suspicious based on nothing but thin air and a constant concern of yours that doesn't take place in reality and has no solid foundation. I hope you see the difference here.
Example one: he is meeting a woman. You accuse him of cheating because you worry the woman might suggest sex, and you think your man is weak enough to jump at sex with any who offers it. Apparently. This is an accusation based on thin air.
Example two: he comes home with a hickey and excuses himself on "the dog did it" or "we had a dare" or any other lame excuse. This is still not the time to accuse cheating, but this is the time to start being aware of cheating possibly going on. When presented with solid facts, then start keeping your eyes open. If more solid facts are collected, then accuse of cheating. Or better yet: break up.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (12 June 2012):
although professional drivers do get their share of drunk clients and even silly clients who offer sex instead of paying the fare it is also true that 99% of the drivers recognise that the offers from these silly clients are not worth the aggro involved.
And most good professional drivers do accumulate some regular clients (from 19 to 90 years), who call them direct. It is how the better ones make a more regular income than the drivers who
have no loyal customer base.
And finally, yes, most professional drivers cannot have long personal conversations on their mobile while driving.
It is rude to their paying customer to have long extended conversations on their phones to a partner or relative.
It is also a distraction they do not need as they need to be a safe driver for their client, and so they can come home safe and intact for their loved ones.
Really try hard to get involved in some activities (volunteer locally to help a charity or a good cause?)
Or develop an inexpensive hobby that keeps you busy?
Just stop saddling your guy with a ton of suspicion. Have faith in him? Imagine how draining it would be if he constantly doubted you and felt unable to trust you?
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A
female
reader, Miss blurry +, writes (12 June 2012):
Miss blurry is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd what you dont think its weird chigirl that he text her saying 'sorry i had to give her a lift,tried getting out of it'....meaning me his babys mum. And she told me he had already explained he was meeting me that day so why would he need also to text her that??
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A
female
reader, Miss blurry +, writes (12 June 2012):
Miss blurry is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for your anwsers , the only reason I didnt trust her is because she is a drug addict and dont we all know that a drug addict will do anything to keep their money even if it means sexual favours instead? thats what i meant but u honestly thing i should just leave him be for a bit and chill out sounds like a good idea xxxxx he hates me for keep bringing it up and is now just getting to the point where he isnt even reading my messages? you really dont think he has anything to hide with this drug addict?
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (12 June 2012):
"It upset me he text her this as he had obviously wanted to go and meet her"
Uhm, he didn't want to meet HER, he wanted to give her a ride so he could earn his tax-free money on playing cab driver.
Look, it'd be more of a concern if he gave this woman rides and then stayed at hers afterwards. But he's playing cab, getting money for the job, and wouldn't do it if he didn't get paid. I seriously can not see the issue there. The problem is that he didn't tell you, but it is obvious why he didn't tell you: you're freaking out over nothing!! The problem isn't the things he does, the problem is the way you choose to react to everything, by going over the top, assuming the worst, and not listening to him before you jump to conclusions.
Sit back, relax, take a few deep breaths. He just gave the woman a ride, and he got paid to do so. That does NOT give anyone a reason to think she was blowing him off as he drove her. I don't see why you automatically assume there had to be more going on, but it is exactly that response which prevents him from telling you about what he does and what he is up to.
If you want him to be honest with you, and upfront with you, and informing you about what he's up to, you NEED to chill out and take the information he gives you with a certain amount of normal response. You can't freak out at each and every little thing. You got to listen, then think, then wait with reacting, then analyze whether or not your initiative reaction is based on FEAR or based on real life things that cross the line.
Is it really crossing the line that he drives a woman home for money? Just see how you automatically assumes he wanted to meet "her", as opposed to what I am automatically thinking: they had an arrangement for him to drive her home and he wanted to stick to his plans and not leave her hanging.
"He said to them 'erm excuse me my gf is sitting right next to me'. So does this imply he would have accepted this offer had I not been there?"
No, it doesn't imply that. It really doesn't. You're reading way too much into things!
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A
female
reader, Miss blurry +, writes (12 June 2012):
Miss blurry is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso he was giving this woman a lift all the time to get extra money when he was smoking cannabis. Now once in the past we have given a couple of girls a lift once and at the end of it they were so drunk they said to my bf 'we will give u a blow job instead of the money?' obviously not knowing i ws his gf. He just said 'excuse me, my gf is sitting right next to me!' but do you reckon that means if i hadnt have been there he would of accepted the offer? Thinking of that I am scared that when he has given this woman lifts recently (who is a drug addict) she would maybe offer him sexual favours instead, as he would never anwser his phone when he was with her? I dont know if in my heart he would honestly do this and I love him so much. When I spoke to the woman he was driving round she told me he would never give her a lift for nothing it was always for money- but I cant believe I am going as far as thinking he would accept sexual offers??? It is just cos he would lie bout when he was driving her, BUT he made the point of saying the reason he didnt wanna talk to me while he was driving her is because I would have just gone off my head anyway! which is prob true.But wouldnt honesty have been better still, and the thought that he might of done stuff with her makes me sick. He looked in my eyes and said it wsnt true when i asked him isit just me being stupid again? please more thoughts xx
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 June 2012):
 Ok so he said he never thought of cheating on you but he signed up for a dating site to “look at the pictures” and he did it because YOU drove him to it…
I’m sorry I’m NOT as forgiving as the other ladies… he’s NOT taking ownership of his behavior. He’s blaming YOU for his bad behavior. Just because YOU accuse him of something does not mean he has the right to do it. IF you accused him of murder and he killed someone is that your fault?
He lied about it (by not telling you in the first place and then by denying it when he got caught)
Your paranoia is not good and has to be fixed but it’s not the reason he signed up for a dating site. It will however be the reason he ends up leaving if you don’t get it under control.
I suggest you get some therapy for yourself to work on your self-esteem issues and figure out why you are so insecure about this man….
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A
female
reader, Miss blurry +, writes (12 June 2012):
Miss blurry is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe would give this certain woman lifts every where and get money off her for it aswell,that is another thing that made me paranoid as he would be late to meet me or not anwser the phone. Dou you think maybe this is because if he had anwsered the phone and I found he was giving her more lifts I would have been annoyed so he didnt tell me at all cos of my paranoia? I have spoken to this woman and she simply said to me he would never give her lifts for nothing and the reason he would never anwser the phone is because he knew id be annoyed. I found a text to her saying once 'i couldnt get out of giving her a lift but i tried' (talking about me). It upset me he text her this as he had obviously wanted to go and meet her. I am even going as far as thinking she would offer him sexual favours for lifts as she is a drug addict, but do i trust that all he ever got out of it was money? It is because in the past we were giving a couple of thse girls a lift one night and at the end they said 'can we just give you a blow job instead?'to my man! not knowing i was his gf obv. He said to them 'erm excuse me my gf is sitting right next to me'. So does this imply he would have accepted this offer had I not been there? more thoughts please i love this man and im terrified xx
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (12 June 2012):
"As he hasnt emailed anyone and didnt pay for anything just put his details in do you think i should let it go this time and realise my paranoia pushed him to register? "
Yes. I also think you should consider working on yourself and figure out how to balance your fears and insecurities so that they don't get the best of you all the time. It can be very tiresome and draining for your boyfriend to always have to be sensitive of your feelings, or always ending up in an argument over your fears, or whenever you misread something, or if your imagination has just taken over and you accuse him of things he hasn't done. It is causing damage to your relationship, and hurting his feelings, if you constantly accuse him of cheating when he hasn't. Your ruining your relationship if you keep this up.
Just because he is still here after 3 years does NOT mean he will stay with you any longer, maybe he leaves next week, if you don't manage to control your emotions and fears. A person can only take so much, and after 3 years of this I am worrying he is coming to the last bits of his patience with this. Which could very well explain why he is now signing up on a dating site. He shouldn't have. But neither should you have doubted him, and shown him distrust, through all these years. If he has been getting punished (by fights, arguments, or you right out punishing him) for something he hasn't done.. well I think everyone would either GIVE UP on the relationship, or actually go ahead and do just this thing that they have already received punishment for.
You're on the edge here in your relationship, and I fear that if you push just one more time at this you'll lose it all and drive him over the edge. Remember that two of the corner stones of a relationship is Trust and Respect. You currently show him neither trust nor respect, and it is high time you drastically change your ways. And let us hope it isn't too late already.
Have a talk with him. Tell him you're sorry for it all. Tell him you're starting to take active steps to change and to trust him. Get therapy if you can, or work on controlling yourself. An apology is worth nothing unless you follow up through action as well. You need to stop accusing him of cheating. Leave it be. If you feel like saying those words bite your tongue. You don't have to say it just because you feel it, you can keep it in you and then think before you speak, and think of his feelings too, and the consequences of you accusing him of cheating. Don't just think about your own emotions and get swallowed up in them.
Start the changes today.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (12 June 2012):
You may have some valid signs from past relationships and some past history of others you have know who have suffered a cheating partner and all this is coloring your view of your current relationship.
Plus this guy is so important to you that I think you are very anxious about losing this partner.
In a word he means a lot to you. Tell him by your actions how much he means to you, not just by your words.
I think he is not interested in cheating. Sadly he really did get sick of you saying he was doing something he was not doing.
So he felt he was being judged guilty of doing it already. So he decided to up the ante and join up anyway. Almost like a red-flag to you to please stop accusing him.
With the unsaid threat that he would take it to the next level if you could not stop accusing him.
He definitely does not want to cheat. I think he is just trying to make a point.
If you can give him a little more trust to enjoy his life then he will enjoy coming back to you (after having not cheated at all)
But if all he can look forward to is mistrust and not being believed then he might start to wonder if the grass might be greener.
Maybe even consider some couples counselling or ways to connect and build more intimacy and great moments between the two of you doing things together. And establish where you are in sync with each other.
You no doubt have far more in common with each other than you realise. Celebrate these good links between the two of you. Make if enjoyable when you spend time together. That way he will always love coming back to you.
Some men are serial cheaters. But your guy does not sound like that at all. I really do not think he wants to cheat. he just feels pushed at the moment
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