A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi there.My boyfriend is 35 and I am 26. My mother doesn't think he's good enough for me, for very old fashioned reasons. Now I'm beginning to think she's right. Or am I being shallow?My boyfriend worked but kept dead end jobs until he was 30, because he wanted to be in a band as a guitarist. The band broke up and he didn't "make it", so he retrained to do a pretty good job in construction. He was made redundant and decided to go back to college to train in IT. He was unemployed a year, and we got into financial problems as i was unemployed too. Now, I am a student nurse and he is a college student. everybody on his course is 18. My course involves a lot of work placement and some 12 hour shifts. I also get £2k a year more than him, making me the main wage earner! He has never owned a car except for one his mum gave him, and has 2 years until he graduates. That's right, he'll be 37. We have very little money and he spends ages on the computer as he only has to go into college part time. And i kind of would have more respect for him if he worked full time like other guys. sometimes i look at other men who work full time and have a home and wonder if she is right. but i feel guilty because i want material things.My mum thinks he is immature and he should be providing for me and he should be able to afford to treat me and take me out. She says "if he wasnt messing around with a second adolescence, you could use your cash for a car" She says "what if you have children? he cant support you!" "This means you won't marry until youre at least 31! he can't even afford a ring!"I look at my other friends partners. some have their own houses and good jobs and cars. my friends get nice presents and go on holidays. i never go out anywhere. My mum says I'm pretty and can do better and she worries about my situation. he is a good guy, but I must admit, i do feel jealous when i see other girls being taken out and bought presents. We couldnt even afford xmas presents, and he bought me nothing for my birthday as we agreed we couldnt spare the cash. my mother had to give him the train fare for us going to see her and i could tell she was angry that he accepted the cash. now she keeps offering me money each time i see her, thinking we are broke. i dont want to take any money - i'm 26! My mum says that i need to find somebody with a good job who can provide. I think this is shallow, but I do sometimes feel guilty for wishing we had a car or money for other stuff. i feel uncomfortable too because my mum worries. i feel embarrassed when i have to say he's 35 and doesnt have a job or a car. What do people think? Is it wrong to think a guy should provide?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2010): You're pretty old to be a student as well. If he is trying to retrain then good for him. If you don't like him as much now because he doesn't have enough money to buy you treats then move on. He's not responsible for you.
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (17 February 2010):
 mmmmmm.. the world has changed. Men no longer have to be the bread winner, sometimes women are more career minded and earn more than they do. Also a job for life is a thing of the past. Many adults find themselves made redundant and then have to retrain and get a new career. Your partner is not too old, and is not a failure, he's retraining in a new career because that's what the economy demands.
But he's not the right guy for you. As you said, a more financially secure guy who can help you is what you need, your embarrassed by his poverty and can't see his potential. He's retraining in IT, so of course he's on the computer all the time. He may not be going college full time, but if he's on the computer, he is probably still studying and doing his homework, and not playing and wasting time like you assume.
Leave this guy for a guy who has been lucky enough to end up in a job which is more secure. But redundancy, ill health and poverty can hit anyone at any time. You may find you go out with a guy who has the car and the money, only to find that he also ends up with out a job and you'll find yourself in poverty again.
You may not have noticed the recession, seeing as you are comfortably protected from the job situation because you are a student. Plan carefully for your own future, most employers, including the government are cutting back on hiring people and dropping wages. You may find that when you finish your course it's difficult for you to find a job placement. As a student your not in the real world, and don't have a clue how hard it is to find employment if your company has let you go.
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A
male
reader, gaurav1jha  +, writes (17 February 2010):
 One thing that i would like to tell you... I admire you as a really very nicely brought up girl... well I've my own reasons for it...nevermind
Anyways Lets get to the point.
Discuss your future plan with your BF... Well, Attachment is important but a financial(economical) security is important.
But The thing which i would like to convey about feeling sad about getting present is - "It doesn't mater How expensive it is, But thing which you should assume is how much dedication did he put in his present to show his love towards you"
Inspire him, talk about this whole matter with him. Tell Him, about your dream and the expectation you have, listen to what he has to say... what he thinks.
Of course, it would hurt him, but it would give both of you a clear understanding of both of you.
In due course of conversation make him feel secured.
Instead of you deciding it... Let the decision to be over him, if he cares about you and loves you and you believe in his feelings then just know that - "He would Take the best decision"
but I don't know about the surrounding out there, but yeah, it wasn't a wise idea to accept the monetary help, as its a matter of self respect in somecases... but its a trivial matter and DON"T TAKE THIS POINT SERIOUSLY.
Make a perfect balance between your emotional and practical life, so instead of saying the amount that you earn more then him, please let us know - how much % do you exactly earn more than him?
and how much % increment do you want in the salary of both, and discuss it together, taking the salary of both of you as total in future especially, if you both are going to marry.
INSPIRING THOUGHT: "Making money, can be easiest thing and in somecases it can be toughest too - Only thing that you would have to do is to put the right effort at the right place"
Conclusion - Speak Your mind to him, and listen to him.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (17 February 2010):
 Traditionally men are the providers but in this age, women are working alongside men and some of them may even take home a bigger pay cheque than the men.
If you are earning a lot and can afford to upkeep a man (househusband )then it is not a problem.
But if your salary is just enough , it can be a struggle to maintain a certain standard of living.
Marriage is about sharing the responsibilities equally or according to one's abilities.
In this present age, it is not wrong to think that men should still provide unless you are a super achiever yourself.
This is not shallow thinking . This is realism !Be realistic and pragmatic. You need money to survive and to do many things.
It would be wise and prudent to find a man who can provide or at least share the financial burdens of matrimony.
If she is working she can help lighten his financial burdens.
The choice is yours?
Do you want someone to share your financial burdens or do you want a free loader ?
Is there a future with him?
You need to ponder this question..
At 37 , assuming he graduates from college, he maybe considered old and most companies would rather prefer to hire a younger person with the same degree.
Getting a degree does not guarantee a job or success in life.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (17 February 2010):
In this day and age, it's not a man's job to provide for a woman. But I do see where your mother is coming from in a different way. She thinks he should be providing for you. I think that though it's not his job to provide for you, it is his job to ensure that both of you as a couple are working hard and sharing responsibility for each other. As it is, your mother does have some points. What if you want children? What if you want marriage? What if you want a house and a car and such? Love is not always enough, and it does seem like this guy has little to offer in most areas. There is nothing wrong with having a dream, but a dream must not be at the expense of reality. As it is, until he sorts himself out he will not be a good bet as a boyfriend, future husband or father.
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